"Then go help Harper with the appetizers."
"Harper threatened me with a restraining order if I come near her charcuterie board again."
"You ate all the fig jam."
"It was comfort jam!"
"Sage."Mom turns, wielding the gravy whisk like a pointer."You've been moping for weeks.It's Thanksgiving.Can we please have one meal where you don't look like someone murdered your best friend?"
"Buttercup's not dead.She's just...relocated."
"I wasn't talking about the goat."
Before I can respond, Claire waddles in, one hand on her massive belly, the other reaching for the cranberry sauce.
"No," Mom and I call out together.
"I'm pregnant, not radioactive.”My baby sister frowns."I can help."
"You're nine months pregnant," I point out."Your help consists of not going into labor during dinner."
"I'm not due for another week."She steals a roll from the basket."Besides, this baby is too comfortable.David's been playing him Mozart and telling him about the tax benefits of being born before year-end."
"Your husband is discussing tax breaks with your unborn child?”
"He's very practical."She takes another roll."Unlike some people who hack dating profiles and then act surprised when it backfires."
"It's Thanksgiving," I remind her."The one day we're supposed to pretend to like each other."
"I love you," she says."I just think you're being an idiot."
"The gravy's not the only thing getting violent," Mom mutters.
Harper appears in the doorway like a perfectly coiffed shark sensing blood."Are we doing the intervention now?I have PowerPoint slides."
"You made slides?"I stare at her.“And what family intervention?"
The room goes silent, and I groan out loud.
“For once,” I scoff, “could you all at least try to pretend to be normal?”I whip around on my oldest sister.“And really, Harper?Slides?”
"I'm a lawyer.I make slides for everything."She's already pulling out her phone."Slide one: 'Why Sage Is Shit At A Little Thing Called Love.'"
"We're not doing this."
"Slide two," Harper continues, "'Historical Pattern of Self-Sabotage.'"
"Harper—"
"With a subsection on 'Men Who Weren't Worth It' and a detailed analysis of why Luke Sterling is different."
"I'm going to help Dad," I announce, fleeing the kitchen.
"Running away is slide seven!"Harper calls after me.
I find Dad in the dining room, peacefully arranging place settings with the focus of a man who's learned that staying out of the kitchen during holidays is key to survival.
"They're ganging up on me," I inform him.
