“I was celebrating,” she defended herself to him, much as she had to Needham. “I believed my freedom imminent. What else was I to do?”
“You promised you would behave,” he said.
“I promised I wouldtry.” She attempted a smile, but there was precious little levity to be had in this grim moment, and she knew it. “I suppose I failed.”
It was not the sole endeavor in which she had failed, Lord knew.
He sighed. “Nell, I love you. You know I want nothing more than to make you my wife, do you not?”
He was handsome in a different fashion than Needham, and that, too, had been part of his allure. He was light where Needham was dark, quiet and calm where Needham was intense and wild. But what was the use in comparing the two?
She swallowed. “Of course I know that, Tom, and you know I want the same.”
“Nothing has changed with Needham’s return,” he added, his expression turning somber. “I will fight for you. If need be, we will run away together.”
“We cannot run away,” she dismissed instantly. “What of your reputation? The scandal of living openly with a married woman would taint you.”
“It may be the only way,” he insisted. “Think upon it, Nell. If you live openly with me, the path to your divorce will be easier. I will be named in the suit, but I will gladly bear any scandal to free you from him. To make you mine.”
Tom’s selflessness made another stab of guilt skewer her.
“He kissed me,” she blurted.
Tom flinched as if she had struck him. “Needham forced himself upon you?”
“No.” The word was torn from her, for it was an admission. “He did not force himself, Tom. It was yesterday. I was on my way to see you, and the axle broke on the carriage wheel. Needham insisted upon accompanying me. When the driver turned back to fetch a replacement carriage, I decided to walk home myself rather than linger with Needham. But somehow…he kissed me.”
A muscle ticked in Tom’s jaw. “You said he had not pestered you, Nell.”
“I…” She struggled to find the proper words and failed. She needed to be honest with Tom, that much she knew. “His attentions were not forced upon me, Tom.”
He paled. “What are you saying?”
What was she saying, indeed? The truth of it was, her emotions were a hopeless, confused muddle. She had enjoyed Needham’s kisses. She had loved the way it had felt, being back in his arms. The passion he stirred in her was undeniable, every bit as real as it had always been. She did notwantto want him. But she did.
“I enjoyed it,” she admitted, because she knew she must. “I am sorry, Tom. I am confused. Hopelessly, horribly confused. I did not want him to kiss me. Indeed, I never intended for it to happen. I stopped it, of course, and I walked home after that. But I wanted to be honest with you. I will not have lies between us.”
Tom stood as if the divan had caught fire, stalking away from her, raking his fingers through his hair. His silence was deafening.
“Tom?” Hating herself for her revelation, for her weakness where Needham was concerned, she rose, closing the distance between them. Agony shot from her blistered feet, but she ignored it as it radiated up her calves. “Will you not say something? Please?”
He spun about, an emotion she was not accustomed to seeing sharpening his countenance. “What would you have me say, Nell? He is your husband, and I am the man you have not even welcomed into your bed. Do you want him instead of me? Have you changed your mind?”
She stared at him, struggling within herself to find the answer. “Of course I do not want him. I… It was old sentiment, rushing back to me. I forgot myself. It will not happen again, I promise you.”
He raised a brow. “As you promised you would behave? As you promised you would not drink too much port and go about dancing on tables?”
Had he struck her, he could not have inflicted more pain upon her. “I am sorry for hurting you, and I am sorry about the port and the dancing. I am sorry for everything, Tom. Can you forgive me?”
Tom’s expression remained unrelenting. Fierce. “Do you love him?”
Yes, said her stupid heart.
“No,” she denied. “Of course not.”
“Do you love me, Nell?” he asked next.
Curse Needham for his question earlier. It hung between them now, heavy and dangerous.Ah, but has she told you she loves you, Sidmouth?
