There was no nice way to finish that sentence and I appreciated her not trying to. But I also understood her confusion.
I lowered my hands and let her see the tears. “He kept so much from me, Clare. Did he even love me or was it just ourworldnot ending because his son was evil? I-I wasn’t lying when it wasn’t me over you, but…” I let out a shaky breath. “I thought I had one person who loved me which was enough even if I lost him. But it was all lies and—”
“It wasn’t,” she whispered. “I know you’re angry. I am at him too still because I loved him so much and he just left me with Grandmother. I needed protecting too. I’ve dealt with most of my animosity towards you—I think I have at least. But he loved you, Bev. I saw it.” She waited until I looked at her. “Isaw it. We all did. You hung the stars to him.”
“I don’t see it anymore,” I confessed. “I just see the lies. I felt so special because he believed me when no sane person shouldhave, but heknew. It ruins all my memories of him. The only good memories I have of my childhood. The only thing that kept me moving most days. I feel so lost without them.”
“I understand,” she offered.
“You don’t,” I argued. “Alex terrorizing and beating me—the good memories and love from Grandfather helped. I feel like I’m trying to process that like it’s happeningnowbecause I don’t have… That security blanket to help.”
“You’re not wrong, but it’s also new injuries can aggravate the old ones,” she said gently. “I’m feeling that too. Plus thedistancefrom it all. I have so much more freedom now that I’m looking back on what happened in this house and reliving it. It’s like the fog of numbness and survival is letting me feel more. I hate it.”
“It will help you heal though,” Emma said from behind. “It’s hard. I won’t lie. It’s beyond hard, but it will help you heal. Trust those around you.”
“Thank you,” Clare accepted after a moment. Apparently, she had known who Emma was, and while she wasn’t going to out her, they’d talked on the side because Clare wasn’t comfortable pretending she didn’t know.
Which Emma and I both agreed was really decent of her. I… I was wrong about Clare. The real Clare. She was a good person at her core.
She was trying to be now that she was free, and that was better than most of us.
“All we needed to do was come today and make it clear we weren’t afraid to,” Clare said. “We did that. Don’t push yourself.”
I bobbed my head. “I just wanted to visit and apologize for changing the last Millen house without like asking him.” I shrugged when she raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know what he wanted, Clare. We planned a lot, but he died when I was young.We’re practically tripling the size of the vacation home he loved. I should pause at that.”
She pursed her lips. “Fair. But he kept shit from you, so you get the pass and less stress.”
I mulled that over for a moment and nodded. Yeah, I’d take that. “Thanks.”
“Good.” She studied me a moment. “You’re really not mad at me, right?”
I ran my tongue over my teeth. I wasn’t going to play stupid that I didn’t know what she was talking about. I heard her trying to push Tracey to mediate between us, but Tracey made it clear she was staying out of our Shaw business.
Which I appreciated.
“No, I’m not mad,” I told her but then sighed. “Hurt? Confused for sure, but… I’m trying to put it in context of Grandfather. If I had learned this about Grandfather after loving him for years, I would need answers and—do what you need to, Clare. You know the line.”
What else was I supposed to say about her wanting to have lunch with Grandmother? The woman had wanted me dead for Alex. Had mistreated me my whole life. Publicly accused me of so much and told the world I was “mistaken” about what I’d said about what happened.
When I’d been telling the truth.
So yeah, Grandmother could take a long walk off a short pier and I’d be happy. It was hard to know Clare wanted to continue her relationship with someone so evil, but… Family was complicated.
Even the severely fucked-up ones who sacrificed people for magic.
Mother justhappenedto be taking a walk—which she never did—as we got closer to the mansion. I wasn’t even going to goin given what Jean and I agreed to, so clearly Mother knew she couldn’t corner me in there and chose this plan.
It was hard not to roll my eyes at her predictability.
“Oh, Bevin, how could you leave the house looking like that?” she asked dramatically. “Are you truly that lost if I don’t dress you? I understand you’ve only come home, but you’re still inpublic. How can you present yourself—did you learn nothing from me?”
“Mother,” Clare snapped, but Mother ignored her and kept going.
And going.
And going.
It was about five minutes of insults ranging from my fashion sense to my looks to being unintelligent to have females guard me and “pitying me” that was all I could afford all the way to gleefully saying my mess in the media wouldn’t have happened if I had just done as I was told. Clare kept trying to jump in to defend me, but I waved her off.
