Since it was just the two of us, I hadn't bothered making dessert, but I had made an effort to get Luís' favorite pastries.
"Have I ever told you how much I love you?" Luís said before stealing one of the mini palmiers that had been partially dipped in chocolate with a sprinkle of coconut.
"Several times."
We took our coffees and a plate with the tiny pastries and sat in the living room facing the garden.
"What's going on?" Luís asked before I had a chance to take a sip from my coffee.
"What do you mean?"
"Something's not right."
I took a deep breath and let out a sigh. What could I tell him? That I felt like part of me had died with my husband and the other part was slowly dying because my son wouldn't talk to me? That I hated going to work because the desk next to mine was empty? Was three years too long to still be missing him? Or not long enough?
"Talk to me, sweets," Luís said, putting his hand on my cheek and rubbing his thumb gently over my skin. I always loved how tactile Luís was, almost as if touching people was part of his language.
"I don't know what to say. I feel lost without Dri and Mateus won't talk to me. I don't know how to handle it all on my own."
"Do I need to go kick Mateus' ass?"
"No, he's not the one to blame. I'm hurt and angry because Dri should have told us the truth about Mateus' mom. He should have trusted me." I got up and walked to the patio doors.
"Do you think he didn't trust you?"
"I don't know. All I know is that he's gone, Mateus won't speak to me, and this house is suddenly feeling too big."
"Maybe you need a fresh start somewhere else."
I looked out to the garden where the fairy lights were now lighting up a few trees, giving the garden a magical feel. We'd spent so many summer nights under those lights, waiting for Mateus to fall asleep before we took a precious moment to ourselves and made out like teenagers under the stars.
"I'm too old and cranky for that."
"Sweets, you are most definitely cranky," he said, coming over and giving me a playful punch to the stomach, "but not too old."
I considered his words, but at nearly fifty years old, the thought of starting from scratch somewhere else filled me with dread. Besides, I wasn't sure I could leave this house despite the growing loneliness. This house was Dri's dream; he was in every wall, every detail. I could only ever leave if Mateus decided he wanted to raise his family here, which didn't seem likely considering none of his girlfriends ever lasted very long.
"Vítor, you can't leave your life on standby for Mateus. Try to reach out and rebuild your relationship, but don't let that stop you from living. You are too young to give life up."
Luís was far too perceptive for his own good.
"Thanks, Lulu. And how about you? You've been quieter than normal. Is everything okay with you?"
"Yeah." He sighed and then chuckled. "No change. Maybe one day I'll be able to take my own advice."
I loved Luís but always struggled with his choice to stay in the closet for the sake of his parents.
"Why do you do it, Lulu?"
"You know why. They gave everything up for me. I was the child they never thought they'd have. From the moment I was born, they worked to give me everything they could. I know they are too conservative and their beliefs on homosexuality are wrong, but I respect them too much to hurt them. Besides, you know I'm not a relationship kind of guy, so what's the point of rocking the boat?"
"I get it, but are you in the closet because you're not a relationship guy, or are you not a relationship guy because you're in the closet?"
He tapped his nose and smiled, but there was sadness in his eyes that even he couldn't disguise.
After Luís left, I settled in my office. I turned my computer on to look at my schedule for the week, but my mind was still going through the conversation we'd had earlier.
Despite Luís' earlier encouragement to make a change, I didn't want to admit that I'd been getting calls from an architect partnership in Lisbon for close to a year now.
