This guy wasn't just crude for effect. He was also threatening to out me to my aunt. Fuck.
I didn’t know Lucas very well, but by the sole fact that he was talking to me like this made me trust that he would quite happily say something innocent to my aunt that would make the truth come out before I was ready.
In the last few days, I’d grown more and more attached to the idea of coming out to my aunt. Being with Joel showed me how good it could be to be free to be myself with another person. I wanted that person to be Joel, but I didn’t know how that was going to work out with him being in New York. I figured we’d work that out once I talked to my aunt.
One thing was certain. I wasn’t going to let myself be bullied by this guy.
“Are you threatening me, Lucas?” I asked, getting in his face, hoping to sound more confident and menacing than I currently felt.
“Most definitely not, honey. I was hoping we could come to an arrangement, that’s all.”
“You can shove your arrangement up your ass, Lucas, because I’m not allowing myself to be bullied by a little piece of shit like you. Got it?”
I saw a look of defiance in his eyes, but I chose to ignore it and got up to leave the club.
Once I was in a taxi to the train station, I sent Isaac a text saying I was making my way home by train and got a quick apology back from him that he had to leave early to chase a lead on a missing kid.
Once I was on the train home, I felt myself shaking with anxiety. I’d fucked things up with Joel. I’d dismissed everything that had happened between us in a heartbeat because I was afraid. It was already past midnight, but I couldn’t wait until tomorrow to talk to him. I felt like my body would crawl out of my skin if I did.
When I arrived at Joel’s apartment, I knocked on the door several times until it finally opened by Max, who stepped out looking like he could chew my head off.
“What are you doing here, David?”
“Max, please, I need to speak to Joel.”
“He doesn’t want to see you, and quite frankly, I don’t blame him.”
“I know I messed up, but I need to talk to him. He doesn’t know how I feel.”
My voice sounded more and more desperate with each word I said.
“I think he does. You’re afraid to come out of the closet. That’s your choice. He’s worth more than that, David, and if you didn’t know that before tonight, nothing you say from now on will make a difference because it will just be damage control.”
Without leaving me any time to say a word, Max went back inside the apartment, leaving me staring at the closed door. Not that it would have made a difference because I now knew there was nothing I could say to change what I’d done.
I’d totally screwed up my relationship with Joel.
