My chest ached and my hands shook as I opened the small box I was carrying. I dropped to my knees and ran my fingers through some of the small wildflowers. I didn’t know what they were, but I liked the riot of colors.
I let some of the ashes fall from the box onto the spaces between the flowers and allowed them to mix with the brown-orange soil, making my mom and dad a part of this special place.
I got up and took just a few more steps closer to the cliff edge. David was right there with me, and he held my hand and squeezed it tight, showing his support.
In one swift movement, I released the ashes toward the ocean. I let out a sob when I saw the cloud of ashes caught on an updraft, making them float in front of us for a moment before they dispersed in the wind, flying to their final destination.
With each particle that settled on rock, soil, or water I said goodbye to my parents. They would now live in my heart and my memories.
I thought of all the great moments we had as a family and knew I would never forget them. The day I told my parents I was gay and found nothing but unwavering support, the day Max and I graduated from high school, and the day I secured a job as a teacher in one of the top elementary schools in Manhattan. If one day I married and had children, I would tell them all about my parents so they’d know what amazing and caring people they’d been.
I almost forgot I wasn’t on my own, and I didn't realize I was sobbing until David scooped me up into his arms and wrapped them around me. David, my best friend, the first person I ever remember, other than my family; he was here for me now even when I was breaking. Little did he know that his presence alone was enough to glue together all the tiny shards of my broken heart.
We stayed like that for some time. Minutes, hours, who knows, until I felt ready to start the next part of my life. My family would have their moment to say goodbye this weekend, and then I would continue to live, be happy, and make my parents proud.
I unwrapped myself from David's arms, feeling the loss of his warmth. We sat down and watched the sun slowly disappear behind the horizon in comfortable silence.
I always felt at home around David ever since we were little, and now, despite the years we’ve been apart, it was no different.
Sitting on the cliff’s edge looking into the sunset with David’s strong presence next to me made me remember the last day we’d been together thirteen years ago. We’d taken the train to Fonte da Telha beach and spent the day swimming and sunbathing. I’d always hated that last day before going back to America. I’d been sad and frustrated that I’d have to go back and would miss out on more beach days and fun. At the same time, another smaller part of me always looked forward to going back to New York and my friends there.
That summer had felt different. I had no longer felt like a child, and alongside the changes happening in my body, there were the changes in my mind and heart. I could feel David was different too.
I’d started questioning my sexuality earlier that same year when I realized I wasn’t interested in the girls my friends spent so much time talking about. I also wasn’t interested in the boys, so I’d been very confused up until I arrived in Portugal for the summer holiday.
All I wanted was to be around David; he made me feel like I belonged somewhere, like I was part of something, even if I didn’t know what that something was.
On the last day of the holiday, we couldn’t stop touching each other, almost like our fingers were creating memories to keep. David would stroke my arm if he were pointing something out to me, or he would touch my hair and ask if I was allowed to keep it that long at school.
Thinking back, I think we had a unique kind of relationship that was so innocent and pure.
Up until that day, we'd never done anything that was remotely sexual, almost like our bodies knew they weren’t ready yet because our minds hadn’t caught up.
There hadn’t been many people on the beach at the time with it being late afternoon on a weekday, so we knew we wouldn’t disturb anyone with our games in the water. I can’t remember when it happened, but one moment, we were tumbling roughly in the water and the next, we were chest to chest, facing each other.
David’s brown eyes were somehow lighter and sparklier with beads of water all over his long eyelashes. We were laughing and catching our breath. Then David moved forward, put his hands on the backs of my elbows to pull me to him, and kissed me.
The moment our lips met, eager and inexperienced, it was as if a magic chest opened and beautiful light illuminated everything around us. There was no awkwardness or doubt about what we were doing.
That’s when I knew that whatever I was, gay or not, David was the only person I wanted in my life forever. I could feel it in my heart, and the way he'd been kissing me and holding me told me he felt the same.
We had to catch our breath, but we didn’t part. We stood there, water to our waists, staring at each other, blue eyes to brown. No words were spoken. That had been our goodbye with a promise.
We left the beach to go home, holding hands and smiling like we carried each other’s most precious secret.
David touched my hand, bringing me back to the present, and I felt myself blush at being caught in the moment, thinking about our first kiss.
"Do you remember our kiss at the beach the last time I was here?"
David blushed and looked away. "Yeah, that was… yeah... a long time ago."
"I think that was when I realized I was gay. I didn't come out to my parents for a while though. In fact, it was Jojo, my American grandmother, who encouraged me to do it the following year."
I didn't know if I was sharing this because I felt obliged now that I brought up the topic, or if I wanted a repeat of that kiss and was making it very clear that David fit the category.
"Is that why you didn't come back?" David asked quietly.
“What? No, my grandmother was unwell, so I spent the summer with her. I was keeping an eye on her to make sure she took all her medication and didn't do anything silly." I chuckled. "She made me pursue a boy that lived near her, saying I needed a summer romance. I was fifteen!"
