But none of that matters now. Jordan has made his position clear, and I need to respect that. I need to go back to being just the nanny, just the neighbor who helps out with Henry.
I need to stop wanting things I can’t have.
CHAPTER 21
JORDAN
The ICU is quieter than usual this afternoon, the steady beep of monitors creating a rhythm that’s become as familiar as my own heartbeat. I carry two cups of coffee from the hospital cafeteria: one black for me, one with extra cream and two sugars for Amy, just the way she’s always liked it.
She can’t drink it, of course. But I’ve brought her coffee every day for three weeks, setting it on her bedside table like we’re about to have one of our regular weekend conversations. It’s a ritual that probably seems pointless to the nurses, but it makes me feel like Amy is still here with me, still my sister, still the person who knows me better than anyone.
Placing her coffee on the table, I settle into the chair beside her bed, the same one I’ve occupied every day since the accident. Amy looks the same as she has for the past three weeks—peaceful, unchanged, suspended somewhere between sleeping and gone.
“I think I messed up last night,” I tell her, reaching for her hand. It’s warm, which I always take as a good sign, even though I know it doesn’t mean anything medically. “With Alexa.”
Amy’s face remains serene, giving nothing away. But I can almost hear what she’d say if she were awake. She’d tell me to stop overthinking everything. She’d probably roll her eyes at my tendency to sabotage anything good in my life.
“She’s incredible, Amy. You’d love her.” I adjust Amy’s blanket unnecessarily, needing something to do with my hands. “She’s smart and funny and so good with Henry. And with her son, Ash. She’s raised this amazing kid who’s kind and curious and confident. She did that on her own, with no help from anyone.”
The words flow more easily when I’m talking to my sister. She’s the only person who’s ever known all my secrets, all my fears.
“Last night we almost kissed. And I wanted to. God, I wanted to so badly.” I lean back in the uncomfortable hospital chair. “But this morning I told her it couldn’t happen. That it would be inappropriate because she works for me.”
The excuse sounds weak even to my own ears.
“I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m using work as an excuse because I’m scared. And you’re not wrong.”
The truth sits heavy in my chest. Yes, there are legitimate concerns about professional boundaries. But that’s not really why I shut things down this morning.
“The real problem is that I have feelings for her.Realfeelings. The kind that could turn my whole world upside down.” I stand up quickly, then sit back down, frustrated. “And what happens when I go back to work? Eighty-hour weeks, emergency calls, patients who need me at all hours. I’ll disappoint her just like her ex did, except instead of leaving completely, I’ll just never be there when she needs me.”
The thought of hurting Alexa the way Ash’s father hurt her makes my stomach turn. She deserves better than someone who will inevitably choose work over everything else.
“She told me he left when Ash was an infant. Said he wasn’t ready for the responsibility.” I shake my head, anger flaring. “How do you walk away from something like that? From her?”
But I know I’m doing something similar. Not walking away completely, but refusing to step forward. Keeping everything safe and professional and emotionally distant.
“She was hurt this morning when I told her we needed to keep things professional. I could see it in her eyes.” The memory makes my eyes water. “Maybe that’s for the best. Better to hurt her a little now than a lot later when I inevitably let her down.”
Amy’s monitors continue their steady rhythm, and I wonder what she’d say about my logic. Probably that I’m being an idiot. Probably that I’m so afraid of messing up that I’m guaranteeing I’ll never have anythingworthmessing up.
“I care about her, Amy. Really care about her. And about Ash. They’ve become important to me in a way that scares the hell out of me. When I think about going back to my old life, my empty house and predictable routine, it feels wrong now. Like I’d be missing something essential.”
A nurse walks by in the hallway, reminding me that I’m surrounded by people whose lives have been turned upside down by circumstances beyond their control. Like Amy. Like me, three weeks ago.
“What if you don’t wake up?” The question comes out as barely a whisper. “What if Henry grows up without ever knowing hismother? What if I’m all he has?” My voice cracks, and it’s like everything I’ve been trying to keep in is coming out at once.
There’s another part to the Henry thing, too. The thought of raising him terrifies me, not because I don’t want the responsibility, but because I want it too much. I want to be the person Henry looks to for comfort. I want to be the father figure Ash has never had. I want to build something real with Alexa.
But wanting something and being capable of it are two different things.
“Keeping things professional is the smart choice,” I tell Amy, trying to convince myself as much as her. “Alexa gets to keep her job, Henry gets the care he needs, and nobody gets hurt when I screw things up.”
But even as I say it, I know I’m lying to myself. Someone is already getting hurt. I saw it in Alexa’s eyes this morning. And I’m hurting too, sitting here talking to my unconscious sister about the woman I can’t let myself love.
“The thing is, I think I might already be in love with her. With both of them. Her and her son.”
The admission hangs in the air between Amy and me, finally spoken after weeks of trying not to think it.
