No, of course she’s not here. I’m being ridiculous. She’s long gone. And she won’t come back. The sooner I can accept that, the better.
Sure enough, the ship is empty except for her mug and some other small things that are hers. As if she does actually intend to return.
But I also can’t sit and look at the empty clearing, at the things she made, and at the place that was her home for years.
I lift Aker’iz out of her playpen and carry her with me to the beach. “We don’t need to clean you, but the ocean is nice to look at.”
She gurgles contentedly as we walk along the sand. Some of Dorie’s footprints are still here, small and close together. I see the many spots where we Mated, although it seems far too wonderful a thing for that crude word.
“We loved,” I mutter. “Welovedeach other there.”
We walk slowly along the dry sand. The sun beats down on us, so I take out thebonnetthat Dorie made and put it on Aker’iz’s little head. It makes the baby look even cuter.
“It was nice to have a woman here,” I say to my baby. “She knows what girls like. I only know what boys like. Well, soon you can tell me. I think you will enjoy talking. I never knew a baby to babble as much as you.”
“Bababa,” she replies cheerfully, proving my point.
“It might be harder to grow up with only one man,” I ponder. “Only your father. No tribesmen, no boys. No girls. No women.”
What if Dorie is right, and the Borok tribe is, in fact, as unusual as she says? Is that a tribe I’d want to live in?
The idea repulses me. Another tribe. Other-striped men. A different totem pole. Other customs. A different village that I don’t know perfectly because I didn’t grow up there. A different turf. Different rules.
“No, that’s not for me. But… it might be for you.” It’s a painful thing to say. But if there are other baby girls in the Borok tribes, then maybe Aker’iz will enjoy it. I made friends among the boys my own age. I played with them every day. Friends I will never see again. Perhaps I should not deny my baby the chance to make friends of her own. To grow up in a tribe.
“What if they don’t like us?” I ponder. “I must be absolutely sure that they will accept us, as Dorie said.”
Aker’iz grabs at my chin with her tiny fingers, as if trying to pull my thoughts back to her. It works for a moment. I kiss her knuckles and breathe in slowly, letting the ocean wind cool the heat behind my eyes.
“They should accept us,” I murmur, though the uncertainty feels like a stone in my throat. “Butshouldis for stories. And this is not a story. This is real, and dangerous, and full of things that do not care what should happen.”
The surf hisses softly as it pulls back, leaving thin trails in the sand. I follow the movement with my eyes, feeling the rhythm like a heartbeat. It’s calming. And it only reminds me ofher.
I crouch so Aker’iz can pat the wet sand with her open palm. She squeals in delight.
“I want to give you everything. I want to protect you from everything. And I don’t know if I can do either without Dorie.”
My throat works around words I don’t want to say. “This place with the ship is safe. But is that enough?”
Aker’iz pats my cheek with a sandy hand, as if scolding me for doubting myself. “Da-da-da,” she insists in a cheerful tone. As if the jungle is simple, and I am enough.
It almost makes me smile.
“The jungle is dark,” I state, looking up to check for irox. “Too dark to walk blindly into.” My jaw tightens. “So I will not. I will find the truth of the Borok tribe. I will know what kind of men they are. And if they are good, then perhaps they will become your people.”
A painful thought strikes me. She might become theirs, too. More theirs than mine.
Just like Dorie.
22
–Theodora–
The second day is harder than the first. I don’t have an appetite, and I don’t drink much. The going is much tougher than I thought. I’ve never walked in the jungle for hours and hours before, and it doesn’t get any easier. It’s hot and clammy and smelly, and there’s never an obvious way to go. I keep having to make decisions. Do I go on the left side of that tree, or the right? Will there be a dense bush that forces me to go around it, or a big boulder? And which way am I facing now? Where is the sunrise?
At the same time, I have to be on my guard for dangers. Is that bush moving? Is there something hiding behind that tree? Is there something waiting in the treetops, ready to jump on me like the drok dropped down on Kenz’ox?
It’s exhausting like nothing else I’ve done, both for my body and my mind.
