“Winchelsea asked me to give you something,” Hazel added, holding out the missive for Johanna to take. “I will give you some time in private to read it.”
Her first instinct was to refuse the elegant-looking envelope, closed with a seal. His seal, for he was a duke, and she must not forget the disparity between them.
“I do not want to read it,” she denied, doing her best to guard what was left of her heart.
“After all he did for you today, I should think accepting a letter from him a trifling matter indeed,” Hazel said, a subtle note of reproach entering her voice for the first time.
The duchess was right, of course. Regardless of his motives for doing so, Felix had made certain she would not be arrested. What harm was there in reading what he had written?
She took the envelope with a shaking hand. “I will have a look at it when I am able. I was just preparing myself to take my leave of your home when you knocked. I have been a burden upon your household for long enough, and the time has come for me to find lodging elsewhere.”
Though she had not yet decided where she would go, she knew she could not return to her former hotel. Drummond had known where she was staying, and she had no doubt his men would come looking for her there. Since Scotland Yard was already in possession of the documents she had given to Drummond’s man at the Royal Aquarium that day, they would likely have begun making arrests based on the information the documents contained. And if arrests were being made, that meant Johanna was in grave danger.
Drummond would be out for her blood.
“Do not be silly,” Hazel interrupted the grim bent of her thoughts. “You must remain here for the duration of your stay in London. It is safest for you, and Arden and I are happy to host you.”
The missive seemed to burn into her palm. She could not wait to read it, and yet she could not bear to. She was a study in contradictions, part of her wanting Felix with so much longing, every part of her ached, while part of her wanted to run as far and as fast from him as she could. Before he could hurt her again. Before he could lure her back to him with his knowing kisses and his comforting embraces, his way of always tending to her when she needed it most.
She hated him for what he had done, and she had never loved him more.
But she had also never been more convinced of their wrongness for each other, regardless. He was a duke, and she had just cost him his position. She was an actress with a Fenian brother she could not shake. One who would now want her dead.
She shook her head. “I cannot stay here, Hazel, though I do thank you. The time has come for me to do what I do best, and that is to be on my own. I have been since I was fifteen.”
“Stay here just a bit longer,” Hazel urged, her expression concerned. “No one knows this is where you were taken, where you have been staying, except for a select few. You are worried your brother’s men will find you. I can see it in your face. If you are here, you are in the safest place you can be.”
“It matters not where I stay,” she said, bitterness she could not entirely hide tingeing her voice. “I will be back on the stage. They will find me wherever I go. I will not be truly safe from him until I reach Paris because he does not have any men planted there to do his bidding. Maybe not even until I get to Berlin.”
Hazel’s brows rose. “You cannot truly be thinking of returning to the stage so soon, Johanna?”
“I must,” she said. “The show must go on.”
“The choice is, of course, yours,” Hazel said, “but you would be a fool to go anywhere else.”
“I would be a fool if I stayed.” Sadness colored her voice. “Thank you, Hazel. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for everything you have done for me, and I will treasure our friendship always. But the time has come for me to go.”
Hazel’s lips tightened, her countenance a study in disapproval. “Winchelsea will not be pleased by this development. But it will be as you wish. I will take my leave of you so you can prepare yourself for whatever it is you must do.”
She bit her lip as she watched Hazel go, staving off an unwanted rush of emotion. The door had scarcely clicked shut when she tore open the seal on the envelope and extracted a thick, folded sheet of paper.
The letter was written in bold, masculine scrawl, which suited him. She had never seen his hand before, but she thought she would have recognized it anywhere, without knowing it had been his. A tremble passed through her as she began to read.
Darling Johanna,
Keeping my involvement with the Home Office a secret from you will forever be one of my everlasting sorrows. I have but a few in this life. The first was losing my wife, whom I loved. My second was lying to you, whom Ilove.
My third was losing you.
Please accept this, the very least I owe you. Perhaps one day, you will forgive me. On that day, know that I will be waiting. I will wait for you, and I will never stop lovingyou.
Be safe, be happy, and be well.
Ever yours,
Winchelsea
P.S. If you will not accept this gift for yourself, perhaps you might put it to good use at the orphanage you spoke of visiting, back in New York City.
