But that actually gave me the perfect way to finish our discussion. I found him brushing Loki by the natural horses that the Oliverias had on the property.
“I’m sorry and I will apologize better later, but right now isn’t the time, Bevin,” he said tightly when he realized I was there.
“I was mad at you,” I admitted. “Maybe I still am.”
His next swipe with the brush was too rough and Loki booped Link on the head in annoyance. “I don’t blame you. I deserve your anger, but I hope no matter what, you know I’m always on your side and—”
“You won’t be this time and that made me angry. Made me feel really alone in all of this,” I admitted, glad when he seemed more confused than upset when he turned around and looked at me. “What happened with the council isn’t your fault, Link.I’mthe one who started it all for help. To protectmyselfagainst Charles. It was all—I kicked the can or whatever.”
He growled and whipped the brush against the stable wall. “It’s notyour faultfor trying to do good, Bevin! It’stheirs. It’s those assholes and—”
“You work for them, believed in them,” I breathed, realizing Rita had gotten it so,sowrong.
“I believed in them. Completely,” he whispered, blinking back tears before turning away. “Please don’t tell my aunt and uncle. They’re carrying too much.”
I sat with that a moment. “Fine, but we’re going to—you can’t shut me out of this either, Link. This is too much for you to handle alone just like you don’t let me drown.”
“Okay,” he agreed after a few moments. “Yes, it’s what you thought too, but I-I had other options. I had a lot of them. Your grandfather was the one who kept reminding me that the council needed me more than I needed them. I believed him that putting my faith in the council wasn’t just about my uncle and that faith wouldn’t be misplaced.”
“But he was wrong,” I accepted.
“And I’m fucking pissed at him which isn’t fair at all.”
I burst out laughing, glad when Link sighed and bobbed his head before turning back around again. He had himself in check, but I saw the redness of his eyes, the signs he’d shed tears. Everything was such a mess and not just for me.
“I was mad at you because you’re going to put yourself first this time and I get it, but I trust you most to do this with and we could help so many and I’m tired of feeling so alone in that,” I told him gently.
“Yeah, I’m going to needallthe context with that, Bev,” he grumbled.
So I told him. I told him how amazing the session between Tracey and Taylor was, way beyond what I’d thought. How there was worlds of potential, and if I could get someone as the example and with such a strong bond to help me in sessions, even shield me in some ways because two on the same side against some of the problems, that would be amazing.
Especially when I was one who didn’t do well with conflict or push back much.
Then I admitted that I knew he wouldn’t ever do it because of his position and how vulnerable you have to be to do that kind of session. It wouldn’t make sense for him, and he liked being a colder shield that played everything close to his chest. It wouldn’t work for him.
I knew that.
Iknew that.
But I was angry at him because of it. I would feel safe with him. He was the perfect example because he’d put in the work on his own, but we’d done a lot together and so fast. Like he was my rockstar pupil and I almost felt like he owed me to help others with that, and then I felt shitty because he didn’t owe me anything.
“You’re not being a brat or petty feeling that,” he said gently. “And I get it. You didn’t ask for anything in return for the help you gave me—well helping Kelton, but I would have done that anyways. You basically wanted the council on your side and to pull their heads out of their asses.
“You never askedmefor anything. Which was amazing, but instead you got shit on because you did such a good job with me. And now you see this way that I can help you almost to like make up for that even if it wasn’t my fault and you know I won’t do it, so it pisses you off. I get it, Bev. Totally normal response especially when you realize it’s not fair.”
“Glad you can see all of that and understand it. Fucking confusing from where I sit,” I bitched. I let out a heavy breath and scrubbed my hands over my face. We talked about it a bit more and sat down. “Thanks for not being down on me about it and understanding. I couldn’t like wrap my head around it with everything else and then worry about Tracey—you really think she’s fine?”
He chuckled deeply and almost seemed like he was blushing. “Yeah, I think she’s fine.”
“But her wrists and…” I hedged.
“Yeah, happens. Totally happens.” He cleared his throat.
“Really?” I pushed. “I mean, that seems like she was—how?”
“I don’t think I’m the person to explain this to you, Bev,” he mumbled as he scrubbed his hand over his head.
“Why not? I mean—”
