But that’s another thing I’ve learned in the years since finding out I will never be a mother.
Life.
Isn’t.
Fair.
And there is not a god damn thing any of us can do about that.
The other sad reality is, there are so many other men and women out there just like me. It’s almost taboo. Losing a baby or suffering with infertility is something not many people feel comfortable talking about. We’re supposed to suffer in silence to keep everyone else happy. So many sisters, brothers, cousins, best friends; smiling and celebrating when their loved ones announce their pregnancy while dying on the inside, the same question echoing in their mind.
Why me?
***
Once Savannah finished loading up bags of clothes for Juliet, even throwing in a few of Hunter’s old clothes for Jaxon, she retreated to the kitchen where she filled Tupperware boxes with enough food to last at least a week.
She even took it upon herself to call Hunter and tell him I won’t be returning to work today because I’m needed for something more important, and because that man is so head over heels in love with his fiancée, he didn’t even question it.
If I’m completely honest, I’m glad she called him. After seeing Killian, watching Savannah have a melt down and then having my own mental crisis, I wasn’t in the right headspace to work on livestock today.
Now the four of us are loaded into my car and on the way to the play area in the park in town.
We stop by Bella’s first, grabbing a coffee for me, because I haven’t slept much lately, and hot chocolate for Savannah and the girls.
“Have you heard from Liv lately?” I ask Savannah as I park in one of the bays by the play area. “The house is so quiet without her.”
Savannah blows on her hot chocolate. “Yeah. She’ll be home in three days.”
“Did she say anything about Grayson?”
She opens her car door and climbs out with grunt. I follow suit. “No. But I can’t imagine she will let him off lightly. She’s very stubborn.”
“I kind of noticed that. Do you think she’ll forgive him?”
Savannah opens the door for Reign, reaching in to unbuckle her and I do the same for Juliet. “Yeah. I think she will eventually. She’ll make him work for it, though.”
I chuckle. “As she should.”
I offer my hand to Juliet, and she peers up at me, her dark blue eyes weary as she chews on her fingers. I smile down at her softly and wait for her to decide whether she trusts me or not.
After a few seconds, she places her small hand in mine and I lead us toward the park, feeling like I’ve accomplished something monumental in gaining this little girls trust.
“Do you think you and Killian will sort things out?” Savannah asks, watching me. “I saw the way he looked at you earlier.”
I sigh at the reminder. “I don’t know. I have so much I still need to say. Right now, I’m just the girl who broke his heart, kept my pregnancy a secret and then deprived him of the chance to grieve. But there’s more to it than that.”
Savannah is quiet for a long time as she stares off in thought. Reign tugs her hand out of her moms and skips over to Juliet. “Do you want to play on the slide with me?” She asks.
I watch Juliet as she looks up at me, almost searching for permission and when I nod, she uses her timid voice to say, “yes.”
The two of them take off running into the play area and Savannah and I find a bench to sit on.
“My mum once told me that sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives, put us on the path to the best thing that will ever happen to us,” Savannah says, gainingmy attention as she watches the two girls playing on the slide.
I keep my eyes trained on the side of her face as she talks. “When I found out I was pregnant with Reign, I was twenty. I was alone, isolated and absolutely terrified. I kept it to myself because her father was abusive, and I needed a gameplan to get out of there. But also, I kept it a secret because I wasn’t sure if I was ready to bring a baby into a life so full of cruelty.” She takes my hand in hers.
“I don’t know if this is the right thing to say to you because our stories are in no way the same, but I didn’t tell my family, or Liv, that I was having a baby because I didn’t know if I was going to keep her. And I knew that even if I did keep her, there was a very good chance I would lose her anyway. I wanted to shield them from the pain of that loss if that happened. So, I understand why you did it, Daisy.”
