“Your father. It was your father. He told me I would kill you if I stayed and that I could never see you again. And then he sent me away for what was meant to be the rest of my life.”
Chapter 36
“My father? He told you this? But why? It isn’t true. None of it is. Why would he say such things? And when?”
He looked at her, worried she might think him a liar. And really, why would the Duke tell him these things if they were not true? He knew well that Penelope was a studious person, and if she told him she’d learned everything there was to learn about his family and she deemed her own father’s words untrue, then…
“Penny, I am sorry it has come to this. I never wanted to put you in the middle of it all and cause you such difficulty. I only ever wanted to protect you.”
She paced before the fire, only stopping when she had gathered her thoughts. “When did he tell you this? When did he tell you that you are destined to be just like your father?”
He sighed. “It was just before I went to Eton. He told me I had to go to school because he thought our connection was too strong, and too inappropriate to continue. He said I had to grow up and learn to be an Earl, a member of the peerage, and Eton was the best place for it.” He stepped closer to the fire, warming his palms. “One day, soon thereafter, I asked him about when I might come to visit again and if you would be allowed to visit me. I suppose that is when he realized that separating us would not work, we would simply find our way back together. He then told me the truth. Well, what I thought was the truth.”
Was my whole life a lie? Has everything I’ve done, everything I aimed to do to protect myself been for naught? Based on half-truths at best?
“He told me that he could tell I already loved you despite just being a boy. He knew when we grew up, we would wish to be together. So, he told me about my father and his madness. The madness that ran in my family and would doom me to repeat the same mistakes. He told me I had to keep you safe.”
“By staying away from me.”
‘By cutting you out of my life as much as possible. No letters, and no visits. I was to pretend we were nothing more than neighbors. I was to forget everything we had. Our friendship, our years of companionship—everything. Especially my love for you. Although I never forgot anything. Not the smallest detail. Penny, I did it all to protect you.”
She shook her head, a crestfallen expression on her face. “Daniel... I can hardly believe I am saying this, but my father is wrong. You were never destined to be like your father. What I said is true. There’s no madness in your family beyond your father’s.”
Daniel shook his head at this. “No, there is. My grandfather, he lost everything due to it. And I read letters my father wrote about my mother, how his love for her was making him feel out of control.”
“Your grandfather was a good man who liked to gamble. Ask the vicar at the parish church, he told me himself. He knew your grandfather. As for your father, even if he was unwell, there is no reason you should have inherited any of his madness, if there truly was a madness.”
Daniel fell into the armchair behind her and dropped his head into his hands. “But why would your father say it if it was not the truth? He seemed sure that I would harm you ifI confessed my love.”
She looked at him, frowning. “Is this why you wanted to court Bridget? To push me away further?”
Daniel looked up, his heart beating out of his chest. “No! Not to push you away. It was to keep myself in control. I…” He stopped speaking, remembering the conversation with the Duke that had led him to come to this conclusion in the first place.
“I spoke to your father, the night of the ball. I confess, I was somewhat bewildered at Alistair’s obvious affection for you and it greatly upset me. Not just this, but also your perceived dislike of me. I found myself overwhelmed and sought refuge in the library. There, I encountered your father and upon conversing with him found myself reminded of his earlier assertions. Heagreed that my agitation was due to my inherited madness and that it would be a bad idea for me to ever marry for love.”
Penelope’s eyes grew wide at this. “Poor Bridget. She did not deserve this. For, I must say, that came as a surprise to me. I know you danced together, but for you to want to court her…”
“I know that it was selfish of me. I should never have involved her and it has caused the end of your friendship. I am so sorry.”
She swallowed; the mention of Bridget had clearly upset her. He looked ahead into the dancing flames unable to comprehend that the man he looked up to as his father would do such a terrible thing as to lie to him about his fate. It made no sense. Glancing up, he looked at Penelope.
“He must have believed it. There is no way he would have ever told me something like this if he did not believe it.”
Penelope nodded. “I suppose you are right. I can’t imagine Papa ever willfully misleading you. He loved you. He loves you still, I know it. He’s always wanted to protect me, however. So, if he truly thought you a danger, then I understand why he sent you away. But why lie to me? Why tell you why he was sending you away and not me? He knew I pined for you all of these years.”
Daniel shook his head again, shivering with the cold. His clothes were still damp on his body despite the towels and heat.
“Perhaps he was afraid you would defy him.”
“We must speak to him. We cannot allow this to stand. He owes us an explanation.”
“He does. And we will get our answers.” He paused and took a step toward her. She looked up at him, her eyes wide. “Penny, I am sorry I did not tell you any of this. I should have. I cannot believe all of these years you yearned to be with me as I did you. I never stopped thinking of you and wishing we could be together.”
To his shock and delight, she reached out and wrapped her hands around his. Her soft hands were warm now from the fire. The feeling of their hands connected at last sent a rush of warmth through him.
“Daniel, I wish you had told me all of this years ago and I could have told you what I found. I could have quelled your fears as I once quelled your nightmares. I cannot tell you how much I’ve wanted to be near you, to tell you that I still love you. Because no matter how hard I tried, my feelings were always there, under the surface. But I was sure you did not want me and so I acted cold, distant. It was the only way I could protect my heart.”
He tightened his hold on her hand, wishing he’d know this. Wishing they’d confided in one another sooner. So much pain could have been avoided.
