“It’s okay,” I say. Despite my best efforts, a tear rolls down my cheek and there’s a hiccup in my voice.
Momma T’s eyebrows pull together, her hazel eyes scanning mine as if reading my soul. “Sweet pea, what’s wrong?”
The barrier holding back my emotions bursts. “I married the best man on the planet and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’m too broken to make a good wife, and I know this relationship wasn’t supposed to be real and he wasn’t supposed to love me. He’s going to eventually leave, just like my parents did, and like Alex did when he got married. Mateo’s not going to stick around, especially not when he has an amazing family and a job that he loves here. But I can’t help that I’m falling in love with him, and I think he might like me too, but I mean, why would he stay in California?”
I hiccup, and a sob stops my ramblings. Momma T wraps her arms around me again. Her hand strokes my hair as she gently shushes me, murmuring comforting words as I sob on her shoulder.
Eventually, I’m able to contain my crying enough to stand on my own and see through my tears, and I step out of her embrace.
“Sweet pea, that’s a lot of feelings. Let’s take you home and get you some hot cocoa, then we’ll talk about it.”
I sniff before letting out a laugh. “Momma T, it’s August. Who has hot cocoa in August?”
Her smile turns sassy, and I know I’ve seen that look before on Reina’s face. “Me, because the power of melted chocolate should not be questioned.”
I laugh again. It’s amazing how this woman makes me so comfortable that I’m bawling my eyes out one moment, then laughing the next. “I’lltake your word on that.”
She links her arm through mine as we walk toward her truck. She tilts her head and leans close like we’re conspiring together over a great secret. “I keep the windows open at night so the kitchen is chilly when I wake up. I only drink cocoa in the mornings.”
This wonderful woman’s antics lighten my heart. “That makes a lot more sense.”
We hop in the truck and Momma T starts driving. The quiet sound of the Christian rock station fills the silence between us as we make the less than five-minute trip.
She pulls in around the back of the house, parking by their small barn. I hop out and wave to Stanley, who’s out feeding a small horse they recently purchased. Reina thinks it’s because they’re predicting grandkids in the future who will want real horsey rides. Stanley blows a kiss in my direction and my heart warms, knowing that even though Alex is the one who married into this wonderful family, they’ve also brought me into their fold.
We walk in the back door, and in a process that seems so fluid it must be a habit, Momma T drops the keys on the counter, grabs an apron, and preps a cup of hot cocoa. It seems like mere seconds later that I’m sitting on the couch, a cup of cocoa in hand and tucked in with a fuzzy blanket.
Momma T sits on the other end of the couch, sipping her own mug of cocoa. “Now, sweet pea, that was a whole lotta feelings and thoughts you spilled back there. Do you want to say them all again or just let me say what I’ve been pondering since I picked you up?”
I stare down into my cup. “I’m kind of avoiding thinking about what I said.”
Her voice is chipper, and it gives me hope that maybe my life isn’t as big a mess as I feel like it is right now. “I’ll just start in at the beginning, then.”
I nod and take a sip of my cocoa before placing it on the coffee table. I wrap the blanket tighter around me, bracing myself for Momma T's wisdom, and I’m oddly excited.
Momma T reaches over, resting her hand on my arm and squeezing it lightly. “Holly, you’re an amazing woman, and Mateo is one of the best men I know. But... he’s still just a man. I watched that boy find himself and get himself into many scrapes with Reina. He is not perfect by any means. His impulsivity has decreased since adulthood, but he’ll probably still act without thinking sometimes. That’s okay. He isn’t perfect, and he’s not meant to be. Marriages never have perfect people in them. Marriages are about two imperfect people growing and becoming better together, with the help of Christ.”
“That makes sense,” I mumble. “He just seems to know how to be an adult and how to do this whole relationship thing perfectly.”
Momma T laughs. “Girl, that boy has been on so many horrible dates that I have no question he knows how to take you on a good one. He by no means is loving and caring for you perfectly. You might feel that way because he has had excellent examples of healthy relationships in his life, and had those actions modeled for him. You and your brother didn’t. You probably haven’t seen a healthy romantic relationship until Alex and Reina started dating. Even then, they’re both learning healthy boundaries.”
Her hand squeezes my arm again. “It might take more work and more effort for you to figure out this whole healthy relationship where you both love and care for each other. Because you’re learning things Mateo learned a long time ago. That is by no means your fault, and it’s not something you should be ashamed of.”
I nod and wipe an errant tear, shoving my anger at my parents to the side for now. I add my feelings to my list of topics to discuss in my next therapy session. Although talking to Momma T is basically therapy in and of itself.
Momma T grabs one of my hands, cupping it in both of hers and leaning forward, staring into my eyes intently. “Holly, I want you to listen carefully to me. We are all broken. We are all imperfect. That doesn’t mean we aren’t worth loving. You’ve been through so much in the past. You’ve been abandoned by the people who should have been there for you. You’veworked so hard and become so independent, but you don’t have to keep your walls up, and you don’t have to wear your tough girl armor all the time. You are not alone anymore. You have Alex and Reina, me and Stan, and now you have Mateo.”
Doubts creep into my heart again. “But do I have him? Our marriage isn’t real.”
Momma T just smiles, her own eyes misty and not a bit surprised at my admission. I bet Reina mentioned something, and she figured it out herself. She takes the news like a champ, acting unfazed as she leans back, an amused smile on her face. “Sweet pea, that boy has been gone for you since he met you that first time in California. Your marriage may not be real in all senses of the word, but I can assure you that boy is not going anywhere. You have him, and I would not be surprised if he’s just waiting for the right minute to tell you he loves you.”
The idea of Mateo telling me that he loves me has adrenaline racing through my body. My tears dry up and I sit in wonder. “Really?”
She squeezes my hand and pauses for a moment. Her head turns, and I follow her gaze to a painting of Christ on the wall. We both are silent for a minute, staring at the Savior who sacrificed so much for each of us.
Momma T turns back to me, her hazel eyes misty again, “Holly, I feel like you need to know that God loves you," she says, her voice achingly tender. "He has given you many talents, including your intelligence, your work ethic, and your kind and delicate heart. My heart is full, and I know it’s not just me feeling these things, but God giving me a taste of how much He loves you.”
My heart fills and overflows, overwhelmed with feelings of peace and a deep love I’ve never felt before. Tears fill my eyes and I don’t try to wipe them away.
