“You desire me.” Her voice was cool. “That was never in question. Your wanting me as your wife, however, always has been.”
He was a confused mass of emotions. Ever since he had kissed her for the first time, he had been tangled in knots. Knots which only grew tighter and more complex with each passing day. He had spent so much of his life fearing he would make the same mistakes as his parents had. Grandfather’s maxims were so ingrained in him as to be a part of him, no different than a limb.
And yet, the woman before him vexed him.
She entranced him.
She brought him low.
“Is not desire enough for us to build our union upon?” he countered.
“You say nothing of love,” Helena pointed out.
Ah, there they were. At the crux of the matter and the heart of all the problems his parents had faced in their disastrous marriage.
“Love is not the proper foundation for a marriage.” Grandfather’s words, touted so oft. Not his own.
But he believed in the truth of them.
Helena’s eyes flashed with fire. “And whatdoyou consider the proper foundation for a marriage, Gabe? Mayhap we should have discussed this before we wed, because I am beginning to suspect the two of us have vastly different opinions on the matter.”
“Mutual respect,” he answered easily. “Politeness. Treating each other with perfect courtesy.”
Also Grandfather’s suggestions. Excellent ones, Gabe thought.
Apparently, his wife, however, did not.
She shook her head. “But why not love?”
His response was instant. “Love is a dangerous emotion, quick to change. When it is destroyed, it cannot be repaired. Believe me on this. I witnessed the hell my parents’ own union became. It ended with both them and my sister dead, my sister as a result of their selfish, reckless actions.”
He hated the tremor in his voice when he mentioned Lisbeth. Hated even more the sudden fit which hit him at the reminder of what she had endured. His chest tightened. His vision grew dark around the edges. Breathing became a struggle. His heart pounded furiously against his chest.
He froze, giving in to his old demons once more.
Helena sensed themoment her husband’s attack was imminent. His entire demeanor altered. He stiffened, and his eyes darkened from sky blue to navy, his pupils wide and obsidian.
She wondered again at the full story of what had happened to his sister. She had witnessed the reaction that came over him, and she knew what to expect by now. Regret and guilt washed over her in unison as she reached for him, cupping his cheeks and forcing him to meet her gaze.
“Look at me, Gabe. Breathe. I am here.”
His skin was rough with the shadow of his whiskers and slick with an abrupt sheen of perspiration. He inhaled slowly, gazing at her as if he did not see her. He was somewhere else, though his physical body was present. It was as if he had descended into the hells of the past, where no one and nothing existed but his painful memories and the ghosts that haunted him.
She caressed his jaw. Soothingly ran her hands over his dark hair. “Talk to me, my love.”
His breath wheezed. “Can’t.”
Fair enough. It would not do to push him too much. Mayhap she had already pushed him far too much this evening, driven by Lord Algernon’s hateful visit and her own roiling fears over the decision she must make.
She did the next thing that felt natural in that moment, and she took her husband into her arms. She embraced him, pressing a kiss to his cheek, to his ear. “You are with me. You are safe. The past cannot hurt you now.”
He shuddered, and then his arms wrapped around her, his grip so tight as to verge upon painful. But Helena did not care if she would find bruises on her waist by the morning light. If he needed to hold her as if he were a drowning man clinging to shore, she would stand here all night long.
He was so beloved to her.
She would do anything for him, anything to protect him, anything to make him happy and to chase his pain. Even if he did not want her love, even if he believed love was what had soured his parents’ marriage, he could not change the way she felt about him. It was unchangeable. Eternal. Even if he never loved her back.
Was she a fool?
