Chapter Five
David
I was exhausted.After being up and working for eighteen hours straight, my feet were aching, my back was sore, and I needed some rest before starting all over again in the morning. My mind, however, was firing on all cylinders. I felt a mix of relief and excitement as I thought about the evening and my walk home with Joel.
For years I wondered if I would ever see him again. When my mom died, I’d felt alone and abandoned by my best friend. Joel’s mom, Sílvia, saved me with her love, kindness, and dedication to my mom and ultimately, to me. I would be forever grateful to her, but it was Joel I’d wanted to see back then.
Year after year I’d waited for the summer holidays, hoping I’d see Joel again, but he never came back, so I became angrier and angrier until I realized that there was no point to my anger. We had been two teenage boys who eventually grew up, and maybe our closeness as kids would have fizzled out anyway.
I chose to hold that belief until I did grow up and my new interests and responsibilities became my world. I also found a new friendship with Isaac and, to an extent, with his brother Alex. I hadn’t felt the same way about Isaac as I had felt about Joel, I knew that. I guess I must have buried my feelings at some point and just carried on until today, until Joel walked into my café and with one single look from his blue eyes took my breath away and brought back everything I had tried to forget.
Our conversation had flowed so naturally, and I couldn't remember ever sharing so much of my life with someone who wasn't a regular presence in it. Isaac was the only person who knew everything about me, and it had taken almost two years of friendship for me to open up.
I’d lived alone since I was eighteen, making the small two-bedroom apartment I’d shared with my mom my own. There were memories of her everywhere, but I managed to add a few of my touches, including making my old bedroom into a large closet slash office. As I went in to grab a pair of boxer briefs to wear after my shower, I looked over to the opposite building.
Joel would be getting ready for bed too. A rush of need went through me, and I felt my body react to the memory of Joel's slim body pressing against mine earlier this evening. My jeans suddenly became too tight for comfort.
I walked to the balcony and did what I hadn’t done in twelve years. I opened the door. I hoped the silent message would be received on the other side of the street.
Then I went back to the bathroom, stepped into the shower, and turned it on. The hot water was like a balm to my sore muscles. I stretched and worked out the kinks from bending over the kitchen worktop all day, but it looked like my blood was determined to remain in the one area I was working hard to ignore, no pun intended.
I had known I was gay when I was thirteen. Or, at least, I thought I’d been in love with someone of the same gender at that age. I’d never been particularly attracted to girls, but then again, no other boy captured my attention, either. I just hadn’t thought of labels at the time.
Joel moved away when we were eight, and slowly but surely my feelings went from confused to realizing that my best friend, the person I’d grown up with and couldn't stand to be separated from, wasn't just my best friend; he was my soulmate.
Of course, that was at thirteen. Now, at twenty-six, I was almost confident it was just a crush. Although, if I was truly honest with myself, I hadn't been interested in anyone since, having chosen instead to honor my mom’s memory with my work at the café.
I thought of Joel's beautiful blue eyes, like sapphires, and his lips, which looked as soft as cotton candy, and I wondered if they'd be as sweet. Without much conscious thought, I grabbed hold of my cock and squeezed it hard. I stroked slowly but firmly, indulging in the pleasure. I wondered what his lips would feel—
“Fuck. No,” I shouted to no one. What sort of person does this? I shouldn't even be thinking of Joel this way. I turned the water off and grabbed a towel to dry, forcing myself to think of anything else but Joel.
Feeling unsettled and frustrated, I picked up my recipe notepad on the way to my room, hoping that going through some notes would eventually help me sleep.
It did work because after only ten minutes, I was struggling to keep my eyes open. The last thing I remembered was that I didn't tell Joel about the journal. I would have to text him in the morning.
* * *
I woke up feeling surprisingly rested. Outside was barely light enough to be called day, and I could tell this was going to be another cold and crisp morning until the sun would come out to burn the morning fog. I went to the bathroom to start my morning routine, and as I walked past the spare bedroom, I realized the balcony door was open.
Everything hit me all at once—dinner at the café, walking home with Joel, our natural conversation, and then opening the balcony door before I went to bed like in the olden days.
Then immediately guilt struck. I knew I couldn't allow myself to explore any feelings I may still be harboring for Joel. I wasn't out. I couldn't be out. I knew Joel was out to his family, and they were supportive. I’d never heard his grandparents saying anything that meant they were anything but. My own experience was very different.
As I settled into my office to do my regular exercises and weights, I allowed my mind to drift and get lost in the mess that was my life.
Being gay in Portugal didn't carry the same stigma as it once had. At least not openly. In one's home, though, it was an entirely different picture. I knew there were many young people whose parents had kicked them out of their homes and disowned them for being gay, leaving them to fend for themselves at a young age.
My best friend, Isaac, had been one of those kids. At seventeen and coming from a loving, stable family, he thought he was safe coming out to his parents. They ended up throwing him out of the only home he had ever known, and with no family left, he would have been on the streets if not for me and his brother, Alexandre.
I was a year older than Isaac, and even at eighteen, it was on rare occasions that my aunt and uncle would visit my apartment. I’d been self-sufficient and spent so much time at the café they hadn’t felt the need to do any extra checking up on me. That meant Isaac had been able to live with me while he finished school and got a job to support himself. Alexandre was also a good friend, but being younger than Isaac, it meant he’d been afraid to stick by his brother and become a burden because he knew what the likely outcome would be.
However, Alexandre did stay by Isaac’s side throughout and showed all the support he had been able to until he was old enough to tell their parents where they could stuff their homophobia.
Alexandre visited his brother as often as he could, and their relationship had only become stronger. It sometimes made me a little jealous to see them together. How close they were and the past they shared, as well as the promise of a future full of love and support for each other. I had once thought I had that with Joel, even before I realized my feelings ran deeper.
My aunt didn't know I was gay. When I realized I had feelings for Joel, it took me a whole year of trying to make sense of it all, and I hoped to see Joel the following summer. He didn't return to Portugal, and then when I decided to come out as gay to my mom, she became ill, so it didn't seem like it was an important thing to do at the time. I didn't have a boyfriend, and the person I wanted to be with was across the Atlantic. My priority then was to look after Mom and hold on to her for as long as I could.
My uncle knew, or at least he had witnessed an event and had come to his own conclusions. They weren't far from the truth, but his reaction to what he’d seen made it impossible for me to come out. I wouldn't be kicked out of my house, and my business was my own, but while it seemed as though I had the power to control my life and how I lived it, I was also afraid I would lose the relationship with my only remaining blood relative, my aunt. My uncle knew that, so for now, the status quo had shifted very much to his side.
