“This is all so sudden.”
“Is it, though?” She’d raised him. There had to have been signs like Noah saw.
“I mean, when you were younger maybe, but you seemed to grow out of it. And you were dating girls. Maybe you can still date women and just do your business on the side.” She tried to smile, and it was the equivalent to an out of tune violin.
“Doing my business? Like urinating?” He sat on the far side of the couch. “I’m not going to do that, Mom. And not just for me—I don’t want to subject a girl to that life.” He thought of Hannah and Beth and all the other women who were unknowingly, or knowingly, marrying gay men because it was the responsible thing to do.
“I know,” she said quietly.
“I know this is hard for you, and it’s unexpected, but I’m happy.”
“It wasn’t completely unexpected.” She dabbed at tears in her eyes. Gideon swiped her a napkin. “The way you’d been acting this fall. It was an idea that crossed my mind, but then you were dating Hannah.”
“I was doing that because I wanted to make you happy. No.” Gideon wasn’t going to do that. He had himself to blame for his actions, for his lies. They came from his mouth. “Because I wanted to do what I thought was right. I was too scared to be me.”
He hated seeing her cry, and knowing he was the cause. He imagined Mac beside him, holding his hand. We will get through this.
“You know, all I wanted was for my two sons to marry two nice Jewish women and carry on the name and traditions of our family.”
“That can still happen,” Gideon said. “I want to have a family someday.”
Her eyes clouded over. She picked up her coffee, but put it back down. “When I said this wasn’t completely unexpected…”
“What?”
“When you were little, your father and I had a conversation. He’d found you under your bed reading the Fruit of the Loom catalogue, specifically the men’s underwear section.”
Gideon’s cheeks burned with embarrassment.Why does everyone remember these memories except for me?
“He had a feeling you were gay,” she said. “I thought…I don’t know. I thought you were just bored with your own books, but he seemed pretty sure.”
Gideon had always wondered what his dad thought of him. Of course, his dad loved him, but he’d never get to see the person Gideon became, personality and all. But if he could, he probably would’ve hated all this lying and deception.I wasn’t making you proud.
“What did he say?” Gideon asked her.
“He said ‘Well, if my son is gay, then my son is gay. It won’t make me love him any less.’”
Gideon wiped his tears on his sleeve. His mom used her napkin.
“I’m so sorry, Gideon, for making you feel like you had to lie all this time. That couldn’t have been easy. Although I must say, you’re a very good liar. It’s a little scary.”
No more. Those days were over. “It’s going to be okay. I know this isn’t how you wanted things to go, but that’s life. And it could be worse.”
She grabbed his hands. Her fingers were boney, but forceful. “I love you. You will always make me proud.”
She kissed him on the cheek. They hugged, and it was the first hug where there were no walls between them.
“You know, Frieda Feldberg’s son is gay, and he’s in medical school.”
Gideon closed his eyes, ready to crush her spirits again. “Actually, I have a boyfriend, and he’s not Jewish. But we’re still a million miles away from kids or marriage or even dating, and he doesn’t seem like a practicing Christian, so I think we would probably raise the children Jewish, assuming we adopted.”
“I look forward to meeting him,” she said, with some levity in her voice like she finally found the sense of humor in all of this.
“I love you, Mom. I just want to be a good son to you.”
Her eyes bore deep within him with all their motherly power. “You are a great son.”
Gideon was still dealing with aftershocks from the conversation, but he never felt so hopeful. Gone were the walls. He was free.
