I shake my head, recover from my shock. “No. Liam. There is no reason to apologize. You tried to take care of two people you care about, even though they did not do the same for you. You’re a good person in a shitty situation. That’s all.”
He bites his lower lip. “I just...you looked at me like I had three heads there.”
I laugh. “No. Actually, I was shocked at how much you were sharing with me. I usually find you kind of hard to read. You have a perfect poker face, and you don’t say a lot, so it can be hard to know what you’re feeling or thinking.”
“Seriously?” he asks, making a disbelieving face.
“Yeah,” I say.
“Hmm. Well, yes, I suppose I am quiet, usually. In my own head, mostly. And I try not to let my emotions get the best of me. I suppose you’ve always been the one person I felt I could be myself with. You were the person I always wanted to talk to, the person I knew would always listen.”
My heart warms at this. “You were my best friend,” I hear myself say. “From that first day in middle school, when we sat next to each other in science class.”
He nods. “Same.”
Our main entrées arrive, and we refill our wine glasses, then order a second bottle.
“I just needed you to know,” he says again. “I’m struggling here, and I don’t want to pull you into something that’s out of my control. I have...I have friends who are trying to help me, and I feel more hopeful than I have in a long time, but I’m not out of the woods. And you have a kid. I don’t want to put anyone in danger.”
“Thank you for your honesty,” I say. “I appreciate it. Can I be honest with you, too?”
He nods as he takes a bite of his lasagna.
“My sister always wanted me to break up with you back then.”
He gives me a lopsided grin. “I hate to break it to you, but I already knew that.”
I roll my eyes. “She just felt like your home life was so chaotic, and I cared so much about you that she was worried I’d be derailed from my own goals and dreams.”
Liam’s expression goes a little dark. “I mean, I get it. I worried about that all the time. I understand why your sister would be worried I would derail you.”
“I never felt that way, Liam. Not ever.”
He doesn’t meet my gaze when he says, “Until you did. You left.”
I sit quietly for a moment. Words won’t come, and I lose my appetite.
I want to tell him, I do.
I want to tell him the truth that it was I who didn’t want to derail him.
I chose to have a child, and I didn’t want him to feel obligated to give up his dreams to raise a kid he might not have even wanted.
But I am terrified.
Instead, I just say, “Maybe this was a bad idea.”
“For sure, it’s a bad idea. For lots of different reasons.”
We look at each other, and everything hits at once—old pain, lingering love, confusion, guilt… and that impossible, magnetic pull that’s always been there.
The heat and chemistry are all there, that connection we’ve always had. And I want him despite everything.
Despite knowing that this is a bad idea.
I want him more than anything I’ve ever wanted before.
“Maybe we should...pay the bill,” I say.
