"With goat theft?"
"With a gesture that happens to include a goat."I pull out my phone, showing her the receipt."I'll pay the adoption fee.Double.Triple.Whatever you want."
"I don't want money."She studies me while Buttercup moves on to eating my watch band."I want to know you're not going to hurt her again."
"Sage?"
"Both of them.Buttercup's very sensitive.She's been stress-eating my throw pillows."
I look down at the goat, who's now trying to climb into my lap despite the fact we're both sitting on the hallway floor."I'm not going to hurt either of them.I'm going to...wait, is that my wallet?"
Buttercup has indeed extracted my wallet and is methodically taste-testing my credit cards.
"She's emotionally eating," Melody explains."It's a cry for help."
"It's a cry for dietary fiber."I rescue my Amex Black from goat teeth."Look, Melody, I know I screwed up with Sage.But I want to make it right, and for some reason that involves reuniting her with this criminally minded goat."
"Buttercup's not a criminal.She's an artist."
"She literally just ate my money."
"Performance art."
We stare at each other while Buttercup moves on to my car keys, jingling them like a very short janitor.
"Fine," Melody says finally."But I have conditions."
"Name them."
"First, Buttercup needs a proper home.Not just weekend visits."
"Done."
"Second, you have to promise to do goat yoga.The energy exchange is important."
"I...what?"
"Goat yoga.You.Participating.It's non-negotiable."
I think about my dignity, my reputation, my general inflexibility.Then I think about Sage crying during warrior pose.
"Fine.Yes.Goat yoga."
"Third," Melody continues, clearly enjoying this, "you have to tell me your plan.The universe demands transparency in romantic gestures."
"I can't?—"
"Then Buttercup stays here."
Buttercup chooses this moment to whine pathetically, like she understands the stakes.
"Okay," I cave."I'm going to...fix something.On her computer.When she gets back from the hospital."
"Her sister's having a baby," Melody nods."Mercury retrograde babies are very special."
"Right.So while she's gone, I need to set something up at the inn.With Buttercup.It's complicated."
"Love is complicated."She disappears into her apartment, returning with a leopard-print leash and what appears to be a goat sweater."Buttercup gets cold.And anxious.And she only likes NPR in the car."
