Jaxon doesn’t shy away, though. He sits there in the cooling shower, maintaining those slow circles.
A few times, his breathing changes, as if he’s about to say something, but he doesn’t. He just sits there with me, offering silent comfort as I cry.
Finally, I take a deep breath, my tears running out. “It’s a losing game. I’m broken.”
“I don’t believe that for a second, Iz. I’m not a doctor, but it feels like your body is doing what it’s supposed to. We’ll get there.”
“How?”
“I know you get uncomfortable when I talk about researching this, but I have been. And, based on everything I’ve heard and the sex therapist we reached out to, women’s orgasms are highly correlated with psychological factors. How they feel about themselves, how they view sex overall, their willingness to release their inhibitions and control. They all contribute to women’s orgasms.”
Great. So not only do I need to work on my body issues and my societally ingrained views on sex, but I also need to become a Natasha Bedingfield song. And Jaxon talked to a sex therapist about me. I’m not sure if I’m embarrassed or grateful. Both, I suppose.
“Well, that sounds easy enough,” I say sarcastically.
“Iz,” Jaxon says, kissing my forehead, even though he knows he’s not supposed to. “You’re almost there. You’re smart, funny, and the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, so confidence isn’t an issue. You devised a plan to get yourself what you wanted sexually, so you’ve got control. You just have to be willing togive upthat control.”
Jaxon has a very different view of me than I have of myself, but arguing about whether or not I’m confident or in control feels counterproductive. And I’m too tired to argue. Instead, I ask, “And do you have any ideas how I do that?”
“I get you to trust me.”
I tilt my head to look at him. “I don’t not trust you.”
It’s the best I can do right now. I trust him to keep our secret. I trust him to be the guy who gives me an orgasm. I might even trust him enough to call him my friend right now. But I’m not sure I trust him enough to protect my heart.
“I know, Iz. I get it. I do,” he replies. “But I believe we’re going to get there.”
I tuck my face back into my knees. “So you can uphold your end of the bargain?”
Jaxon tugs lightly on my chin until I look him in the eyes again. “So I can earn back what I lost fifteen years ago.”
The soft look in his eyes, the regret there, tells me he means it.
“So what do we do now?” I ask.
“I carry you to my bed and cuddle with you until I fall asleep.”
It sounds like a terrible plan. It also sounds like the best plan I’ve ever heard.
And since I’m too emotionally tired to make any choices, I nod.
He wraps me in a plush towel and lifts me into his arms before carrying me to his bed. I snuggle down into the luxurious cocoon that is his sheets and smile when he crawls in behind me, pulling me tight against him.
“Goodnight, Jax,” I mumble.
“Goodnight, Iz. We’ll get there next time.”
And for the first time, it feels like maybe we will.
It also feels like I just might be starting to fall for this man.
Luckily, I know it’s fake.
Chapter thirty-two
Izzy
I’mpacinginJaxon’sguest room, going over everything with Becca for the meeting today one last time.
