Vítor
The guiltalone was enough to almost make me skip the visit, but I knew I'd hate myself for it afterward, so I picked up a bouquet of daisies, his favorite flowers, and went over to the cemetery.
The sunny and warm spring day helped calm my nerves. I'd be able to sit on the grass by the grave and talk to him. Some people might have found it strange to sit next to a grave and talk to someone who couldn't answer back, but I always found it strange to stare at a grave and say nothing.
Dri was my best friend, my lover, my everything. Maybe it was crazy, but I would always talk to him, and I would always know in my heart what he'd say back.
The cemetery was on a hill with beautiful views of Porto and the river Douro. The caretaker was a dedicated old man who'd worked at the cemetery since his wife had died years ago. He'd told me he'd applied for the job when he saw it advertised because he wanted to be close to her every day.
When he saw me there for the first time, he'd offered his condolences on the death of my wife. I'd clarified that I'd lost my husband, which he looked surprised about but didn't say anything. As I kept my weekly visits, I got to know Sebastião better. He became the calm presence that soothed my soul on those days when the grief was too much to take on my own.
"Hey, sweetheart," I said as I sat down and placed the flowers on the grave, "I brought you your favorite."
Everything was immaculately clean, but I still felt the compulsion to pass my hands over the stone and his engraved name, removing the invisible dirt.
I could tell that Sebastião had noticed my absence the week before because there was a single rose on the grave that matched the roses on his wife's grave.
My heart swelled at the thoughtfulness of the man who'd lived for his wife, and now that he'd outlived her, spent his days making sure no one was forgotten.
"I'm sorry I didn't come to see you last week." I felt tears burning in the back of my eyes.
If he was here, he'd have had his arms around me and asked me what was up. He'd have said that nothing could be that bad, and if it was, he'd solve it for me. My very own hero.
"I accepted the offer from Bernardo, so I'm going to be in Lisbon for a little while." I picked one of the daisies from the bunch and traced the shape of the petals with my fingers.
"I guess you already knew that, with you being up there watching over me like you promised and all."
When I'd run out of the bar that night, I'd grabbed my overnight case from the hotel, stuffed it all in the car, and driven straight back to Porto. Despite the two glasses of wine and the happy buzz in my belly, I hadn't even been tipsy. I'd been bewitched.
I'd cried all the way home, and it was a minor miracle I hadn't had an accident. The guilt was so crippling that at some point I'd had to pull up at a service station to empty the contents of my stomach.
Bernardo had left a worried message on my phone the next morning. I'd been so exhausted when I'd got home that I'd slept for a day straight. Once I'd showered and felt more human, I'd called him, apologizing for missing the meeting in the morning.
There had been no doubt I'd accept the job when Bernardo was more concerned about my wellbeing than a missed meeting.
As a married man with three children and a few young grandchildren, he'd told me worrying was part of his job description.
I didn't want to say that at nearly fifty, I was far too old to sit in the children category; I also didn't want to say how it had warmed my heart that he'd put me in there regardless.
It was this kind of family-oriented business I wanted to be part of. I didn't need to make money anymore. My career from now on was about the projects I wanted to work on and the revenue came second.
"I feel guilty for giving up my place in the partnership we worked so hard to be part of, but before your diagnosis, you talked about us opening our own office so we could pick which projects we wanted without any politics or agendas. I think this is the closest I'll get, sweetheart."
Dri would have agreed with me. We'd had many conversations over dinner about the direction of the partnership and how some of the senior partners were reluctant to change things because they liked the money coming in hard and fast, especially only a few years away from their retirement. Dri didn't think there would be anything to save from the old partnership.
"You were such a great architect. You never compromised on your vision even when we were still a little wet behind the ears." I chuckled. "And when you walked into a boardroom, fuck, it made me so hard. Every time you set your eyes on mine, I could tell you knew I was hard for you, and I knew you'd be on me as soon as we'd walk through the door at home."
We had so many great memories together, but how could I remember them without also feeling so sad and angry that he was gone and I wouldn't have that again?
"This Gypsy woman stopped me in Lisbon and told me about having more than one love in our lifetime. Do you think that's true? I don't think so. You were it, Dri. You were my once in a lifetime love."
I shook my head as though I was shaking off the feelings and thoughts provoked by the woman's words. Dri would have asked me what I'd want him to do if I'd been the one dying. As much as I couldn't bear the thought of seeing him with anyone else, I'd have wanted him to have a life with a new chance at being happy.
If he was really watching out for me, he'd know what I did, but I needed to be the one to confess.
"I kissed another man, Dri. No, scrap that, I kissed a kid. Fuck, Dri, he can't even have been thirty. I feel so fucking guilty for betraying you." I was looking at the gravestone like I was looking at Dri himself, but everything was blurry from the tears.
"I went into that bar from my twenty-first birthday. I was confused and raw from being there. The kid looked so much like the guy from all those years ago, I think I kissed him to prove to myself that I could do it without consequence, like I was daring the world to tell on me again. Stupid, right? The worst thing is, I don't think it was only that. He was so beautiful and smart, and before I knew it, I'd run into the bathroom after him and kissed him senseless. I took everything I could with no mercy or permission." I didn't stop to breathe until I'd finished my confession. "Why the fuck am I even telling you this?" I choked.
