Benedict was afraid although he wished not to admit such to himself. She had taken over every area of his life too quickly and his feelings for her were becoming too real. What would happen if he fell in love with her? Would she abandon him much like Juliet had?
With Juliet, it had been easier to move on from that and focus on other things but he did not think it would end the same if Lady Augusta held that much power. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to hold that much power over him.
His mind replayed the moment he had almost kissed her the other night. She’d looked up at him like she wanted him to. Her body had leaned towards his, her lips parting softly and her eyes had lowered to his lips from his eyes.
Benedict had beat himself up over it countless times. He wished there was a way he could go back to that very moment. Would things be different if it was possible?
He shook his head. He shouldn’t be thinking of her the way that he was. It would likely only end in hurt. Soon, the season would come to an end, and when it did, she would look him straight in the eyes, her victorious smirk she often wore, pasted on her face as she broke his heart with a single phrase.I won.
He sighed, suddenly resolved. He would not allow himself to go through that ever again, even if that meant never bringing his guard down around her and truly allowing himself enjoy the pleasure of her company as much as he wished to.
The last thing he ever wanted to risk was falling in love with her. That was not a fall he was likely to survive.
Benedict got up from his seat and pushed his study door open, heading to bed for some much needed rest from his thoughts and the dizziness that plagued him as a result of the drinks he took.
He would not deliver the letter and he would keep some distance between them.
“Ugh…” Benedict massaged his temple as he sat up. He looked out the window to see that the sun was out. He had not stirred at any point during the night and his dreams had been free of the thoughts he often carried into his subconscious.
Benedict got out of bed and prepared for his day. He took a bath to get rid of the smell of alcohol that lingered still on his clothes before heading down to breakfast with his mother and sister.
He trudged back up to his library after breakfast, the effects of the alcohol still buzzing through him. He sighed as he pushed into his study, ready to fill his day with work that would distract him from the thoughts that ran amok in his mind.
He sat down to begin his work when he noticed something off. He scrambled his mind in a bid to find out what it was that appeared so different. He’d tossed the thought aside, writing it off as his butler arranging the table when it occurred to him.
He rang for his butler, waiting impatiently for the man’s arrival.
“You called, Your Grace,” he said.
“Yes. The letter I left on the platter. Where is it?” he asked.
“Ah, I sent it out already, Your Grace. And I made sure Lady Augusta received it.”
Benedict stared at the man in shock. “Ah I see. That will be all, Frederick. Thank you,” he said, managing to curtail his shock.
He tried to bury himself in his work but it was to no avail. Panic seized him as he tried to think of how best to get out of the situation. It would be ungentlemanly of him to simply not show up after the letter had reached her and he could not lie to get out of the situation. That was the coward’s way out.
He dropped his head in his hands. This was not the best thing to happen to him after his decision to keep his distance from her.
All morning, he tried to distract himself with his work in hopes that within that time, there would be a good enough reason for him to cancel on their plans. There was a possibility that she would be disappointed but it was one he was willing to take should there be a much simpler way to do so.
He looked constantly out the window as the morning neared afternoon and sighed, picking up his coat to leave for her home.
As the carriage ride drew near to her place, Benedict knew that he had made the right decision to go after all. He could not bear the thought of her waiting for him to arrive and then disappointed when she realized that he would not be attending after all.
It was a terrible feeling, and one did not have to like the person involved to feel that deep disappointment. He knew that much from experience and he would not allow anyone else, certainly not her to feel that way on his account.
“It’s about time you arrived. I thought I would have to appear on my own and be forced to explain to Lady Augusta why you could not make it. I do not think I ever want to do that, old chap,” Matthew said, his relief showing through his words and the smile on his face.
Benedict chuckled. Matthew did not know how he close he came to actually doing the very thing that he feared to do.
“I do apologize for my tardiness, my friend. I’m afraid I’m still a bit exhausted from our drinking spiel yesterday,” he explained, keeping his other reasons to himself.
The last thing he wanted was to see the pity in his friend’s eyes. He did not need it.
“Well, I certainly hope you recover during the promenade. The fresh air should do you some good.” Matthew clapped him on the back, smiling as they were ushered into the Wenstall Manor by the butler.
“I will inform the ladies of your arrival. Would you like some refreshment as you wait? Tea perhaps?”
