“He won’t think twice,” Lavinia said. “I’m sure of him. He wants to marry me.” She couldn’t explain exactly how she felt so sure, but she did. It seemed highly unlikely to her that he would change his mind, even though a part of her was hoping he would. It was as good as written in the stars at this point.
Maybe it always had been. Maybe this had always been the outcome they were pointing toward—a marriage to Lord Hennington. All that time the duke had spent teaching her, preparing her—he had been preparing her for this.
What a waste.
None of his lessons, in the end, were what she needed. Nothing he had taught her would enable her to feel content in a marriage to Lord Hennington. And yet, it was the only outcome she could feel happy about. Marrying the duke would have been a tragedy, because she would have spent every day of her life surrounded by the knowledge that she wasn’t really what he wanted.
And perhaps she would never have known the reason why, for she believed hedidlove her. That kiss had left her without any doubt.
Maybe he simply found her too embarrassing. Maybe he still thought she was too odd to marry, in spite of all his training and all the reassurance he had given her that things weren’t that way any longer. Maybe he couldn’t risk his reputation by allowing himself to be seen with someone like her.
She didn’t want to believe that was true, but she didn’t know what to think. Not anymore.
“Well, I certainly hope you’re right,” her father said. “I would hate to think, after getting our hopes up like this, that we might lose the opportunity for this marriage to take place.”
“I’m sure Lavinia is right,” Matthew said.
That was a surprise to hear. What was going on with Matthew? Lavinia had been so certain that her brother’s anger with her would never abate, but it seemed that it had. Just as he had always been, he seemed to be on her side, and it felt like a cool drink of water in the middle of a desert. Everything else was so painful and so difficult right now, but if nothing else, she had Matthew by her side. Perhaps that was one thing she could always count on.
The carriage fell silent. Lavinia was relieved by the fact that her father apparently felt no need to go on talking about how wonderful her engagement was. She didn’t think she had the strength to pretend for him right now.
She would have to find that strength over the next few days, especially for the day of the proposal, when it inevitably came. But for tonight, at least, she could sneak away to her bedroom and let her true feelings out. She could allow herself to think about the duke and the fact that she would likely never see him again.
As they went inside, Matthew took her arm and pulled her to one side. She went with him. He knew too many of her secrets for her to worry about pretending in front of him.
“You’re so sure of Lord Hennington,” he said.
“I wasn’t trying to convince him that we’d be a good match,” Lavinia said quietly. “I had no intentions with him, Matthew.None at all. He asked me to have a picnic with him. I agreed. He asked me to dance with him and I agreed. But I wasn’ttrying.Do you understand? I never meant for anything more than that to happen.”
“I’m not sure I do understand,” Matthew admitted. “What are you getting at?”
“I’m saying that I believe he’s in love with me precisely because I did nothing to earn it. It would be harder to believe if I could tell myself I had somehow hoodwinked him, but I know that I didn’t. He simply fell in love with me. I don’t know how or why, but I know that it’s real. And I know that he’s going to follow through with his proposal. Father doesn’t have anything to worry about, and neither do you.”
“I hear the sadness in your voice,” Matthew murmured. “In spite of what you said, you don’t really want to marry him. I know you don’t. I can tell.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Lavinia said. “You were right, Matthew, and so was Father.”
“I never thought I would hear you saythat.”
“You’re hearing me say it. My dreams were too big. I should have been more realistic. I was wrong to hope that love would come for me, out of nowhere, and change everything. You’re right. That’s not the way it happens, and I should count myself lucky to be getting engaged to a gentleman who I know will be kind and caring.”
Matthew nodded slowly. “That’s the way I feel about it,” he said. “But that’s never been the way you’ve felt about it.”
“It’s how I feel now. Maybe I just needed time to accept the truth of the world.”
“Well, if that’s how it is, I’m not going to argue with you,” Matthew said. “But, Lavinia—I’m on your side, all right? I always have been. I want you to remember that. Even when I think you’re wrong, I’m here for you.”
CHAPTER 33
“Aren’t you coming down to dinner?” Seth’s mother asked him.
Seth sat in his library, holding a book in his hands. He had intended to read it, but he hadn’t been able to focus on the words—they seemed to slip away every time he looked at the page, and all he could think about was Lady Lavinia.
The way she’d felt in his arms. The way it had felt to let go of his inhibitions and kiss her, as he truly wanted to. And then, the distance in her voice when she had insisted to her brother that she didn’t want to marry Seth, that she was determined to marry Lord Hennington.
Had it all been a game? Had she ever really been interested in him?
No, she wasn’t devious like that. She didn’t have that in her. What she had said to him had undoubtedly been the truth.
