“Who is she?”
Just as Cliff thought his personal walls were coming down, they reinforced themselves. Dell seemed cool - he was from LA. He probably knew lots of gay people. But what if he didn’t? What if he freaked out and told people?
Dell seemed to sense a shift in Cliff.
“Keeping it a secret. I get it. You don’t want to jinx anything.” Dell held up his hands. “That’s cool.”
Cliff nodded tersely. There was nothing to get excited about. He doubted Brennan was into him, no matter what he might or might not have detected today.
“I have an idea.” Dell motioned for Cliff to follow him to the stairwell.
A few minutes and flights of stairs later, they were on the roof of the dorm. They had a 360 view of campus - the river, the quad, the mountains, the students milling about on the sidewalks. There must’ve been a million stories here. Unlike back home, Cliff could blend in. He didn’t have to worry about bumping into friends and family who knew his life story. He didn’t have to contend with strangers coming up to him while he ate to talk about the latest game and grade his performance. He appreciated how important basketball was back home and how invested people were. He played as much for them as he did for himself. All those expectations floated away at Browerton. He wondered if this would be the place where he could be his true self, where he could live life as an openly gay man.
Just thinking of himself and the words “openly gay man” together sent a shiver down his spine.
“Some view, right?” Dell strolled along the roof. “Usually, the door to the roof is supposed to stay locked, for obvious reasons.”
“Did you crack the lock?”
“One of the guys on the team told me it happened to be unlocked.” Dell stayed in the middle of the roof, not getting close to the edge. Cliff could tell he was a little nervous of the height, but the beauty of their surroundings was worth it.
The nighttime air was cool on Cliff’s face. “Why’d you bring me here?”
“To let it out.”
“Let what out?”
“You’re totally crushing on someone. When I’m happy and excited, I just have to WOOOOOO!” He yelled, threatening to alert the whole campus that they were trespassing on the roof.
“Try it.”
Cliff let out a half-heartedwoooothat was the equivalent of drinking flat soda.
“Really, Cliff?”
Cliff wasn’t a yeller. “I’m better at keeping things in.”
“How’s that going for you?”
The comment hit Cliff in the gut. He wanted to come out of his shell. He didn’t know what that would feel like, though. Freedom, abandon, living in the moment? These were all things he felt with Brennan. In their sarcastic exchanges. In the one-sided, quasi flirting Cliff did with him, even if it went unreciprocated. He was trying, taking baby steps toward the person he wanted to be.
The noise gushed from Cliff, a stream of pure joy and adrenaline that spilled across campus. “WOOOOOO!!”
10
BRENNAN
It took a while, but October finally decided to start acting like it. Overnight, the heat dropped, the leaves shed their green colors, and a crisp fall breeze swept through campus. It made Brennan’s afternoon runs along the river more palatable.
Flecks of sun shimmered on the river as it began its slow descent behind the mountains. Brennan stopped for a break and realized he was already at North Campus. Rachel and his art cohorts had informed him that South Campus was where the artsy half of the school gathered - home to Gorman Hall and the other liberal arts buildings. And North Campus was the home of frats and jocks.
And Cliff.
He kept thinking about Cliff and how he left things three days ago. He told himself he wasn’t going to go after him. He told himself he was going to keep his physical distance.
Yeah, that worked out well.
Brennan couldn’t stop thinking about Cliff’s sweaty body under his. The way he smelled. That desperate groan.
