"How much did you hear?" I ask.
"Everything."
"Jud."
He raises his hands between us. "No, Sky. It took me a long time to process and get over it. I moved to the other side of the world to run away from the hurt you caused. Think of a broken teenager who just had his life turned inside out, moving on his own across the world. You know how hard that was? I was so alone. But eventually, it got better. I made friends and grew up into this current mess."
He lets out a choked laugh at his own self-deprecating comment.
"Why did you have to go so far?"
"I thought I was running away from you and how you made me feel, away from our fake friendship. But after a while, I realized that it wasn't you that I was running from. It was me. All the things you said were true, so I needed to go somewhere I could hide until I was strong enough to reinvent myself."
I reach over to him, and this time he lets me touch him. I raise the sleeve of his sweater.
"Your tattoos. Losing the weight," I whisper.
He nods.
My knees aren't strong enough to hold me anymore, and I fall onto the ground. No wonder he hated me from the moment we saw each other at the bar.
"I'm so sorry, Jud. I'm so sorry."
To my surprise, Jud sits in front of me cross-legged. He's not crying anymore. It's as if now that his truth has come out, he's finally free.
"Why did you say those things, Sky? I understand feeling that way. But why did you say them?"
I guess it's time for me to tell my truth.
19
Judson
I always knew that if I ever had this conversation with Sky, it would hurt. I just never imagined how much. Or that it would be right after shared orgasms. Or that some perverted part of my brain still hoped that I'd misunderstood what he said that night.
Sky keeps his eyes on the ground between us.
"I was so happy when you told me you were gay," he says.
Huh? "Why?"
"Because it meant things wouldn't change for us. If you weren't interested in girls, I wouldn't lose you."
"You realize I could have chased boys, right?"
He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.
"I didn't think of that at the time. I just thought that as long as we were friends and spent all our time together that you wouldn't need anyone else."
"Sky, are you trying to say…did you…back then?"
He nods, and I’m floored. If I wasn’t already on the ground, I would be falling. My mind tries to put all the pieces in the right place, but it's just too confusing.
"I always felt good around you. You understood me, Jud. When everyone at school started dating, I figured I had to do it too, even though I didn't feel like asking any girls out. It took me a long time to figure out why. Well, it took me two failed attempts at dating girls to figure out why."
My heart is beating so fast, I put my hand to my chest to calm it down.
"I decided that I was going to tell you how I felt the night of the graduation party. I don't know why that night in particular, but it was the end of school and the start of the last summer before college. It felt right. I came out to my parents before the party. You won't be surprised to know it wasn't news to them. Miles, of course, teased me to death, saying we were going to get married at eighteen and be like those weird teenage couples from reality TV shows."
