It wasn't as if he was doing anything right now. Maybe heshoulddo what William had said. Maybe he should look through them.
But he didn't want to. He didn't want to think about finances. He thought instead about how angry it made him that his friend had tried to force him into doing this banal work on a day like today. What could possibly have been his reason? Had William understood that James was sitting here feeling unhappy about Victoria's marriage—had his point been to remind James that it was entirely his own fault? Because that was the only thing he had succeeded in doing, and James could hardly believe his friend had taken it upon himself to do such a thing.
No, he wasn't going to look at these papers now, if for no other reason than that he knew looking at them would have brought William satisfaction, and satisfying his friend was the last thing he wanted to do right now. He couldn't bear the thought of having to tell William he had been right.
He shoved the papers into a drawer, where he wouldn't have to think about them any more for the rest of the day. Then he rose from his chair again and went to get a glass of scotch. It would be easier to face this day with a drink, easier if he didn't have to think about the fact that at this very moment, Victoria was preparing to say her vows to Lord Harbury.
Why did I ever push her to marry him?
Of course, the truth was that there had been no good excuse for not endorsing the marriage. If, as he claimed, he wanted to see her well married to a good man who could take care of her, itcouldn't be denied that Lord Harbury fit the bill perfectly. He had the money it would take to provide for her. He claimed to care for her.
The only reason James had for opposing their marriage was the very thing Victoria had accused him of so many times—the thing he knew he couldn't possibly admit to now.
It was jealousy.
He wanted her for himself.
He had developed feelings for her, and the thought of her belonging to someone else, no matter how worthy that person might be, drove him mad. He couldn't bear it.
And yet…this was what was going to happen. He had made the choice the moment he'd realized his feelings for her. He couldn't allow another person to get close to him. Never again. He had decided long ago to spend his life on his own, never to put his faith in other people. He had sworn that he would never consider anyone to be family, because to do so was the quickest way to break your own heart.
In spite of everything, it still hurt that he hadn't had a family that had protected him from his stepmother's machinations. That wasn't something he would ever have. It wasn't something he would ever allow himself to reach for.
It was best to keep the walls up around himself. Soon enough, he would stop feeling this regret about Victoria finding love with someone else, and he would be able to move on.
He just had to wait.
CHAPTER 36
The next knock at the door came so quickly that James felt sure, for a moment, that it had to be William again. His friend had come back to apologize. It must be that. James decided he would accept the apology—but only if it was a good one.
"Come in," he said.
The door opened.
James jumped to his feet. "What in the blazes are you doing here?" he demanded.
For it wasn't William at all. It was Benjamin.
Benjamin crossed to the chair William had vacated and sat down. "I had to see you," he said.
"Where is my butler? Why didn't he announce you?"
"He wanted to announce me, James," Benjamin said. "I had to be rather firm with him in order to get past him, and I beg you not to find fault with him. I promised him that if you were angry?—"
"IfI was angry? Did you foresee a possible outcome in which I wouldn't be angry? Because it was foolish of you if you did."
"I promised that if you were angry, you would be angry with me and not with him. I'm the one who contrived to get into this room without being announced. I am to blame."
"Oh, I have no qualms with the idea of blaming you. You shouldn't be here at all."
"Precisely my point," Benjamin said. "If I had asked to be announced, you wouldn't have seen me. And I wanted you to see me. I wanted to have a conversation with you, if only this one time. It's so hard to persuade you to do as much as have a conversation with me, and I've never understood why."
"After the way we were raised, you truly can't understand why I wouldn't want to see you?" James sighed. He knew he was being unfair. It was Benjamin's mother he was angry with.
"I know my mother didn't treat you fairly," Benjamin said. "I know that was hurtful to you. You felt she cared for me more than she did for you."
"It wasn't a matter of me feeling that way, Benjamin. This isn't a case of sibling rivalry. She doted on you, and she despised me. She resented me for belonging to another woman, for being proof that Father had loved someone before her."
