Is he upset? Why is he upset? I should be the one who's upset.
"What do you want me to say, Sky? You give good head? You have magical hands? I think you can agree with me that itwasnice."
I don't know why I expected anything different from this. These are words I've heard many times from hookups, but from Jud's mouth, they make it sound like what we just did was dirty.
Is it me? Has he regretted it already because it's me?
"You know what, Jud? Fuck you."
"What do you want from me?" he shouts, turning around and almost tripping over the same stone he stepped on earlier.
"I want you to tell me what's wrong. I want you to tell me you didn't feel what just happened. And I want you to tell me why you left ten years ago." By the time I finish, I'm shouting as loud as he is. I'm glad we're far enough away from the farm that no one will hear us.
"We're back to that then. You couldn't leave it alone, could you?"
Jud runs his hands through his hair, messing it up, and I hate myself for thinking even now that he looks so beautiful. Even when he's angry. Even when I'm angry?
Why are we so fucking angry?
I take a deep, calming breath.
"Why did you run away, Jud?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Why?"
Fuck, I wanted to have this conversation another time. I wanted to wait for the right time to ask him the question that's been burning in my mind all these years.
It's too late now. I've opened the box, and now the lid won't fit until I have answers.
"Because I don't want to hear you say it again," he says, and I swear I see his eyes get shiny before he turns the other way.
"Say what?" I step a little closer, but I don't touch him.
"How boring I am, how ugly and fat. I heard you say it once, and I don't want to look at your face as you deny a lifetime of friendship. As you take away all my beautiful memories and burn them into dust with those hateful words. I don't want to look into your eyes as you once again invalidate my entire fucking life."
"What are you talking about? I would never—"
"Stop." He turns around and stares into my eyes.
Tears stream down his beautiful face.
"I was there the night of our graduation party," he says.
"I know, we went together." That night is imprinted in my memory. Every single second.
"We all went to McKenzie Park. You picked a spot for us because it wasn't far from where some guys had all the drinks we weren't supposed to have, but there was a path to the forest right behind us."
I nod. I remember being so scared the police would come, and we'd be in trouble with our parents. Running into the forest would give us a head start, and we'd played there enough growing up that I knew we'd find the way back to Jud's place.
"I needed to pee, so I left to find a tree or bush. When I came back, I thought it would be funny to jump out and scare the shit out of you. But you weren't on your own."
"Blake." Just saying his name brings back the memories. What he asked me…what I told him…and then I know. With sickening clarity, I remember the awful and untrue words I said.
Fuck. Fuck.
This is like one of those movie moments when you're about to die and you see your life flash in front of your eyes. Except, what I see isn't my life. What I see is that one moment that cost me the boy I’m pretty sure I was in love with all those years ago.
