“Yes.”
“I can do it again.”
“Please don’t.”
“The important thing is you didn’t try to slit my throat when you woke up. You were barely angry with me.”
“What good would it do to be angry at you for defending yourself from…” He pointed his hands at himself.
“That means, on some level you want to get better. You understand what we’re doing here and want to succeed.”
“Or I just feel disgusting for throwing myself at you.”
She moistened her lips. “You’re not disgusting,” she said. “You have a problem and we’re fixing it. That’s all. You won’t hurt me.”
A storm moved in behind Jason’s eyes, the color of his irises flashing from green to amber. He clung to the railing behind him with a white-knuckled death grip as if it were the only thing keeping him from attacking her. The darkness was back. He was a predator again.
“You don’t know what you do to me. Even now, I want to slide inside you, Selene. I want to feel the heat of your skin on my tongue. I want to run my hand up the inside of your thigh.” He looked her straight in the eye, and he seemed taller than a moment before. The intensity of his stare made her shiver. “Don’t tell me it’s okay. Tell me you understand the risks of being here and that you forgive me for wanting you.”
Chest tight, Selene held his gaze. She hoped the mild breeze masked her arousal as the images he painted in her brain quickened her breath. “I… I forgive you,” she said. “And I know it could happen again… but I don’t think it will. You can control this. What I’m teaching you today will help.”
For a long time, he simply stared at her, breathing. Slowly, his amber eyes turned green again. He lowered himself to the mat, crossed his legs, and straightened his spine.
“Close your eyes,” she said quietly. He did.
With a deep, cleansing breath, Selene centered herself. “Let’s try again.”
This time Jason got it right. The space beside her grew quiet and cool. His fidgeting stopped. Her ears lost the thump of his racing heart. But he’d need help to go deeper, to that place of healing she knew he must go. That’s where she came in.
Closing her eyes, she threaded her fingers into his, ignoring the way the touch of his hand sent a warm current of heat up her arm. He must have felt it too because his body stiffened. She began her mantra.
Meditation was a grounding force in Selene’s life, a way of centering herself that had saved her from the shame of being homeless and the shame of all the things she’d done to survive. It had helped her transition into the order and strengthened her mind. Desperately, she wanted to give Jason this tool to ease the suffering she’d seen in him. She reached out from her center, psychically surrounded him, and lowered him into that space between sleep and awake.
In that wide-open consciousness, color, emotion, and pure mindfulness were all that existed. The muddy-green color of his aura became palpable, clouding the pale blue of her own. Jason’s aura was dark, but at the heart of it, a spark of bright green burned, crystal clear and lit from within. This was what she was trying to save. This was Jason. The real Jason.
She gripped his hand tighter, her bright blue light coming to rest next to his bright green one. And that’s where she stayed. There was nothing sexual about the encounter, but there could be nothing more intimate. Her soul rested with his in a place beyond time or space. They revolved around each other, two stars orbiting, held in the other’s gravitational pull.
When it was time to kick off the bottom and float back to the real world, Selene had to do the kicking. She’d practiced this. It would take Jason time to learn to go this deep and know when it was time to come back to reality.
A deep breath drew into her lungs as she broke the surface. But when she turned to check on Jason, her breath hitched in her throat. His face was serene, all the fear, longing, and bitterness his body had held only moments ago replaced by a deep peace. He’d even stopped sweating.
She opened her hand, releasing his fingers. No tremors. No pain. No wanting. The muscles of his jaw were relaxed. She almost hated to bring him out of it, but the beneficial effects would diminish if he stayed where he was. Softly, she whispered his name, “Jason.”
He was safe.Safe and warm and cared for. There was no endless wanting, no bottomless pit of shame or ache of need. And the source of this serenity was in his hand, nestled between his fingers. Then it was gone.
Desperate to return to that place of peace, he tried to reach for the hand again. But she denied him. He opened his eyes. There was an angel hovering over him, a bright blue angel with the sunrise spilling through a curtain of her hair like liquid gold. For a moment, he lost himself in the connection they shared. Pure light poured into his heart and filled him. He wasn’t alone.
“Welcome back,” the angel said. Selene. Her name was Selene.
And then the blue faded and his hands began to shake again. His mouth went as dry as a stone. A muscle in his leg cramped to the point of pain, and a hardcore throb began between his temples as if a little man was building a railroad between his eyes.
“I need a drink.”
“How about an aspirin?” She held out her hand to help him up.
The corner of his mouth lifted and he shook his head. “I think I’d better get up on my own.” He avoided her touch as he stood.
She sighed and let him go.
