She reached out like she was going to touch my hair but then dropped her hand.
“Sorry,” I whispered.
“You don’t have a damn thing to apologize for, Bev. You are the most beautiful mountain none of us can become and that took weathering for you to get there. It tookpainto achieve that state. I hope this helps you see the beauty in your journey instead of apologizing that you were hurt by others.”
I wasn’t sure what to say, so instead I flipped through the songs. At first I frowned, all of them at least ten years old—nothing new.
Then it hit me. This wasn’t some random playlist or one she created for me.
It was hers. This was a playlist Tracey had used to help her. I swallowed loudly and met her gaze.
She nodded, confirming what I’d figured out without saying it. “I went through a lot of dark times losing my parents. It was Henry who helped me find the way for me to process and get past the storms before I imploded.” She sniffled and wiped her eyes.
“Thank you, Sister,” I whispered. “I appreciate you not only wanting to help me, but sharing this piece of you with me.”
“I’m so glad we can now,” she rasped. “Keke helped me see that I was traumatized by you being locked in there and unable to help. That I needed to heal and accept I didn’t fail you, but it just wasn’t within my abilities. Forgive myself for that. I thought of that playlist and listened but then realized it would help you more than me right now. I need another way.”
“You could always come running with me,” I offered to lighten the mood. Sure enough, she snorted loudly.
Tracey was a lot of things… A runner wasn’t one of them. She was a thirty minutes on the elliptical or treadmill walking on an incline woman.
“Don’t worry about me, Bev,” she said gently. “I got this, and—we need to learn from what happened with Kelton. We can’t help each other on this one, okay? We went through differentthings and—what you just went through was more important. I’m going to talk to Jean about going to see Henry even.”
She sighed and explained that she thought maybe she needed to say goodbye and chew him out too. Yes, he wasn’t supposed to die—of course he wasn’t—but he should have been smarter and not have set her up to fail. She was still furious with herself about what my former attorney Ramon pulled among other things.
She got choked up at the end and begged me to hang on so she could keep her promise to Henry even if she was pissed at him. It hurt my heart and I was pissed at Grandfather all over again.
While desperately missing him.
Wasn’t that just super complicated?
I told her whatever she needed. I just couldn’t be part of it with Jean, and Jean would want a lot for that favor, probably more than we would be willing to give. Tracey was confident, so I figured she knew something she wasn’t going to burden me with.
Fair enough. I had too much already, and I didn’t want to know more.
I wanted less, so I thanked her for sharing her playlist and iPod even if it made me want to chuckle. Sure, I could use one for the first time if that was what it took to get to know her better.
And if it helped me? Even better.
We rejoined the others and I hid her treasure in my bag so it was safe. I was worried when Gloria, Robin, Carmen, and Kate were there checking everything out. I was too raw to deal with another outburst and grilling session from them.
But apparently, someone had walked them through enough that they were fine hearing the whole story another day. All they wanted to know were the rules from my mouth so they didn’t hurt anything or disrespect my home.
I sniffled and quickly wiped my eyes. “Thanks, guys.”
“We were jerks, but we’re really not normally,” Kate promised me. “I…” She sighed and looked at Gloria.
“The shock wasn’t just shock but like we thought we were such losers that others knew aboutnormalplaces to harvest and charge up and we were so out of the loop, so behind that we panicked,” Gloria explained. “Like clawing panic that we were living dangerously and guppies and in trouble and we shouldn’t be that much in the dark at our age.”
That made alotmore sense.
“Or if it was because you came from a top-tier family and some of it was misplaced outrage how unfair life could be too,” Robin admitted, looking mortified.
Yeah, fair enough.
I took it all in as they set down their stuff plus put the drinks they brought in the coolers and set the veggie tray by the food. I thanked them and smiled at how nice it was. They didn’t have money, but it was clear they wanted to contribute. It was homemade, not store-bought, so they’d done it together in the dorm kitchen.
I thought that was great.
