“I don’t need a fucking lecture, Brennan! I’m trying to live my life the best way I can. People look up to me, okay? They see me as this role model.”
“And you can’t be a role model if you’re gay?”
Cliff’s eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere but at him. “What would people say if they found out that I like to get tied up and spanked and have dicks shoved in my face?”
“Only one way to find out.” Brennan realized he and Cliff were going in circles. Anytime he thought they got closer to living life as a couple, they came right back to staying hidden.
“You don’t think I wonder about life outside the closet? When I’m not on the court, I can’tstopthinking about it.” Cliff’s eyes watered up, and hefoughtto hold back tears. “How could I earn the respect of my teammates? The world may be progressive, but locker rooms aren’t. The NBA may have a rainbow logo for Pride, but they don’t have gay players. The day I come out is the day I stop being a basketball player and become a political topic. Will parents not want to bring their kids to games or stop them from wanting to wear my jersey? And yeah, I know my family won’t kick me out of their lives, but if they know the truth, they’re going to look at me differently. My dad will say he still loves me, and sure, deep down he will, but it won’t be the same. And that’s worse.”
Cliff looked as if he were going to collapse. He sat on Brennan’s bed, spent.
“Do you know what your clean-cut brother was doing over Thanksgiving? He was fucking prostitutes. Three of them!”
“What?” Cliff looked at him as if he claimed the earth was flat.
“You heard me. What we do is the healthiest thing you have in your life. It’s the only time when you’re not caring what others think.” A Cliff Highlight Reel flashed in his head of Cliff yelling out his dirtiest wants, of passion and lust unabashedly taking over his body. “Baby, you are carrying the weight of the fucking world on your shoulders, and you don’t have to. It’s not your job to make sure everyone is okay with you being gay.”
Cliff got up and gripped the back of a kitchen chair until his arms shook. Brennan could tell he was fighting back tears with every ounce of strength he could muster. “All I want to do is play basketball.”
Brennan took a step closer, but still maintained his distance. “But that’s not all you want.”
He wrapped him in a hug. Cliff tried to fight free, but he wasn’t letting him go, not yet. Brennan rocked them for a beat as Cliff’s back expanded with breath against his arms. At least they could enjoy their last moments together.
He knew once he let go, Cliff would leave. The buzzer on this game would go off, and no Hail Mary pass could save it.
29
CLIFF
Over the next week and a half, Cliff led the Whitetails to victory in two games and lost the third by only four points. Random students and faculty high-fived him and cheered “Go Whitetails!” whenever he walked around campus. His DMs and phone blew up with coeds wanting to date him, and some who outright offered blow jobs. He even got an A-minus on his final art project.
Cliff’s star was on the rise. Too bad he felt like shit.
He was like a sitcom: cheery and bright on the outside, but completely hollow.
Also, could these girls please leave him alone? Please? He deactivated his social media accounts and kept his phone on silent. He was both at the center of a storm and shut off from the world. The loneliness seeped into his bones. He was dying to talk to someone while also dying to keep every feeling in his head under lock and key. Cliff and Dell hadn’t talked since he made his gender-neutral comment weeks ago. When the article came out where Cliff proclaimed his love of women, he expected comments from Dell about him embracing his ladies man side.
He got nada, and he missed Dell’s incessant nervous questions before games.
The only place he felt like himself was on the court. There, as always, he could pour all of his focus into the game. Nothing else mattered.
On Friday afternoon, he met up at Alex’s dorm room for another Zoom call with their parents. He made sure to get there on time, not before. He didn’t have the energy to fake a conversation with Alex before faking a chat with his parents. And he worried that he’d be tempted to ask about Brennan.
Their dad took up a chunk of the call talking shop with Cliff. He went over the games and assessed the competition that was coming up. He asked Cliff about what it was like to win, and he regaled them with tales from his days as a college basketball player. Usually this type of chitchat lit Cliff up, but he dragged himself through this time. It all felt meaningless.
“Cherish this time,” their dad said to both of them. “Because it goes by so fast.”
“We will,” Alex said. Under the table, his hand did awrap it upspinning gesture.
“Cliff, if you keep up this great work, I could see you getting more attention and maybe getting drafted in the future,” his dad said.
The family cheered. Alex clapped Cliff on the back. That was the goal, but goals seemed as interesting as meatloaf currently. Did Brennan really have this kind of effect on him? Maybe it was best for his career that he be celibate.
His mom changed the subject from basketball, giving Cliff a reprieve. “When does Rosie fly back?”
Cliff’s eyes darted to Alex, whose smile didn’t slip. Cliff realized he never reached out to his brother to see how he was doing. It wasn’t the type of thing they talked about usually. Cliff didn’t pry into his brother’s life because he didn’t want Alex to reciprocate. Another wall.
“The eighteenth. She’s excited to come home. She loves Europe, but America has lots of creature comforts that she misses.” Alex kept a measured tone, and all Cliff could think about was three prostitutes. Apparently, straight guys put up facades just as well as the gays.
