“Mom, don’t cry,” I murmur, but my voice is cracked and weak. “I’m not, like, addicted or anything. I just—well, it helps,” I quietly admit. It’s the truth. It does help. It lets me forget about my history, about Dad, for a few hours.
Mom tries to say something, but her voice is muffled against Dave’s shirt and she’s still crying so hard that her words are unintelligible. She is devastated, and it’s all because of me.Iinflict this on her. I’m the one who keeps hurting her.
“Mom, breathe for a sec,” I say gently, and I slowly head across the yard toward her. She’s still huddled against Dave, but I place my hand on her shoulder, begging her to look at me. I need her to listen to me. I need her to forgive me.
But Mom only shakes my hand off her shoulder, then finally lifts her head to look at me. Through her tears, her eyes meet mine. “I said,” she whispers, “get out.”
“What?”
“Get out of this house.”
My blood runs cold again, a second punch to the gut. She’s… She’s kicking me out of the house? We’ve reached her breaking point. I’vefinally pushed her too far. She can’t handle me anymore, and if only I had been better, if only I had tried harder, then it would have never come to this. My heart is breaking into a million pieces, cutting through my chest. “Are you serious?”
Mom removes herself from Dave’s embrace and turns to face me. She is heartbroken. “Tyler, please,” she says, but her eyes well up all over again and a new wave of tears flow down her rosy cheeks. It pains me to see Mom cry, and it hurts even more knowing that I’m the reason why. “Just leave. I can’t handle this anymore.”
I am stunned into silence. Dave draws Mom back to him again, holding her tightly, offering her the support she needs. My gaze travels to Eden. She is still watching everything unfold in front of her and her plump lips are parted wide, her eyes even wider. Does she hate me now? Am I losing her too?
I’m so sorry. I’ve ruined everything. I’ve let everyone down.
I can’t look at anyone. My shame is too much. That’s why I keep my head down as I admit defeat, as I shove my hands anxiously into my pockets and force my frozen limbs to move. I brush past Mom and Dave as I head inside the house, and I am praying with everything in me that Mom will say my name, call me back and tell me that she didn’t mean it. That I don’t have to leave. That she still loves me despite how many mistakes I’ve made.
But she doesn’t say anything at all. This is really it.
There is bile rising in my stomach as I cross the kitchen, and I feel lightheaded. I can’t process any of this. I’m… I’m a fucking drug dealer who has just become homeless and whose girlfriend is pregnant. I am officially at rock bottom. I can’t handle this. I don’t know how to. I’m so lost. How am I supposed to fix all of this now? How am I going to ever recover from this?
I break into a sprint down the hall and upstairs, but I can hear footsteps behind me. I already know that it’s Eden without even glancing over my shoulder. She’s the only person whowouldfollow me right now, but I wish she wouldn’t. I don’t know what to say to her. What answers to give.
Jamie and Chase are at the top of the stairs, staring wide-eyed back at me as I push past them. Have they been listening? Have I let them down too? I can’t even face my brothers. I want to hide from the world, to completely disappear. If only it were that easy.
Eden follows me into my room, and I close the door behind us. I like that she’s here. It gives me hope thatmaybeshe still believes in me. I know she’ll be disappointed though, so I can’t look at her right now either. I am too distracted by the fact that Mom needs me to leave this house. That I’m no longer welcome to live under this roof.
I grab my duffel bag from my closet and stuff it with the first clothes that come to hand. I can’t even think straight. Everything feels so numb as I fumble around my closet for shirts. Am I leaving for good? Will Mom ever let me come back? I just don’t know. I pack the bag with as many clothes as I can until it’s completely full, just in case.
“Where are you going to go?” I hear Eden’s husky voice cut through the silence. It’s laced with worry, and as I slide the strap of my bag onto my shoulder, I finally glance up. My terrified gaze meets hers. She looks as sick as I feel; even she knows that I’ve ruined everything. My guilt returns, so I look away again. If I look at her for too long, I think I’ll break down, and I am trying so hard not to.
“I have no idea,” I say, but my throat is so dry. There’s so many thoughts racing through my head as I head into my bathroom. Where am I supposed to go? I’m just a kid. I don’t know how to deal with all of this. It’s too much. “Dean’s. Maybe. I don’t know. My head’s a mess.”
There’s a brief silence, and then from behind me, Eden’s quiet voice asks, “You’ve started dealing?”
Now isn’t the time for lying. She needs the truth, but it’s so hard to admit it. I grip the sink with both hands and release the breath I’m holding. My back is still to her, and I keep my head down, my eyes on the floor. “Only recently.”
“Why?” she asks. Her voice is so low, so quiet. It’s a simple question, but it holds the weight of the world. I don’t even know what the answer really is.
“It’s easy to…to get wrapped up in it all,” I admit. I don’t know how I can still speak at this point. My head is pounding, my stomach is in knots, my hands are beginning to tremble. “Tiffani’s so mad. She’ll probably try to report me; I just know it.”
“I can’t believe she’s…” Eden murmurs, but even she can’t say the word.
“Me either,” I say as I reach up to open the cabinet above me, but then the reality of the situation hits me at full force.
Tiffani ispregnant. I can’t… I can’t be a dad. I’m only seventeen. I’m not in a healthy mental state. Dad became a father at seventeen, and look how that turned out. I can’t be him. I can’t do this. At least Mom and Dad actually loved each other. Tiffani and I are toxic.
I’m going to throw up. Quickly, I spin around and bend over the toilet, heaving. I’m grabbing the wall for support, my stomach burning, but yet nothing comes up. “Fuck,” I breathe.
“I don’t know what to say, Tyler,” Eden admits as she moves closer to me. She soothingly rubs my back as I remain huddled over the toilet, breathing deeply. “Where does this leave us?”
“What?”
“Us,” she says again, and I sense her swallow. When she speaks again,her tone has grown cautious, like she is treading deep water. “What’s going to happen with us? You and Tiffani?”
