And yeah, maybe that’s a lie I tell myself.
But it’s also not far from the truth.
Better to hurt me than someone else.
I can take it.
But…why do I have to?
That question hits me hard, hits me hard enough that I glance down at my pancakes and don’t feel a lick of hunger.
Nope. That’s disappeared like a whiff ofsmoke.
“You gonna stare at those pancakes all day?” John asks gruffly. “Or you gonna eat before it gets cold?”
I pick up my fork and take a bite, but I barely taste it.
I still force a smile, still answer, “Delicious,” when Beth asks me if it’s good.
The waitress comes back and deposits Damon’s egg white scramble with extra veggies and John’s oatmeal in front of each of them.
But Damon doesn’t start eating.
He’s watching me, staring at me.
Seeingme.
Quickly, I drop my gaze back to my pancakes.
And I start shoveling them into my mouth even though I might as well be eating sawdust.
Eventually, I choke down enough of my meal for it to not be noticeable that my stomach is churning, smiling at all the right places as Beth and Kylie chatter, chiming in when necessary. I know I should be enjoying this, should be soaking it all in and holding it close for later.
I don’t see Beth and John enough.
This is a luxury I should revel in.
But I can’t.
God, I’m so messed up.
So broken and empty and…
Pathetic.
Luckily, I don’t have time to think about that for long because Damon slips away and takes care of the bill—before John and I can argue over who’ll pay it—and much grumbling ensues, by both John and me. Meanwhile, Beth and Kylie keep chatting through it, the lights inside them not dimmed in the least as we all pile out of the restaurant.
Then…it’s time to say goodbye.
Beth hugs me tightly enough that my lungs protest, andthen she’s stepping back, giving way to John, who draws me close and kisses me on the cheek. “Keep up the good work, kiddo.”
“I will.”
He smiles at me then turns to Damon, sticking out a hand as Beth and Kylie hug. I watch as the latter two whisper something in each other’s ears then exchange numbers while the former pair just nod brusquely at each other.
Damon steps back and holds my eyes for a long moment.
But before I can figure out a pithy reply, he turns and walks away, Kylie trailing behind him.
