Jaxon chuckles darkly. “Kelsey might be to blame for that too.”
“Wha-what do you mean?” A blackness is rising in my chest, and it takes all my self-control not to let it out.
Jaxon’s chuckle turns brighter as he glances at me. “You should see your face. Fuck, man. I obviously don’t like Kelsey like that.”
Dropping my head into my hands, I laugh at myself. “Right.”
“She just reminds me of who I used to be, and apparently, that guy isn’t interested in sleeping around.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah, it’s really fucking inconvenient. I used to have fun, Carter.Fun. Now it feels like I can barely remember what the word means if I’m not up on stage.”
“And Kelsey is to blame for that?”
“Partially, I guess. I think you two being around just reminds me of Wild Bluffs.”
I nod in understanding, pleased it’s not actually about Kelsey herself, before realizing I don’t actually understand. “Wait. Why does Wild Bluffs make it so you can’t sleep around?”
“It’s complicated,” Jaxon says with a sigh.
“I’m prettysmart.”
Clearly undecided on if he should tell me or not, Jaxon takes a long pull from his drink before saying, “I brought a woman back with me after the first show in Vancouver, ready to continue my normal pattern—the adrenaline from shows, it’s fucking brutal—and as I was, well, helping her out of her clothes, I swear Izzy popped into the room with me. She was lounging in the chair in the corner of the room, her fucking legs draped over the padded arm as she gave her unfiltered opinion on my performance. Do you know how hard it is to fuck another woman when Izzy’s laugh is flowing through your head?”
“No. Thank God.”
“Yeah, well, I’d like it to go away, and it’s happened every time I brought a woman back to my room this tour.”
Thinking back to the beginning of our conversation and his comment about who he used to be, I ask, “And you think Izzy is the embodiment of past you? You don’t think it’s maybe about…her?”
“No.” Jaxon cuts me off. “I think it has to be about her representing who I was when I first started playing music. I always swore to myself I wouldn’t be the typical rock star, getting drunk or high or both all day every day, and sleeping with all the groupies.”
“You don’t do those things,” I remind him.
“Tell that to Izzy.”
I lean back against the cushion behind me. “Maybe you should tell that to Izzy. The imaginary one or the real one—dealer’s choice.”
Jaxon glares at me over the rim of his drink. “No. The stage of my life where I tell Izzy every little detail about my life is long gone. I just need her to leave me alone.”
I shrug. “Okay.” If he wants to continue to be haunted by the specter of his very much alive former best friend, that’s his prerogative. “Though it might help. And I bet Izzy would like to hear from you.”
I actually don’t know that. I know things are weird between them since he jumped town all those years ago, but I can’t imagine she wouldn’t want to see the guy she was best friends with for so many years. And Kelsey likes Jaxon. If he’d done anything too terrible, she’d still hate him on her sister’s behalf.
Jaxon shakes his head as if forcing some thought out. “Anyway, we were talking about you and Kelsey.”
“I don’t know what else to say,” I respond. “I want her, and it’s seeming more and more like she doesn’t want me. At least, she doesn’t want me for anything more than the occasional night here and there.”
“But you’re still going to take the occasional night because it’s better than the alternative?” Jaxon asks, a knowing smile crossing his face.
“I’ll take anything she’s willing to give me.”
And I would. I don’t want to be just the guy she’s sleeping around with when she needs a good lay, but Iwillbe that guy if the alternative is going back to being nothing. I know I said I wouldn’t, that I was only interested if it was something more than one night, but it turns out I was wrong. Now that I know what it feels like to be with Kelsey, I can’t give her up. All of my eighteen-year-old fantasies are coming true, and it turns out reality is so much better.
“Not to be that guy, but why wouldn’t she want to date you? Is she anti-marriage or something?”
I sigh. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I’m sure it comes back to her ex. Even as a teenager, Kelsey was remarkably independent, never relying on anyone else for help, and after I heard about what happened with her first company, it makes sense that she would be slow to trust. Though the thought has slithered into my mind occasionally that it might just be me she doesn’t trust, especially with Jaxon’s long-term protection contract hanging in the balance.
