But that would make it hurt all the more when the inevitable happened—when they turned on one another, as married couples so often did. He wouldn’t be able to stand it if the two of them couldn’t manage to tolerate each other’s company; if they became like his mother and father had been. It would be an even bigger tragedy than marrying someone he had never cared about.
No, he could never marry her.
And knowing that filled him with a grief he had never expected to feel.
He dropped her hands and stepped back. “I wish you all the luck in the world,” he said quietly. “I know you’re ready for this. You’re going to find someone who’s capable of seeing all the wonderful qualities you possess, and I believe the two of you will find love with one another.”
“I owe you thanks for all the ways you’ve helped me,” Lady Lavinia said. “It’s meant the world.”
“You don’t owe me anything,” Seth told her. “My debt was to you. That’s the reason I did it.”And not for any other reason, he told himself firmly, though the more time went by, the more he understood that wasn’t true at all. He had had plenty of reasons for wanting to help her. Most of those reasons were things he could never admit out loud.
But he could admit them to himself, within the depths of his heart. He could admit that he had feelings for her that went beyond anything he had ever felt for anyone else. He could admit that the way he felt around her was enough to make him question his resolve not to marry.
It was that questioning, more than anything else, that let him know for certain how vital it was to keep his distance from her. He couldn’t afford to allow himself to grow close to her, not knowing as he did that his heart was on the line.
He wanted to reach out for her again. He wanted to ask her for one more dance, to delay their parting a moment longer. But he couldn’t do it.
It was time to say their farewells to one another and move on.
He forced himself to turn and walk away. He forced himself to keep his gaze straight ahead, to not look back at her and see whether or not she was watching him go. He knew that neither answer would make him happy.
If she wasn’t watching, he would have to assume that their parting hadn’t been as painful for her as it had for him. But, on the other hand, if shewaswatching him, that would mean that she didn’t want him to go—perhaps, even, that she wanted him to return to her.
And if he knew that was what she wanted, Seth didn’t know if he would have the strength to commit to what he knew was the right thing to do—to walk away from her and leave their time together in the past.
CHAPTER 28
“You’d better get upstairs,” Matthew murmured. “Father wants to see you.”
Lavinia looked at her brother. He wore an expression of concern. It worried her. She had been doing many things lately of which her father would not approve, and she knew it. Now Matthew was telling her that their father wanted to see her. She didn’t know why, but she could think of several possible guesses, and none of them put her at ease.
If he had found out about her meetings with the duke, he might punish her by taking her home immediately, removing any chance she had to find herself a gentleman. Now that she had been through the duke’s training and felt more capable than she ever had of conquering the social scene around her, the idea of being removed from this party felt particularly dreadful.
“What did Father say?” she asked her brother.
“He wants to discuss the subject of your marriage,” Matthew said, giving her a sympathetic look.
Lavinia’s heart sank. “I was supposed to have until the party ended to sort that out for myself,” she said. “I still have a few days left.”
“I suppose he must be thinking that if you haven’t done it yet, it isn’t going to happen.” Matthew sighed. “Lavinia, you know you have my support, always. But don’t you think it would be for the best to simply allow him to manage things for you? You wouldn’t have to worry anymore. Let him arrange you a marriage.”
“He still hasn’t said anything about who he wants to marry me to.” Lavinia pointed out. “I would feel better if I knew who it was. But what if it’s someone dreadful?”
She thought of dancing with Lord Hennington, and how she hadn’t felt anything at all for him—but even so, she could imagine people a great deal worse to be married to than Lord Hennington. At least he would always be kind to her. She would never have to be fearful of him. She would never have to worry that he would put her in a position that wasn’t what was best for her. She couldn’t say the same of whoever her father might have chosen.
“Father wants you to be happy,” Matthew said.
“Father wants me to be married,” Lavinia countered. “Whether or not I’m happy is a secondary concern to him. He certainlydoesn’tmindif I’m happy, but I wouldn’t think he would mind very much if I wasn’t either.”
“I think you should hear him out,” Matthew said. “Go on up there and see what he wants, Lavinia. Maybe he’s going to tell you who he wants you to marry, and maybe it won’t be as bad as whatever you’re imagining. To tell you the truth, I don’t see how itcouldbe as bad as you’re imagining.
I feel, sometimes, as if you think Father is going to marry you to a monster. He won’t. He’ll marry you to the best person he can find for you. He doesn’t want a scandal. You can trust that, even if you can’t trust anything else—and besides, once he reveals the name of the person you’re to marry, you know I’ll intercede on your behalf if you ever feel unsafe.”
“I know you will, Matthew,” Lavinia said. “You’re not the one I can’t trust.”
“You can trust Father to be predictable, surely, if nothing else.”
“Come up with me,” Lavinia said. “I’d feel better if you did.”
