They argue back and forth for a few minutes, but I can’t focus because Tiffani is running her hand from my knee up to my thigh under the table. A lump is rising in my throat as she scoots her chaircloser to me and brushes her fingertips up and down my arm, creating goose bumps. I lock my eyes on the table, paralyzed. I wish she would stop touching me. I’m pretty certain the only reason she’s doing this is because we have company. This is her way of letting our friends know that everything is totally fine between her and me, even though it’s not. Suddenly, she grabs my jaw and leans in to kiss me, but I just can’t do it, not right here, not while Eden is right in front of us. Before Tiffani’s lips can meet mine, I jerk my head to one side and her mouth lands on my cheek instead. I expect her to get mad at me, but she only leans her body against mine and continues to touch me.
“Eden,” I hear Rachael say, her pitch high and her tone teasing, “you and Jake should go for a walk or something. Off you go, lovebirds.”
What the fuck? My eyes flash up from the floor, and I look at Eden for the first time. Tiffani is drawing patterns on my neck with her finger, but I can’t even focus on that right now, because all I can do is stare at Eden. She looks uncomfortable with all of the attention suddenly on her, and I’m wondering what Rachael is even talking about. Has Eden still been seeing Jake? I don’t think so. He said himself that he hasn’t seen her in a while.
Jake gets to his feet and shoves his hands into his pockets, waiting for her. “Eden?”
And to my complete disbelief, she actually gets up. She doesn’t quite look at me as she does, and as she walks around the table to meet Jake, she mumbles, “We won’t be long.”
I stare after the two of them as they walk away, disappearing out of sight down an escalator. My teeth are grinding so hard together that my jaw aches, and now Tiffani is biting at my earlobe, her hand on my chest.
“Okay, no offense,” Rachael says loudly, wrinkling her nose at us, “but please stop.”
Tiffani laughs, then finally presses her lips to mine. This time, I do kiss her back.
•••
That night, I can’t sleep. It’s nothing new to me. Often there are nights where my mind is in such an overdrive that I just can’t relax enough to get any sleep. I lie awake for hours, listening to the soft purring of the air-conditioning throughout the house, staring up at my ceiling through the darkness of my room. I can’t stop thinking about Tiffani, about Mom, about Jamie, but mostly I’m thinking about Eden. By 3:00 a.m., I’ve had enough. I have been tossing and turning for too long, so I throw back my comforter and leave my bed.
Slowly, I creep out of my room and into the hall, and as silently as ever, I open Eden’s bedroom door a few inches. I peer through the darkness, but I can’t see anything, so I open the door fully and step into her room. As my eyes adjust, I close the door again behind me and whisper, “Are you awake?”
I can see Eden coming into focus, wrapped up in bed, facing her wall. She doesn’t stir, so I figure that she’s asleep, but then suddenly I hear her murmur, “Yeah. What time is it?” Her tone is the huskiest I have ever heard it, and there is no chance that I will ever sleep now after hearing that.
“Three,” I tell her, my voice still low. Carefully, I move across her room, reaching for her comforter and crawling into her bed. “Can I sleep with you?” I ask. Her bed is warm and I’m sure she is warmer, but I keep several inches between our bodies. “I mean, not like hook up with you, just fall asleep, you know, like, rest.”
“I know what you meant,” Eden says. It sounds like she is smiling. I don’t exactly think straight when I’m tired.
I stare at her ceiling now for a while, basking in the warmth and breathing deeply. I can hear her breathing too, and I finally muster up the courage to roll over toward her, gently pressing my body against hers. I bury my face into the back of her shoulder, squeezing my eyes shut. She is so warm, so comforting.
“I’m sorry about Tiffani,” I whisper as I wind my fingers into her hair, holding her close to me. I wish she would turn around. I wish I could see the glistening of her eyes.
“You should be,” she mumbles.
“Just let me figure it out,” I say. I am begging her to give me a chance, to give me the time to think about all of my options when it comes to handling the situation that we’re in. I want the result to be her, but I don’t quite know how to do that yet. “I’m trying to figure everything out.”
“Like what?”
“Eden, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m pretty fucked up,” I say. I pull away from her, rolling over to face her door, burying my head into the pillows on her bed. I feel her shift too, finally rolling away from the wall and turning toward me now instead.
“I wouldn’t say that,” she murmurs. She presses her hand to my shoulder blade and traces a pattern on my skin. I think she is touching my tattoo. “More like lost.”
“Lost?” I echo. I’m a mess and my life is in ruins, but am I reallylost?
“Yeah. I think you’re lost,” she says. She is still half asleep, her voice still low and raspy.
“What makes you think that?”
She runs her finger all the way down my spine, sending shivers throughout my body, and she moves closer, her body against my bare back. She presses her face into my shoulder and throws her arm overme, getting comfortable. “Because you have no idea what you’re doing or where you’re going,” she whispers.
I am silent for a long time. She’s right. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I definitely don’t know where I’m going, so maybe I am lost. I stare at her door, feeling her heart beating slowly against my back, and I reach for her hand and intertwine our fingers. “Eden?” I whisper, but she is already asleep again.
51
Five Years Earlier
I walk for what feels like forever, but it is really only twenty minutes. I trudge along, a backpack slung over my shoulders and only seventeen dollars to my name. I snuck into Mom and Dad’s bedroom and stole all the loose change I could find in the pockets of Dad’s jeans. It’s enough to catch a bus out of Santa Monica. I don’t know where to yet, but I won’t be picky.
I need to get to the promenade first. I know there are buses that leave from downtown, but it’s miles away, and the sun is slowly beginning to set. There is no turning back now though. I’ve already snuck out of the house, so if I do return home, I’ll be in a lot more trouble than I already am.
