I feel my pale skin blush bright red, and I look down at my hands once the embarrassment makes it too hard to look at either of them. “Oh my god, I am so sorry,” I apologize, flushed with shame. I always make it a point to know the names of the people who work with our family. When I meet a new employee, I like to make it clear that I don’t think I’m above them or anything like that. They’re doing something for us, and I appreciate it. You never know when you’ll end up making a special connection with someone—like Mrs. Heyton.
“It’s okay, Ms. Summers. Trauma like that isn’t easy to recover from,” the second guard says gently, and when I look up at him, he’s smiling. He’s a plain-looking man. I wouldn’t say handsome, since his nose looks like it’s been broken one time too many, but his eyes sparkle with laughter. “I’m Simon, and this is Riku. We were instructed to blend in with the background unless it looked like you needed us. I guess it shows how good we are at our job. Yesterday was the first time that we had gone out with you to any event. You’ve had others on your detail in the past. We were all rotating, but your dad decided he wanted the guards to get to know the person they were assigned to.”
“Yes, Simon and I are permanently guarding you now, Ms. Summers, and Franklin and Charles in the front are responsible for the other Ms. Summers.” Riku’s gorgeous voice sends a shiver down my spine, but I hold myself still, showing no outward signs of it. I’ve had about all the embarrassment I can handle today.
Hope rolls her eyes. “I’m Hope, she’s Jacinta, and the other one is Harlow. You can’t go around calling us all Ms. Summers! It’s just too confusing. Anyway, now that we all know each other, I’m going to cram in some work before we get home. I have a few things I need to catch up on before tomorrow’s board meeting.”
That catches my ear. “There’s a board meeting tomorrow?” I pull out my phone to check my emails, and sure enough, there’s one advising me of it. “Shit. I’ve been so busy at Willow Castle and trying to get some new sketches together, I must have missed the notification.”
“It’s in the morning before your other meeting to discuss all the applicants. According to the agenda Poppy sent out, I’m introducing everyone to Cole, we’re going over all the applicants for the CEO for Cruise Lines, discussing the purchase of the amusement park, and appointing a team to manage that.” She stabs at the email on her phone screen.
I feel sick. So much has happened recently, and I haven’t really stuck my head up for air. I squeeze Hope’s hand. “I’m sorry, Hope, and I’m going to have to apologize to everyone else as well. I haven’t really been all that present for the last month.”
“Babe, it’s understandable. It was nice seeing you cut loose and have fun like that. Maybe we can do it more often. I think Cole has set up some more functions for us all to attend so we can be seen out and about. I’m guessing the theory is it will help get rid of all the rumors flying around about our family.”
Any calm I’d managed to grab slips from my grasp when she says that. Whatever thesefunctionswill be, they mean I need to be around people again. That means having to plaster on fake smiles and pretend that everything is good, exchanging hugs and air kisses with fake people when all I want to do is run screaming. Simon and Riku have fallen back into silence, and I know they’re paid to keep their mouths shut, but there’s no way that I’m going to show them the freak-out that’s happening on the inside.
I sit quietly for a moment, the only sign of my agitation a tapping foot on the thick carpet floors, but as Hope’s finger flies across her phone, sending messages and emails, I can’t sit here any longer. I slide along the bench seat and open up the little fridge along one side of the vehicle. Inside is a well-stocked bar with glasses and ice. I pull one out before closing it and reaching for the bottle of whiskey that’s sitting in a little cabinet next to it. A generous splash goes into the glass. Simon and Riku quietly watch with no judgment in either of their eyes, but Hope is suddenly much too disinterested in her phone.
“Jazzy, what are you doing?” Hope asks carefully as I screw the lid on the bottle and slide back into my spot, drink in hand.
“Just a little hair of the dog.” I force a smile on my face and lighten my tone. Hope studies me for a moment, and I pray she can’t see the desperation I feel in my eyes. Soon enough, she looks down at her phone again, and I breathe a sigh of relief. When I look at the guards again, Simon has taken out his phone too, but Riku is still looking at me. His gaze is so penetrative, I feel like he can see into my soul and can see all the ugly, frayed, terrified pieces of me, so I look away.
For the next few minutes, I stare out the window, but that hardly helps. I can still feel his eyes on me, so I down the rest of the whiskey, the hot burn warming my cold insides enough for me to relax a little bit. I place the glass down and grab a pillow that’s tucked into a corner. Putting it under my head, I close my eyes, blocking out that penetrating gaze. Yes, I’m a coward. If I ignore him, maybe I can ignore everything else churning inside me just for a moment. I’ll deal with it as soon as we get home.
Maybe.
ChapterFive
Jacinta
When I get home, I realize I won’t be dealing with it either. The driveway is lined with cars.
Frowning, I climb out of the limo, followed by Hope and our guards. Now that we’re home, I imagine they’ll disappear. I’m not sure where. I think they are staying in the staff accommodation with Josh, Doug, and Clem—Harlow’s zoo employees. As we enter through the front door, I hear laughter and music floating down the central hallway that leads to the main living area. Despite it being the first of November, it’s California, so the day is sunny and warm. I’m sure they’ve set up the patio for entertaining. It sounds like a lot of people are out there, and I’m not quite ready to smile.
“I’m going to head up to my room and put my things away. I’ll be down in a moment,” I tell Hope, going left into what is now only my and her wing. The boys and Harlow have been living at Willow Castle for a few weeks despite it being a construction zone. I think that might be another reason why I’m feeling all out of sorts and anxious. I haven’t ever been apart from my brother. Even college, with us being twins, was done together.
It’s not like I haven’t seen them practically every day, but I’m no longer able to climb into his bed when I have a nightmare. He’s not there at breakfast or swimming laps in the indoor pool when I need him. It’s jarring.
Honestly, I’m sure my difficulty adjusting speaks to deeper issues than just our recent trauma, but how am I supposed to deal with that? It feels like when one issue is uncovered, there are already five more waiting to pile on. I thought I was getting better and becoming a stronger person since I buried the hatchet with Harlow and accepted her as my sister, but my circumstances are just too cruel. Apparently, I’m not deserving of some peace.
“Okay, will you take my bag too, please?” she asks and hands it over. I take it, grateful that I’m going to get five minutes alone to get my head into the right gear.
I hurry through the downstairs entertainment area of our wing. There are a few folded blankets, and all of the big relaxation pods are in front of the TV instead of over by the wall where they normally stay. I know Harlow and the guys spent the night here watching horror movies since their theater room is next on the renovations list. Seeing evidence of them being here perks me right up, so it’s with a little more pep in my step that I run up our stairs to my bedroom. I drop Hope’s bag in front of her room before entering mine.
The McCallister brothers are moving in so they’re closer to the zoo construction and because I think my Nana is trying to weave some of her matchmaking magic. We agreed that they could have the whole third floor to themselves, while Hope and I would have this one, with us all sharing the downstairs for now. My brothers have moved all their personal stuff and left behind furniture, so it’s all ready for the McCallisters to move in. I think that’s happening sometime this week.
Stepping into my room is stepping into my sanctuary. All my worries melt away like a snake shedding its skin. Dropping my bag inside the bathroom near my laundry basket for Mrs. Heyton, I step up to the window that overlooks the backyard, trying to see who’s actually here. I see Dad, Kai, and Thomas over by the grill with beers in hand and smiles on their faces. It’s the most relaxed they’ve been for a long time. Everyone has been carrying around this thinly veiled worry for so long. I think yesterday’s funerals finally let people bury some of those feelings with the people responsible for them.
The pool has been winterized, a cover now over it, so there’s no one in it. Growling, I slam my hand against the window in frustration. Damn it, I’m going to have to physically go down to see who else is here. That makes me feel queasy, so I go over and sit down on my bed.
My leg bounces up and down, my feelings manifesting physically. The whiskey from the limo hasn’t numbed me enough. My eyes slide to the drawer where I hid the coke. Maybe a small hit will help? It certainly did last night.I’ll just use it once more, then I’ll return it to the safe.Striding over to my desk drawer, I pull it open, grab one of the little bags, and clear some space. I need to get this done before anyone comes looking for me.
I get everything ready, and soon enough, I’m snorting up the powder. I feel the now familiar burn at the top of my nasal passage, and I sniff hard as my eyes water. When I’m sure the desk is clean and all evidence of my self-medication is gone, I straighten out my dress and wipe my nose with the back of my hand.There. All good now.
Taking a deep breath, I leave my room and make my way downstairs. The coke kicks in just as I’m leaving my wing, and I feel a smile spread across my lips as my anxiety and nerves float away on the breeze. I feel fucking amazing.
The party noise gets louder as I move through the house, seeing evidence of visitors scattered all over the living area, but I make it to the back patio without being noticed. I take a moment to see who’s here, clinging to anonymity while I have it. Of course all of my brothers and Harlow, Nana, Poppy, and Dad are here, but I can also see Chuck and Melinda, Josh, Clem, and Doug. There’s also the McCallister brothers, and I smirk when I see that Hope is as far away from them as she can possibly get. Molly and Emma are chatting with Lindy and Rowena, though I’m not sure why the latter are here. I’m assuming they weaseled an invite from Dad who is too kind to say no. Jake, Thomas’s agency friend, is in what looks to be an intense conversation with some of our security guards who have joined the festivities, and lastly, my eyes lock on Jace, who’s standing with Alex and Shane. All three of them have beers in their hands, and their eyes light up when Jace nods in my direction.
