“But you must!” Louisa insisted, proffering the pistol to her. “This is why we’re doing this, to stay protected. You must practice as Hayward says.”
Phoebe sighed and glanced back to the house again. She had a feeling that if Francis were here with her now, she would feel more than happy to say yes, just to feel the way he would place his hands on her shoulders and on her hands as they held the pistol, showing her what to do and whispering close to her ear. Just the memory of it made her smile.
“Yes, you must practice. It is imperative!” Lady Dodge declared and jumped to her feet, taking Phoebe’s arm and dragging her to where Louisa stood.
“You are rather insistent, you know,” Phoebe said with a chuckle. “Rather like your brother.”
“Ha! I have been told that many times,” Lady Dodge said as she urged Phoebe to take Louisa’s place in front of the target.
“Right, my Lady, here we are,” Louisa said, passing her the pistol. “Remember what Hayward said, and shoot.”
Phoebe breathed a few times, trying to stay calm and collect herself. Yet as she lifted her hands, her fingers began to tremble.
“You’re shaking, my Lady,” Louisa said softly from where she stood at Phoebe’s shoulder. Lady Dodge was by Phoebe’s other shoulder and extended a hand to her, touching her arm in reassurance.
“All is well, my friend,” she said in a reassuring whisper.
“I know, it is just…” Phoebe trailed off, aware that the barrel of the gun was shaking more and more in her hands. As she continued to stare at the target, she was thinking why she was doing this: it was so that if it were ever needed, she could protect herself from Graham, but…could she actually ever bring herself to shoot him?
She blinked a few times at the target up ahead. In her mind’s eye, the target morphed, until it was no longer something made of white and black cloth pinned on bound straw, but it was a human instead. It was Graham and he was walking toward her, with that red hair slicked back into a tight ponytail and those eyes flaming with hatred and anger in her direction.
She couldn’t imagine what words he would say, but she could all too easily picture how he would reach out for her. He’d probably go for her neck first, pinning her to one of the trees that were behind them, blocking her in so she couldn’t make her escape, no matter how much she tried to flee him.
Her hands shook around the pistol even more.
“You can do this, my Lady,” Louisa said, encouraging her to take the shot.
“N-no, I cannot,” Phoebe found the words slipping from her mouth. She released the pistol and dropped it to the earth beneath them. Louisa hurried to pick it up as Phoebe felt the prickle of tears.
“My friend, what is it?” Lady Dodge said, taking her hand and locking their fingers together, probably in an attempt to stop the trembling.
“I do not know if I could ever really do it,” Phoebe said breathlessly. Before she was really aware of it happening, the tears had started to leak out of her eyes and trickle down her cheeks. Louisa fished in her pocket for a handkerchief and presented it to her. Phoebe rushed to dry the tears, yet fresh ones followed, making her work futile.
“You mean…shoot your husband?” Lady Dodge said. “Do not think of it in that way! This is only if the worst should ever happen. If you need to protect yourself, that way you can.”
“I know, it is just…” Phoebe trailed off, stammering through her tears. “I do not know if I could do it. Cause anyone that harm.”
“It is not about harm, my Lady. It is about defense,” Louisa said, placing a hand on Phoebe’s shoulder and urging her to look round. “Maybe sometimes life is about being bold, doing things that we never thought ourselves capable of doing.”
“Do you think?” Phoebe asked quietly.
“Oh yes,” Louisa said heartily with a firm nod. “Where would I be now if I hadn’t been bold and taken that risk to run off with you? I could still be back where I used to work withthat manbreathing down my neck.” She affected a shudder that Phoebe rather suspected was completely real.
“Being bold?” Phoebe repeated the words. “Is that all it is, do you think?”
“I think so. It’s taking a risk. It’s a gamble. But think of what the other option could be?” Louisa said as Phoebe mopped up fresh tears.
She closed her eyes for a second. In that brief second, she could have been back in her chamber with Graham’s hand at her throat and her dress being torn. The terror that ripped through her body at the idea made her eyes shoot open again.
“Would you like another go, my Lady?” Louisa said, proffering the pistol another time.
Phoebe nodded wordlessly and took the pistol. Louisa and Lady Dodge took a step back, giving her the space that she needed to take the shot. This time when she lined the pistol up with the center of the target, she managed to keep the anger at Graham’s grasp around her throat firmly in her mind.
She fired.
She closed her eyes as she made the shot and as the sound echoed around them, she opened them again to see that the bullet landed slightly off the middle of the target, but it was far from the worst shot she had ever made. Lady Dodge and Louisa promptly cheered at the accomplishment she had made as she lowered the pistol another time and mopped up fresh tears.
About being bold.She repeated these words to herself many times that afternoon as they practiced more and more with the weapons. She just had to pray that it would never come to the moment where she had to make a choice of whether to fire or not.
