“Yeah, she had a few things to say to me,” I admit, unsure whether I should be offended at the blatant surprise on Oliver’s face.
“What are you talking about?” Jaxon has that frown on his face that always appears when he feels like he’s missing out on something.
“Nana approached me the night of the premiere and had a few things to say about Harlow. She suggested the reason we had so much trouble finding the right woman was because we’re always looking in the wrong spot. She also suggested that instead of trying to find six perfect women, we should findonewho is happy to be shared by us all.”
None of my brothers react in the way that I thought they would. I’d seen the signs of interest, but I wasn’t sure if they’d all be able to share the same car let alone woman.
“None of you seem surprised?” I ask, looking around the table.
Kai shrugs, taking a sip of his beer. “Nana hadn’t said anything, but I can’t say I wasn’t having similar thoughts. Why do you think I didn't care that Jaxon wanted to tag along to Hawaii? I know you guys assume that I overlook shit, but I notice a lot more than you think.”
Both Jaxon and Holden have already nodded, so we all turn to Declan. With all eyes on him, our big brother, the one who stares down Hollywood bigwigs without flinching,squirms.
“Look, I don't know. Jacinta still has her issues, and I’d hate for her to think we were abandoning her for something that Harlow might not even be interested in. We hardly know the girl.”
“Okay, that’s fair enough. I have my own reservations about all of this; you guys know my history. I don’t think I could ever be the man that she needs even if I have the rest of you to pull up the slack. I’ll spend time with her, help keep her safe, and God knows I can’t deny that she’s sexy as hell, but I’m not committing to any of this right now.” Even though the words coming out of my mouth say I’m not all in, that pang in my chest tells a whole different story. For the first time in a while, I’m almost disgusted with myself. What happened to the decision I made in the stables? What happened to giving her… and myself a chance? I can see Kai looking at me, wanting to talk about the change of heart but I can’t right now. I will keep her safe, and maybe when I stop being a fucking coward, I’ll be able to see if this can turn into something more.
“Let’s just take it how it comes but keep the idea in mind,” Oliver insists. “It really could be the solution to our problems, and I don't know how we didn’t see it before.”
“Maybe because no one has ever been right for all of us,” Holden says quietly before standing up. “With all of that to think about, I need to crash. Goodnight.” I watch Oliver's face as Holden walks away, the sadness that he tries to hide. Maybe Harlow can help fix that too.
One by one, my brothers say goodnight and disappear inside, leaving me on my own. Pulling out my phone, I ring my handler at the FDCT and fill them in, hoping that they might be able to do a little digging too. Any help we can get to figure it out will be welcome.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Jacinta
Once the police had finally left and I went to bed, I spent hours tossing and turning, my mind not able to let go of the thought that someone wanted me dead. Have I really beensobad that someone has decided a permanent solution is in order? It’s not like I ruined the girl’s life… right? Do I really deserve to die for just messing with her a little? That memory of the mannequin dressed up as me, a bullet hole in the middle of its skull, just won’t leave my mind.
First thing in the morning, bleary-eyed and feeling way too introspective for the early hour, I’m on the phone with my fucking therapist. I’ve been avoiding this moment up until now, but my insecurities are slowly eating away at me, and I need answers. So far, I’ve been removed from my job, pissed off my brothers, triggered Jaxon, and now someone wants me dead. It feels like the universe is continually piling shit on me, and that nasty voice in my head, the one that sounds like my bitch of a mother is saying,“But you deserve all this and more, you useless girl. I knew you would cause nothing but trouble. Can’t you see that’s why I left you? Poor little abandoned girl, bringing nothing but shit to everyone’s lives.”
In the most terrible case of ironic phrasing in my life, I decide to just bite the bullet for once. My life is literally at stake, and I need to figure out how the fuck I can fix all this before my time runs out. Before she finishes saying good morning, I’m already blurting out the whole story, telling her how I reacted to Harlow, my punishment, my conversations with my brothers… all of it. By the time I’m done, I’m nearly out of breath and she’s completely silent. I hear a deep breath and take my own, knowing she’s about to hit me with some kind of reality that I’m definitely not going to enjoy.
“Jacinta, we have been through all this before, each time a new woman has come into your father or your brothers’ lives. You need to slow down and ask yourself the hard questions, force yourself to think about what you really feel instead of hiding behind that surface anger. When your anger leads, it always exacts a cost, and this time, it seems like that bill is higher than ever. What is it about Harlow that scares you the most? Is it the worry she might replace you in the hearts of the ones you love? Or is it that she might actually be someoneyoucan learn to love?”
We talk back and forth about it, and by the time we finish, I have to own up to the truth. I’m scared to be hurt again, scared that I don’t know how to choose the right people in my life. If I keep my family all to myself, I never have to branch out, never need to make space for another person in my life or in my heart. I made a mistake once, and the damage of that night can’t be undone. I can’t make whole again the family that’s incomplete because I trusted the wrong person, and I guess that guilt is part of what drives me too. The idea that my own family might be damaged by an outsider, the victim of one poor decision to let a bad person in, is something I have nightmares about.
I need to accept that it’s okay for me to feel these things; I’m not broken because I get scared or feel guilt or have insecurities. That’s what my therapist has been telling me for years. I need to know my triggers and question my reactions, but then I need to not let them rule my life and my decisions. And that’s where I epically fail, time after time. In the past, it’s been all too easy to let my hurt lead the way. Aside from Holden’s friendship with Hope, the women in my brothers’ lives have always been unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Either their own choices or a little help from me have gone a long way in showing who they really were.
But Harlow is a different story. She arrived already having an established and loving relationship with Nana and Poppy, and she means something to Dad.She’s not temporary.That’s the part that scares the fuck out of me, and I don’t know how to deal with that yet. Now I don’t really have any option but to admit that how Ihave beendealing with her is wrong and needs to change, but that doesn’t give me any real clue as to how I move forward.
My therapist makes an excellent yet terrifying point. My choice all those years ago tore a family apart, and my choices now are threatening to tearmyfamily apart. I can’t bring someone back from the dead and make that right, but I can stop myself from hurting my own family. Now all I need to do is convince everyone that I’m genuine, earn my way out of Dad, Nana, and Poppy’s bad graces, and find a way to make amends with Harlow.Because that’s going to be easy.
After my phone call, I move to my design table which overlooks the back patio, feeling calmed by the rhythm of the trees moving in the breeze. The sunlight sparkles off the pool, and I can see horses kicking up their heels in the early morning. Taking a seat and picking up a pencil, I allow my hand to drift over a blank page as my mind drifts.
Although I was resentful to start with, the last few days have been nothing short of blissful. To not have to worry about the day to day running of Neighpalm Couture and to be able to concentrate on designing has been a break I hadn't realized I needed. Fashion is such a cutthroat, superficial industry that I sometimes wonder why I got into it, but it’s times like these when the muse is active and my creativity can flow that remind me why I do it. All the rest of it, the meetings, the fake smiles, and all the drama, I put up with so I can do my one love. Make fashion that people look amazing in. All the textures, cuts, and colors are my idea of recreational drugs, and I get a thrill whenever I'm working on a new line. When I get to immerse myself in the fabric supplies and all the haberdashery. Gah, it’s almost better than an orgasm. Though maybe I just haven't been getting the right kind.
Looking down at my pad, I realize I haven't been sketching clothing designs at all. Sitting in front of me is a wolf which has a very familiar looking human face. Alex stares back at me, his green eyes piercing me from the page. I drop my pencil in surprise.What the fuck?
Maybe the book I’ve been reading has been working its way too deeply into my head. When Harlow had told me about hers that day in the limo, I’d immediately gotten a copy for myself. During my time off, I’ve been devouring the series with a voracious appetite. My dreams have been full of three gorgeous wolf shifters, two with very familiar faces and bodies, the third strangely blank for some reason.Well… what does it hurt to fantasize a little? Can’t get myself into trouble if it’s all in my head.My mind drifts back to a very stimulating dream that’s haunted me for days, asleep or awake, and a smile crosses my lips.
But a sudden slamming of a door and the revving of a car has me jumping up, my heart racing with panic as I take off in the direction of the noise. No one needs to know that I almost fall on my face as I try to shake off the all too pleasant stupor of my daydream.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Harlow
It’s late in the morning when I next open my eyes. After tidying the stables with the rest of the family, I practically fell into bed next to Princess. Not bothering with a shower, I’d just stripped off my clothes and climbed into bed naked, not caring if anyone was planning to barge into my room the following morning, too tired to give a crap. I slept deep and long, exhausted both physically and emotionally from all that had happened the previous day. God, it’s hard to believe that it was only yesterday morning that I had that crappy non-interview. So much has happened since.
