But as usual, he exhibited remarkable restraint.
“I…” Harriet started, and Simon picked up on her struggling.
“Would you rather I have to guess what it is that is bothering you?” he asked.
Did she prefer that?He had never before expressed such interest in knowing her thoughts. Reluctantly, she nodded.
“Well, I’ll wager that it has something to with Catherine. It has not gone unnoticed how close you have gotten to her in a fairly short period of time,” he admitted.
“You would be correct to assume that,” Harriet’s voice wavered.
Simon leaned forward, studying Harriet’s expression. “But she’s quite happy. I know you worry about my brother but?—”
“No, Simon,” Harriet turned away, her sadness now turned into frustration. “This has nothing to do with Tobias.”
“I just assumed….”
“Well, it does not,” Harriet maintained. “Do you forget that we are married? That when I see Tobias interact with his daughter, I might feel a way that tears me apart inside? That I will never get to experience that, with my own children? Because my husband does not want anything to do with me?”
Her words held weight, and seemed to have had quite the impact on Simon. So much so, in fact, that he was rendered speechless.
“Of course, you might respond saying that it is unfair for me to say this. In some way, you would be correct. You warned me on the first day that this is what my life would look like….” the muscles in her jaw tightened, and a faint flush crept up her neck, coloring her cheeks with an angry heat.
“I am not sure where you are planning to go with this,” Simon interjected.
“I suppose I should make myself more clear. I… when I first married you, my priorities were different. I was never like my sisters — I did not aspire to have a husband, or children. When you offered me…”
Harriet had to stop for a moment to steady herself. Simon was eyeing her closely, unblinking, his breath caught in his throat.
She seemed to have succeeded in getting his full attention.
“When you offered me a life of freedom, one that is without marital responsibilities, I told myself I was being ungrateful by not being happy about it. My reaction, then, confused me. But now I understand everything. I understand that I was wrong about what I wanted,” her voice was barely above a whisper as she stared into the distance.
Somehow, she did not want to look at Simon if he was going to be dismissive of her feelings.
Simon did not reply immediately. He took his time to stomach what she had just revealed to him. His shoulders drooped, as he exhaled.
“And you know what it is that you want?”
Harriet nodded. If she had harbored any doubts before, they vanished now, leaving her with a certainty stronger than anything she had ever known.
“Would you tell me, or do I need to coax it out of you?”
Her cheeks flushed at the intensity with which he spoke.
“Simon… I cannot live like this anymore. I want a real marriage,” she admitted, realizing that this was the first time that she was saying the words out loud. “I want a marriage where there aren’t hundreds of miles between us. A marriage where we have a family of our own.”
Harriet expected him to storm out of the room, to chide her for even suggesting such a thing. But to her utter surprise, he reached out and pulled her into his arms, holding her close as if trying to shield her from the pain. Harriet clung to him, her face buried in his chest as tears began to well up again in her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Simon whispered, his voice thick with emotion. “I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to be the man who brought you pain.”
Harriet shook her head, her tears now flowing freely. “You haven’t hurt me, Simon. You’ve given me more than I ever thought I could have. But… but I don’t understand. Why can’t we be happy together? Why can’t we be a family?”
Simon pulled back slightly, just enough to look into her eyes, . “Because, Harriet, I can’t stay. My life is not here with you. It is back in Bath, where I must return. You know full well that I never intended on staying here. When this is all over, I must go back.”
Harriet felt her heart shatter at his words, the realization that he was serious about leaving cutting through her like a knife. When she spoke again, her voice came out hoarse.
“Is there something wrong with me that you cannot even entertain the thought of staying?”
