“Like me?”
“Especially like you.” I reach over and ruffle his hair. “You’re smart and kind and funny. You help with dishes without being asked, and you never complain when we can’t afford something you want. Those things have nothing to do with having a dad—and everything to do with who you are.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “I still wish I had one sometimes.”
“I know. And that’s okay. It’s normal to wonder about that.” I start the car, my heart in my throat. “But right now, it’s just you and me, and we’re doing pretty great, don’t you think?”
“Yeah.” He finally smiles. “We are.”
“How was your day?” I ask, pulling out of the school parking lot.
“Good. We talked more about the DC trip in social studies. Mr. Robb showed us pictures of the Smithsonian. It looks so cool.”
My chest tightens, but I keep my voice steady. “It does sound amazing.”
“Blake’s mom already sent in their deposit. She said the hotel has a pool.”
A pool. Of course it does. I nod and make appropriate encouraging noises while my mind calculates how many retail shifts it would take to earn seven hundred dollars.
Too many.
“Can we stop at the bookstore?” Ash asks as we drive through downtown. “I want to see if the newSpider-Mancomic is in.”
“Not today, buddy. We need to get home.”
He doesn’t argue, which somehow makes me feel worse. A few months ago, stopping at the bookstore wouldn’t have been a big deal. Now, every small purchase feels like a luxury we can’t afford.
We’re turning onto our street when I notice my neighbor getting out of his car. Dr. Jordan something. I’ve never bothered to learn his last name, though I probably should since we’ve been living next door to each other for six years.
Anytime I’ve ever seen him, he’s been alone. Not today, though. Today, he’s carrying a baby carrier.
I slow down as I pull into our driveway, watching him struggle with the carrier and what looks like a diaper bag. The baby carrier rocks slightly as he adjusts his grip, suggesting there’s actually a baby inside.
“Mom, are you going to turn off the car?” Ash asks.
“Sorry.” I cut the engine, but I’m still watching Jordan. “Did you know our neighbor had a baby?”
Ash follows my gaze. “Dr. Jordan? No. Maybe his wife just had one?”
Wife. Right. Of course he has a wife. Successful, attractive doctors don’t stay single. They find equally successful, attractive wives and have babies and live in nice houses with perfectly manicured lawns.
Unlike single mothers who get laid off and have to apply for retail jobs just to keep the lights on.
I grab my purse and follow Ash up our front walkway, trying not to feel bitter about my neighbor’s apparent domestic happiness. It’s not his fault my life fell apart. It’s not his fault I’m thirty-two and starting over again.
But watching him fumble with the baby carrier does make me feel slightly better. At least he’s not perfect at everything.
“Can I have a snack?” Ash asks as we head inside.
“Of course.” I drop my purse on the kitchen counter and open the pantry.We have plenty of food, I remind myself. We’re not struggling in that way. Not yet.
While Ash munches on crackers and does his homework at the kitchen table, I open my laptop and refresh my email. Still nothing from any of the marketing positions I’ve applied for. A few automated rejection letters, but mostly silence.
I open up another job search website and scroll through the listings. Administrative assistant. Receptionist. Another retail position at a department store. All of them paying significantly less than my old job.
Through the kitchen window, I can see into Jordan’s backyard. The lights are on in what I assume is his kitchen, and I catch glimpses of him moving around. He still has the baby with him.
I wonder what his wife is like. Probably a lawyer or another doctor. Someone who can afford to take extended maternity leave without worrying about money. Someone who has a support system and options.
