They sat quietly for a while, as the wheels of the carriage turned beneath them, taking them ever closer to home.
After a while, Grace broke the silence. “So you will not go away?” she said softly.
Diana sighed. She knew, in her heart, that she could never tell Grace what had happened between herself and Tristan. She could never explain it. But she knew that he would never marry her, either, even if he was not going to marry Grace. He seemed as if he did not know what he wanted, and she was not going to risk her heart by waiting for him to decide.
“Grace, I don’t think you understand,” she said gently. She knew that her sister would find what she was about to say hard to hear. “I need to go anyway. I need to focus on myself for a while. I am not sure yet where I am going to go, or when, but I need to leave.”
“Leave? But how will Father handle everything?” Grace asked, her eyes wide. “You help him with so much. He needs you!”
“I know,” Diana replied, her voice steady. “But he will manage, and perhaps you will help him. You will find another decent man who will be your husband, soon enough, and perhaps he can help with the estate too. I need to step away for a while. I cannot continue to be a part of this situation. I must take care of myself for once. I have to find my own path.”
Grace shook her head, clearly struggling to understand. “But you’ve always been there for him. What will he do without you? What will I do without you?”
“I don’t know,” Diana admitted, her heart aching at the thought. “But I am sure that everything will work out in the end. I need to do this, for myself. If I stay, I risk losing myself completely, and I cannot allow that to happen.”
Silence hung between them, heavy and charged. Grace’s expression softened, as she finally began to realize that Diana was serious. “You really mean it, don’t you?” she said quietly. “You’re going to leave.”
“Yes,” Diana confirmed, her voice firm. “I have thought long and hard about this. I need to find my own happiness, even if it means stepping away from everything I know.”
Tears welled in Grace’s eyes, and she squeezed Diana’s hand tightly. “I’m going to miss you so much,” she whispered, her voice breaking.
Diana smiled gently, trying to comfort her sister. “I will miss you too. But this is what I must do. I hope you can understand.”
“I do,” Grace said, wiping away her tears. “And I’m sorry for everything that happened. I’ll always be grateful for how much you’ve supported me. I just want you to be happy.”
Diana nodded, grateful for her sister’s understanding. “And you deserve that same happiness. Please promise me you’ll keep looking for someone who truly appreciates you.”
“I promise,” Grace said, a small smile breaking through her sadness. “I’ll find someone who sees me for who I am, and loves me for who I am. But I wish that you would stay, to help guide me through the decision.”
Diana smiled. “You do not need my help, Grace. You have proved that this week.”
Grace nodded. “Perhaps I have,” she replied.
Diana felt her heart lurching in her chest as she thought of Tristan once more. It hurt to be leaving him behind – not just in the physical sense, but emotionally too. But she had to forget about him, and any foolish fantasies that she might have imagined when it came to their connection. All that was over now, and she had to move forward and learn to live life on her own terms, without him. She forced herself to sit up a little straighter, as she thought of the road ahead. She wished, though, silently to herself, that it did not have to be like this.
CHAPTER 25
“You know what you must do,” Tristan murmured to himself as he stood outside the stable block, waiting for the young groom to saddle his horse.
He had been putting it off for days, making excuses to himself that he was tired following the house party and that he had business to catch up on, having been away from his desk for days on end while entertaining his guests.
But he knew that they were excuses, and that morning, when he rose from his bed and looked out at the gardens of his estate, still vibrant from the recent spring rains, and blooming in a riot of colors, he knew that he could procrastinate no longer. He had to go and visit Grace and settle things between them once and for all. It was not fair to leave it any longer, and in any case, if he delayed then there was a risk that another gentleman would propose to her, and she would accept.
He had not written ahead; he would surprise her, he thought. And if what Grace had said was true, then her father was likely to be at home too. He thought it unlikely that any of the family would have ventured out visiting, so soon after the house party. They all preferred to stay at home, or so Grace had said.
All of them. At that thought, his mind flew to Diana. He could not help it. He had tried not to think of her, and tried to forget everything that had happened between them, but even now, as the stable boy led out his horse and walked her to the mounting block, ready for Tristan to mount her, he felt a flutter in his heart at the thought of seeing Diana again.
But that flutter was mixed with a sense of trepidation, too. The weight of his thoughts pressed heavily on him as he made his way along the lanes from his estate, towards Grace and Diana’s home at Blackbrook Manor.
Part of him dreaded seeing Diana. He felt a sense of shame at how he had conducted himself, alongside a turmoil of emotions that he could not explain. He did not want to face her, but the thought of not seeing her filled his heart with despair at the same time.
And of course, he told himself, as he encouraged his horse into a trot, he would have to see her all the time when he and Grace were married. He felt sure that she would not act on her threat to go away, despite everything that she had said when they last met. Where would she even go, as a young woman on her own? The thought of it was preposterous. And surely her father wouldnot allow it. It would not be at all proper for a young lady like Diana to venture out into the world alone, with no protection.
His thoughts returned to the moment when Diana had told him furiously that her father was not in the last bit interested in the details of his daughters’ life and that he had given her the authority to steer Grace through the marriage market. There had been a hint of resentment in her voice, along with a sense of pride. Perhaps she wished that there was someone to take care of her, he thought, despite that fierce impression that she gave of independence and not needing anyone else’s support or approval. She was a complex woman, and he had to admit that everything about her fascinated him.
He shook the thoughts away. Every time Diana popped into his mind, confusion followed.
And yet, the thought of marriage to Grace filled him with a sense of gnawing obligation. It was his duty to marry the right kind of woman, and he had accepted that long ago? But he thought that perhaps he should feel at least a little excited? It did not matter, though, he told himself. He had never intended to marry for love. It was merely an arrangement, like any other business deal. He should not feel any more emotional about this visit than he would feel if he were going to visit a business contact. He would propose to Grace, she would accept, and then they would be married and everything would progress as everyone expected it to.
