Chapter Twenty-Five
David
I couldn’t blameMax for asking me to leave after I came back to Joel’s apartment the night we went to the club. I was glad he had someone in his corner to fight for him.
I couldn’t change what I’d done, and Max was right. Anything I said now would look like damage control. I’d done irreparable harm to my relationship with Joel because I was afraid to be outed by a jackass whose word was unlikely to be believed by anyone I knew, anyway.
All I wanted now was to apologize to Joel.
I would have to set aside my feelings for him to make sure my actions didn’t cause any more heartache to the people we both cared about.
I was in love with Joel. It was as simple as that. I probably had been since the day we kissed on the beach as teenagers. Having the opportunity to get to know Joel as an adult was the best gift I could have asked for. Everything else that happened was a dream, and something I’d never thought I’d experience in my lifetime.
Maybe one day in the far distant future, I would find myself in a relationship, maybe even with another man, but I knew it would never be as deep and meaningful as what I had with Joel. The thought that I’d nearly had it all and thrown it away made me feel sick to my core.
It was all my fault, and I would undoubtedly spend the rest of my life hating myself for it, but there was one thing I could still do. I needed to make sure that my actions didn’t have any consequences for Joel’s grandparents.
Once I’d come home that night, I’d felt physically sick and had spent all night on the bathroom floor. Between that and crying until I passed out, I’d mainly felt guilty and sorry for myself.
I’d finally managed to get off the floor and had a shower around midday. I’d called my aunt to say I wasn’t feeling well and would be staying home, probably for a few days. She asked if there was anything she could do to help, but I didn’t want her to come here and see me like this.
I was feeling too brittle to stop myself from crumbling and just blurting out everything I was carrying in my heart.
Joel may not want to see me again, but I needed to speak to him. I needed to make sure he wasn’t going to go back to New York to never return again. It would kill his grandparents, and I knew it would kill him too not to see his family. Even if I had to make sure I was never in the area again whenever he came back, I needed him to come back for them.
When I finally mustered enough courage to go to his apartment, he wasn’t there. I’d seen Violeta on my way back to my apartment, and she’d told me he and Max had gone away for a few days.
I’d made it to my apartment just in time to run straight to the bathroom where I was sick. I didn’t even know how I could still be sick when I didn’t remember the last time I’d eaten. He was already gone. I knew it wasn’t permanent because he’d have to be back before he left for New York, but in my mind, this was the first step to him being gone forever.
That night I spent the whole night in my old bedroom sitting on my office chair, facing Joel’s apartment. His bedroom door was closed because he wasn’t there, but the memories of the nights we’d spent talking to each other over the balconies came to me all the same.
Eventually, I replaced the chair with the love seat from the living room because it was more comfortable. My body was demanding sleep, but I was scared I’d miss him, so I kept looking across the street. There was no movement, and no lights were on. There was just silence and darkness for the next two days.
When my body was too exhausted to stare across the street without wanting to crash out, I read the journal. I went through each post our moms wrote, trying to find some comfort in their words. Each time I read it, I couldn’t reach the end because the tears made it hard to see, and I didn’t want to damage it.
I didn’t know how much more heartache I could take. For every hour Joel didn’t return, I felt like I was closer and closer to a breaking point. I didn’t know what would happen if I did break. Maybe I already had, and how I was feeling was what I was meant to feel. This was what happened when you broke someone’s heart. This was how you paid.
He’d said he loved me in his sleep. Why hadn’t I grabbed that gift with both hands?
After five days of Joel being gone, I finally saw something. I ran across the road to his apartment.
“Joel.” I knocked. “I need to speak to you, please.”
Once again, Max opened the door but only to walk past me, leaving the door open. I didn’t want to just walk in, so I called out from the door, “Joel?”
“Come in.” I heard his voice from inside the apartment. I walked in and saw him standing in the middle of his living room, his arms crossed as though he was trying to protect himself.
As soon as I looked into his eyes, the last remains of my heart broke. I saw resolution in them. Whatever strength he had, he was channeling it all into what he had decided.
“I’m too late, aren’t I?” I asked.
“Too late for what?”
“To ask that you don’t leave forever again.”
“You don’t have the right to ask me anything, David.”
“I know.” Tears were streaming down my face. I wiped them with my hands and tried to say what I needed to say. “Joel... I know I hurt you—”
