“I’m sure that would be the case if he wasn’t there.”
“Does Kay know?”
“No. I told her I know him, but she hasn’t asked any more questions.”
Bastian adds hay to the pens. “Do you think he’s hiding something?”
“I think so, but I don’t know how to ask without him shutting me down. He said we can’t see each other, not even as friends.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah.”
I pick up the hay he threw at me and join him.
“What really happened back then?” he asks.
“You know how Tony turned up at my parents’ place and offered me the deal to join the band.”
“Yeah, that part I know.”
“That weekend, Ty was more tired than usual. His dad wasn’t doing well. We played at a bar on Saturday night, and I was supposed to have dinner with him after his work shift on Sunday. The meeting with Tony took longer than expected…well, because I wasn’t expecting him. By the time he left, I had to drive back to LA. I used my cell to call him as soon as I could.”
The detached tone of his voice in that phone call still gets to me today. I take a deep breath and continue.
“When I managed to speak to him, I told him about the band. He didn’t seem very excited about it, even when I said I’d try to get him in the band.”
“Do you think he was jealous?”
“I don’t know. That’s not his style, but I can imagine he was hurt. This was our dream. The one thing we were doing together, except suddenly and without warning…we weren’t.”
“I know you feel guilty about it, Mik, but you couldn’t have passed up the opportunity. He wouldn’t have wanted that for you either.”
The cow comes over, eating hay from my hand. I run the other hand over her head.
“I get he was angry and had all right to be. He even has the right to still be angry. But…when he kissed me…fuck, Bastian. It wasn’t a kiss from someone who still feels hate.”
The feel of his grip on my coat fills my mind again. The way he sought my skin that second time.
“It was as if he wanted it but was stopping himself because he didn’t think he could.”
Bastian hops on the metal pen and sits next to where I’m standing.
“Forgive me if what I’m about to say is out of line, but what were your parents doing back then? You said before that you were surprised your dad suddenly supported you instead of pushing you to graduate. How about your mom?”
I shake my head. “After I left, I didn’t have much contact with them. They came to a few gigs, but I could tell my dad only did it to make my mom happy. My relationship with my mom improved after my dad died and Kay came along.”
“Why don’t you speak to her?” He jumps down and pats my back. “I’ll cover for you if you want to go for a walk around the farm to clear your head. Just make sure to be back before dinner, or you’ll be answering to my mom.”
“Thanks, B. I think a walk will do me good.”
As Bastian goes back toward the house, I follow the opposite path toward their maple forest. It’s not as big as some of the farms around here, and they don’t make syrup, but I’ve always enjoyed walking around the tall trees.
Even the freezing cold weather doesn’t ruin the calm the trees bring. I’ve had so many ideas for songs while walking in this forest.
I think about what Bastian said. It makes sense to ask my mom what she remembers from that time, but at the same time, I’m scared to open Pandora’s box and not be able to close it again.
But what’s the worst that can happen? I’ve already lost Tyler once. Finding him doesn’t make him mine. It just means he’s there.
