My eyes burn, but I don't let myself cry.
Feeling sorry for myself and the tough spot I'm in won't change anything. It will keep me locked in my emotions where I'll make dumb decisions. And this one should be easy for me. Delete the file, protect Lila and my parents. It's that easy. Then all the heat is on me and if anyone goes down, it protects the people I care most about.
"You okay?" I hear, and I look up to see Rafe walk in with a plate. He sets it next to me while I force a very fake smile and see how he cut the sandwich in half from corner to corner. He's hulled the strawberries and unwrapped a cheese stick. It's so thoughtful I can't stop a tear from escaping.
"I'm alright," I mutter, but my voice breaks on the word and I choke back a sob.
This isn't fair. I shouldn't be here. Life is hard enough as it is trying to be a single woman in a big city starting out on her own without any support or strong friendships nearby. I know Rafe didn't purposefully single me out and hunt me down with the intent to enslave me, but dammit if I don't feel angry anyway. I should have a good life now, something people would be envious of.
"Hey," he says, forcing my spinning chair around so that I'm facing him. The food is forgotten on the plate as he uses a thumb to wipe away a tear and makes me look up at him.
"I can't do this, Rafe. I can't?—"
"Shh," he coaxes, pulling me against his chest where I let more tears fall. I'm not a crybaby. I don't cry easily at all. This whole time, I don't think I've shed more than a few tears. I'm stubborn and bullheaded and I don't let people intimidate me, but this is destroying my conscience.
He holds me for a second while I get my composure back and wipe the rest of the tears from my eyes, and then he lets me go, handing me the napkin he brought so I can wipe my face clean and blow my nose.
When I'm composed, he rests both hands on my knees and says, "I need you, Riley."
The words sting a little. I know what he needs and it's leaving me in the toughest position of my life. "I know… to delete the files."
"No," Rafe responds calmly, and feeling dumbstruck, I look up at his eyes. They’re stern, focused solely on me as he says, "I need you, Riley Maddox, not the skills you possess or the access you've created to background programs and files. You. I need you in my life and I need you to be safe."
Rafe has told me I belong to him, but that was in the middle of sex. When I thought he was just making me say things to push his buttons. And yes, he told me I wasn't just an asset, but I'm not sure I believed that at the time. But this feels different.
"I don’t understand," I say softly, still wiping my face.
"You don't need to understand anything except that I want you in my life, not just for this project, but forever. And if you can't stomach my job or the things I do, I understand. But if you want to be in my life like I want you here, then you have to do what you have to do to be safe…."
His eyes track to the computer and he frowns. "If you think leaving those files is right, then do it. But you have to understand that if the Feds go digging, those things Lombardi lined up to take me down—they'll take us both down." This time, when he looks me in the eye, I see the concern there. "Because I'm not letting you go. I want you."
I feel entirely speechless, staring at him blankly because what am I supposed to say to that?
It's not like either of us planned to feel the spark we share. And Rafe doesn't appear to be the type of guy who kidnaps women off the street and falls in love with them. This took us both by surprise.
He's not the only one who feels so strongly about it, either.
When I think about what life would be like if I go back to my boring job as a bank teller, doing night classes in the evening, so busy I don't have time for a social life, I can't stand it. I hated being alone, but I told everyone I was fine because a single woman is supposed to be paving a path for her future, right?
"Rafe," I start, and he presses a finger to my lips.
"I'm giving you the choice, Riley, because I trust you to not break my heart. Unless you don't care at all, and then I'm sorry I failed you so badly."
The apology is barely out before a choked sob erupts from my throat. "Rafe, I want you too. I mean… I don’t need you. I can live without you. But I would be lying if I said I'd enjoy that."
I turn, reaching for the track pad, and click the delete button, then watch the progress bar fill until the file vanishes. "I guess we're in this together now."
His hand cups my cheek but he doesn't respond to me. I still see a darkness in his eyes, something that scares me a little. I worry that somehow he's manipulating me, that this is how he's going to motivate me to keep working hard, by playing toward my need for completion, a craving for someone by my side. It's a weakness he can twist and manipulate, and I hate that because it leaves me vulnerable.
But I won't lie to him about how I feel.
If he's got even a bit of hesitation about keeping me alive, I have to lean heavily on that sense of humanity I know dwells inside him. He remembers what it's like to be a child left at Christmas with a broken heart, and playing to his sympathy, if it's the only tool left in my arsenal, might be what keeps me alive.
"Let's get back to work," I tell him because the intensity is getting way too high in this room. I turn, grabbing the sandwich, and take a bite. I will finish this work to the best of my ability, but I'm starting to lose steam.
If he's telling me the truth, then I have a reason to hope that when this is all over, I'll be able to go see my family.
If he's not, there's nothing in the world that can make my heart whole again.
