“Maybe, or you could become roadkill as she uses you like a chess piece to control Bev,” Tracey said firmly. “You think that’s worth the risk given what’s already happened?”
I was really,reallyglad Tracey had walked into this.
My phone buzzed and saved me from the rest of this. I turned and gave Tracey a grateful look and excused myself. I saw it was from Clare and opened it, frowning at first but then excited. She was in the library and starting to map everything out for me.
I decided it would be easier to do this on one of Tracey’s monitors for work instead of my phone and went to her study. Plugging in my phone, I saved the pictures coming in on the desktop and started there. Instantly, I recognized books and realized it might be easier to just FaceTime Clare and she could take pictures of the books’ faces instead?
Maybe?
I put in my earbuds and connected to her.
“I realized the same,” she said in way of greeting, the camera facing books instead of her. She went back to the beginning and I directed her to exactly what I wanted, excited as she quickly pulled several out and took pictures of the covers so I could acquire them now. Or at least have a real list for Mrs. Reid instead of always promising that I did know things.
Even for Wyatt. It was beyond frustrating to always know that I was better educated than I seemed, but it was just because I hadn’t had the basics in practice. And I felt the fool because of thatandI never had the proof.
“Clare, don’t bother with that section,” Grandmother said in the background. “I told you those are all advanced books. There is no chance Bevin would understand them.”
“I would think everyone in this family should have learned some humility about her,” Clare replied coldly. “I don’t thinkanyof us should be saying much about what we know of the other given how many secrets and lies we were all keeping and telling, so I would appreciate if you took this clean slate seriously instead of tearing her down in front of me.”
Wow. I appreciated the support and Grandmother seemed taken aback… But it affected me. Hearing Grandmother and that attitude of hers towards me.
She didn’t see me as a grandchild still. She might have had a moment of softness towards me—for lack of a better word—because I’d saved Clare who she actually loved, but I would forever be the failed sacrifice.
The Shaw disaster. Not one of them.
Grandmother toned it back, but there were several more comments that were milder but just as cutting. Clare snapped and so did I.
Except she did verbally and I did internally.
I ended the call and sent a message thanking her, that it was a great start, but clearly we needed to continue without Grandmother to be productive. That I was sorry I intruded on their time.
And then suddenly I was racing down the path to the lake.
Likeracingas if someone was chasing me.
Weren’t they? Just not physically.
Could the past chase someone?
Yes. Abso-fucking-lutely yes, and it wasn’t a bad instinct to just run.
I wiped my eyes when I accepted that and ran safer, watching the path and careful not to trip. Everything was really such a mess. Rita wanted to save someone who was a monster in my life. Clare wanted to save her relationship with the other one.
And I still ached to burn the Shaw house to the ground.
With some of those people I saw today in it.
So no, I wasn’t a good person. I was actually a lot more like a Shaw than Grandmother would ever have guessed or thought.
I reached the lake too fast for where my head was and without thinking, I let out a wordless scream. I didn’t even know for what or exactly why, but I felt it so deeply that I just wanted it out of me.
Like I wished I could get the hurt out of me instead of always carrying so much of it. Was that really too much to ask? Could things never really get better?
“You’re going to be okay, little sexy,” Winter said from behind me.
I spun around so fast that I lost my footing. Luckily, he had great reflexes and caught me before I was a cliché klutz and landed in the lake or at least on the muddy bank.
I didn’t even blink and I was staring up into his pretty ice-blue eyes. “I just want to be better. I don’t want to be this broken. I don’t want to keep letting them hurt me when I hate them.”
