“You call if you need me,” Blue states before she gives me a hug. “I’ll come right back if I need to.”
With one last look over at Travis standing in the hallway where the bedrooms are located, Blue picks up her bag and walks out the door. I close it behind her, turning to walk towards the living room. I see Claire curled up on the couch with a blanket wrapped around her as the movie starts.
I sigh, looking behind me to see Travis’s back as he walks towards my bedroom. Taking one last moment to collect myself, to remind myself to be calm and civil for my daughter’s sake, I trail behind him.
Travis sits on the white comforter covered bed, his legs crossed at the ankles as he leans back on his hands. His head is tilted slightly as he looks at me, almost like he’s studying me to gauge my reaction before I know myself what it is going to be.
“I miss you,” he says, breaking the uncomfortable silence.
I scoff and shake my head, crossing my arms in front of me. “You sure have an odd way of showing it.”
“You know how busy I get.” I don’t miss the hardened edge that’s beginning to slip into his voice. “Sometimes I just lose track of the days. Spending as much time with clients as I do, it’s bound to happen. You know that.”
“I know better than most how busy and demanding some jobs can be.” I drop my arms to my sides and take a step forward, my hands subconsciously landing to rest on my hips. “But I don’t let that impede parenting our child.”
Travis’s eyes narrow, a soft red tint coming to his face as he stares at me with noticeable anger swimming in his blue orbs. “Are you saying that I don’t provide for her? I am out there working my ass off to get the money so we can take care of her.”
“You realize that argument is only valid if you’re making more money than I am and paying for everything. Last time I checked, you’re not. I haven’t seen a dime from you in three years. What other excuses do you have for me?”
“You’re only making more because I have to spend money to make money.” Travis sits up, resting his elbows on his jean covered knees.
I scoff in disbelief before I can stop myself. “I didn’t realize spending money on drugs and alcohol was a way you could make more money. Unless you became a drug dealer and neglected to tell me.”
Travis jumps up from the bed without warning, leaping towards me as I take a couple of frantic steps backwards. My back collides with the wall as he cages me in, his hands planting themselves on either side of my head. My anger towards him for once outweighs the fear that is coursing through my veins upon taking in the all too familiar look in his eye.
“Don’t push me, Mar.” The threat is unmistakable. “You know that sometimes I need to take the edge off. You’ve never argued it before.”
“The hell I haven’t,” I spit out through clenched teeth. “But when you took your anger out on me after Claire was born, I learned to adapt and keep my mouth shut. She needed one of us and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be you.”
Travis’s right hand suddenly grasps onto my neck, squeezing enough to make me squirm as I grip his arm but not enough to cut off my arm supply. Suddenly, the fear outweighs the anger as I remember Claire in the living room.
“I am a good father.”
“When you’re here,” I agree, aware that I have to tread carefully here. My next words will dictate how the rest of this conversation is going to go.
Travis lets go of my neck and takes three steps backwards, turning his back to me and gripping his hair tightly in his hands. I take a moment to take a few deep breaths, letting the silence linger between us.
“I’m sorry, Mar.” He lets his hands fall to his sides as he turns back around to face me. “Really, I am. Please, just give me another chance to make it up to you and Claire, okay? I’ll go to rehab, take a month off once I’m out to really be here with my two favorite girls. Anything you want, I’ll do it.”
“I want you to be the man that I thought you were when we started dating almost ten years ago.” I’m unable to stop the sadness from lacing my voice as I think back to the boy I met at a college party when I was just eighteen years old. “We can’t keep going through this, Travis. I can’t let you get my hopes up just to tear me down all over again. I can’t be with someone who does this to me.”
Travis walks over and grabs my shoulders as he stares at me, and I can’t stop myself as my eyes fall closed. “I’m serious this time, Mar. I promise I will go and stay in rehab this time. No checking out early, no more disappearing acts, nothing. I’m here, I’m dedicated, and I want to prove that to you.”
“The best indicator of future behavior is relevant past behavior,” I whisper before opening my eyes to stare into his. “You want to prove something to someone? Prove it to yourself.”
He stares at me with a look of determination I have never seen before. Travis seems ready to do whatever I ask, looks like he is going to forge ahead and do what needs to be done. I shake my head and look down at the carpet, trying to get those thoughts out of my head.
He’s never stuck to his word,I scold myself as I look back up at him once more, gently removing his hands from my shoulders.Don’t do this to yourself.
“Don’t do that,” Travis whispers, grabbing my face between his hands.
“Do what?” My question comes out as a whisper, and I have to force myself to not break eye contact.
He pushes a piece of my blonde hair behind my ear, looking at me with a loving expression that I haven’t seen in a long time. “Don’t give up on me.”
As I stare into his eyes, I can’t stop myself from thinking back on the three and a half years we were together before I had Claire. He was sweet, attentive, one of the most loving men I had ever met in my life; he kind of reminded me of my father in that way. I was his entire world, the only thing that seemed to matter to him.
But once Claire was born, he allowed himself to get too overwhelmed. With me having to take maternity leave, it was up to him to bring in the money and put food on the table. And, unfortunately, he had lost his job just two months before she was born.
