“No,” she confirmed with a smile. “You may think me a foolish woman, but I always thought… hoped, perhaps would be a better word, that I would marry for love.” She hid her eyes underneath her long eyelashes, looking away.
“That is not a foolish wish at all,” he shook his head, carefully selecting his words, so that every time he spoke, she would be the only one able to hear him. “Everyone views marriage as something convenient, almost like a business arrangement, but it is far from it.”
“I think so, too…” she agreed. “But I also think that in some circumstances, marrying the person you love could turn out to be the most selfish thing to do.”
“Why do you say that?” he asked inquisitively.
They both barely realized that the waltz had come to an end, and with it, their conversation had to cease at exactly the most interesting bit. He wanted to hear more about her wishes because he himself was selfish. He wanted to see if there was any possibility that she could marry him instead of Percival. But saying it out right like that might appear too aggressive, too insistent. First, he had to see how she felt about it. If she had told him immediately that she wished to marry Percival, Alexander would have stepped down. He would have tried to be happy for them, and he would never even consider thinking about her in such a manner, other than her being his friend’s wife.
But that was not the case. She seemed indecisive, as if she herself was not certain which was the right course of action. He felt the same way. Perhaps that was destiny proving to them both that they needed each other to guide them.
Once he led her away from the ballroom center and more to the sides of the happenings, she stood by the curtain, and he felt as if she wished to wrap herself in it so that she were invisible to the rest of the guests. He could tell she did not wish to be there.
“I think you are the least selfish person I have ever met,” he said, hoping to continue the conversation which ended so abruptly.
She smiled. “But you barely even know me. Although we have been in each other’s lives for so many years.”
“I feel like I’ve been blind for so long,” he admitted. “But I see you for who you truly are. You are kind and benevolent, generous, and selfless. Your wish to marry the man you love is not selfishness. It is what anyone would desire.”
“Even you?” Her voice trembled at this question.
He swallowed heavily before replying. “Even me.”
“Then you can understand why I feel like my place is not next to Percival,” she finally said what he had been longing to hear all this time. “But…” He hated those buts. Yet he listened. “I stand by what I said earlier. I know that as I am now, I am a burden to you.”
“No, you are not,” he corrected her, but he could see the disbelief in her eyes. The years of their strained relationship could not be undone in a matter of several weeks.
“You are kind to say that,” she smiled again, and he felt as if the sun itself graced him with its presence on a night like this. “I have never asked for anything in my life, and I do not plan on starting now. If there is a way to secure my future without relying on anyone, then that will be my choice. Therefore, I am seriously considering accepting Percival’s offer.”
As she spoke, she glanced around, as if in search of Percival, whom Alexander had not seen since they arrived. He inhaled deeply, psychologically preparing himself for the moment that was about to fall upon them like a ton of bricks. He had not been planning on suggesting this now but hearing her having doubts regarding Percival’s offer made him adamant in at least trying to offer her another solution to their predicament.
“What if I told you that there might be another solution?” he asked.
She looked at him as if she were unaware of the storm brewing inside of him, of his heart about to create an entire mutiny against his reason.
“What do you mean?” she echoed.
He moved closer to her, both turned towards the ballroom. He could tell that there were male eyes still hissing about her, but they were all at a safe distance. They would not be overheard. And even if they were overheard, to the devil with all this prim propriety. He could barely take it any longer, always needing to pretend that he was something and someone he was not, lest he was deemed unworthy of high society. The older he got, the less he cared about the London ton and what they had to say. If he ever cared to begin with.
“You and I could get married…” he suggested, endeavoring to sound informal, while his heart thumped in his throat. She turned to him, her lips parted, but no sound followed. She seemed shocked, as if this suggestion was the last thing she expected. “It would be a marriage of convenience, of course,” he added to excuse his boldness and assure her that she would not need to sacrifice her heart to him, just her name.
He waited for her to say something, but she was stunned into silence. She looked away from him, her gaze focused somewhere in the distance, at a point he himself could not see.
“As I see it,” he continued, clearing his throat nervously, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, feeling like he was only fifteen and standing before the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, knowing well that no other lady would ever suffice, “this would suit us both. I believed that over the course of the past few weeks, you and Percival would grow fond of each other. But I do not– “
“We are not,” she cut him off, explaining, finally daring to look back at him again. “That is to say, I enjoy his company, but he is nothing more than an acquaintance. I have tried to see him as something else, something more, but persuading one’s heart into feeling emotions that were not there is a futile effort.”
Once again, Alexander’s hopes flared up. She felt nothing for Percival. Perhaps, she felt something for him? Just small affection would do. He would not dare ask for more than that.
“You suggest we get married,” she replied, as if she needed to say it aloud to actually believe it. “You and I.”
“Yes, you and I,” he nodded, feeling thrilled, terrified, and ridiculous at the same time. He never even thought that those three emotions could ever be awoken in the same situation.
“I…” she started, obviously searching for the right words, “it is just so sudden. I need to think about it for a moment. Would you please excuse me?”
With those words she took her leave of him and headed for the balcony. He followed her with his gaze, certain that he was not the only one doing so. She moved like a cloud, slow but determined, knowing that it would reach its destination no matter how languidly it was moving.
Chapter 26
