Something I’m not ready for? Who is he to decide what I’m ready for?I’m about to give him a verbal smackdown when he speaks again.
“I want you to trust me. I need you to trust me, but first....you have to trust yourself and, right now, you don’t. You’re only seeing the bad in the choices you’ve made. You can’t see the good relationships you’ve formed for yourself. You aren’t focusing on the good you bring to the world. Until you can do that, I’m going to continue sitting on the other couch and letting you set the pace for this relationship. This is already a relationship, by the way.”
Wow. The can is open and there are worms EVERYWHERE. Is that true? Part of it is for sure. I don’t trust myself. I do trust him, but I also don’t trust my judgment, so I guess he’s right that I can’t truly trust him until I trust myself. Damn...cool it with the philosophical beat down, Aristotle.
Am I focused on the bad? That’s not like me, and I don’t want to start being like that. Did Chase affect me more than I realized?
“Let me set the pace?”
“Yes. You make the decisions about what you’re ready for, and you tell me how it’s going to be. We’ll take things further when you’re ready to do so. We will go where you want to go when you decide we need to be there. Give it thought, make a decision, and trust that it’s the right one. You have great instincts. You’ve just forgotten that.”
“What makes you think I have great instincts?”
“You want to trust me. Great instincts. You’ve made friends with two of the weirdest guys I’ve ever met, even when most people wouldn’t have taken them seriously. Turns out, they’re great dudes. Good choice. Still don’t know what Paul Walker did to you, but you had good enough instincts not to buy the bullshit apology he undoubtedly tried to feed you. We all meet bad people. We all get burned by the shitty behavior of others. It’s because we give them a chance. It would say a lot more about you if you never gave anyone the opportunity to hurt you than it does that you’ve dated a few dipshits.”
Could he not have said all this a month ago? That’s good stuff. Makes sense. I’m not necessarily ready to relieve my proxies of duty, but I get what he’s saying at least.
“You know Paul Walker passed away, right?”
“Huh? Oh.....yeah. The guy. The one at the bar....he’s pretty like Paul Walker.”
“Oh. Ohhhhh. Oh. My. Gosh. I had no idea. You know, I can be so dense sometimes. You’re into Chase? I totally get it now.”
His face turns three varying shades of red. “What?! No! I just told you I’m into you.”
I ‘m laughing so hard that my face goes underwater and I choke. Eli snatches me up out of the water, and I’m still laughing and choking. He isn’t amused.
“What the hell, Vaughn? Are you okay?”
I’m nodding my head as I continue to laugh and splutter.
“I’m fine. I’m fine. I just inhaled some water.”
“You know I’m not gay, right?”
I laugh harder and cough louder.
“Yes. I know you’re not gay. I was just messing with you. I’ve never heard a guy call another guy pretty, and here you are looking like something straight out of a Marvel movie and you’re saying Chase is pretty.”
He laughs quietly to himself.
“Yeah. Okay. Suppose I could’ve worded that differently.”
“So what does this look like for us? This, me setting the pace thing.”
“First of all, I like the us in that sentence. Keep saying things like that. Second, it looks like you making whatever moves you want made, and I follow your lead and only your lead. I don’t step out of line or push you for more.”
That feels like an ass-load of pressure. What if he doesn’t want to do what I want to do?He starts speaking again before I can completely process everything he’s said.
“But Vaughn, it’s important to me that you know...you’re only the boss to a certain point. After that, I take over.”
The hell did this man just say to me? He takes over? Takes over what? I thought I was the chief. Is he saying I’m the chief right now, but he’ll be the chief....in the bedroom? FLAME ON, Human Torch! It’s hot out here!
“I want to do everything you want to do. Maybe more. Probably more. Definitely more.”
Did I say that out loud? No. I’m pretty sure I didn’t, but he definitely just responded to my inner monologue.
“Your face says everything you’re thinking.”
