And if she were to marry, it was certain that her future husband could never know.
Maybe the duke was right.
Maybe it had been a mistake.
Lavinia’s eyes filled with tears at the thought.
If it had been a mistake, she knew one thing for certain—it was one that she didn’t regret for a moment.
CHAPTER 25
“You’ve been absent all day,” Allan pointed out as he joined Seth on the upstairs balcony. “Don’t tell me you’ve been out here all this time.”
“I wasn’t aware you were looking for me,” Seth said.
“I wasn’t, especially, but I did have an eye out for you,” Allan said. “You’re my closest friend, you know. And I’m youronlyfriend.”
“You’re not my only friend.”
“Oh, yes, I am. Unless we’re counting Lady Lavinia as a friend of yours now?”
Seth turned quickly to look at Allan. “Why are we talking about her?”
“Seth, let’s be serious for a moment,” Allan said. “I know you better than anyone. I worked hard for it. I spent a lot of time convincing you to open up to me. I’d say I’m still the person you share the most with about your life—am I wrong?”
“You’re not wrong,” Seth admitted. “You know how I feel about opening up to other people. You know how I felt about opening up toyoufor the longest time.”
“Oh, I know, believe me,” Allan said. “If I hadn’t been so determined that the two of us ought to be friends, it would never have happened!”
“You’re probably right,” Seth allowed. “But what does that have to do with anything that’s happening now, with Lady Lavinia?”
“It means that I can see what’s going on more clearly than anyone else can,” Allan said. “I think I can see it more clearly than you can see it yourself, Seth.”
“Well, since you see so clearly, maybe you should explain it to me,” Seth suggested. “I haven’t even seen her today, so I don’t know how you can possibly accuse me of having feelings for her again.”
“It’s not an accusation,” Allan said. “If you have feelings for her, there’s nothing wrong with that, and you might as well just own up to it! Why would you deny yourself that happiness?”
“What happiness? What happiness do you think would come of something like that?”
Allan sighed. “I know your childhood was unhappy,” he said. “You’ve told me what it was like. I know that your parents didn’t care for one another.”
“That’s right. They didn’t. We were hardly a family at all.”
“And you know that not all families are like that.”
“Really?” Seth turned to face his friend directly. “Because your family was like that, weren’t they? Your mother and father didn’t have a good relationship either. You can stand there and tell me that what happened in my household wasn’t the normal way of things, and that I shouldn’t worry things would be like that if I got married. But you know that your own family was just the same!”
“And yet, you see me here, looking for love,” Allan said. “Looking for marriage and family. Unafraid to face those things. What do you think that means?”
“It means you’re delusional,” Seth said. “I don’t mean to be critical. You are my friend. But I’ve thought it for a long time—you’re not realistic when it comes to your expectations about the future, Allan. You have the idea that your life will be different from the life you grew up with, and there’s simply no reason for you to believe that’s the case. I can’t understand why you do.”
“I believe my upbringing served me as a warning,” Allan said. “I believe watching my parents showed me what I didn’t want out of life. Now that it’s my turn to start a family, I can think of all the things they did wrong and use them as a guide. I won’t take any of the wrong turns my parents did.”
“Things are rarely under our control like that,” Seth said. “It’s all very well for you to say that you can anticipate these disasters and avoid them, but do you really think you can? I would have thought it would be impossible.”
“Of course it isn’t impossible,” Allan said. “Some people have happy marriages, Seth. It does happen.”
“It’s too much of a gamble,” Seth said. “Even if I did have feelings for Lady Lavinia, as you suggest—and I am certainly not saying I do—I wouldn’t be prepared to risk my future happiness. I’m not going to marry. I’ve told you that many times, and you never seem to believe me.”
