I’d sat by the loch for hours. Goats sipping at the lapping water a minimum of a quarter of a loch away caused a persistent ache in my chest, but that wasn’t the reason I’d practically dehydrated myself with crying and had ignored Bonnie’s recent summons to lunch.
Since discovering that animals wouldn’t magically flock to me anymore, all I’d wanted to do was throw myself into Kit’s arms and pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist until I stopped feeling less hollow and broken.
The problem was, I didn’t then envisage leaving Kit’s arms. Or doing so without a very good reason. I wanted to be with him and touch him and hear his every thought always.
That wasn’t normal. It was too much to ask of him. I couldn’t go back down to the village and face him until I’d found some miraculous way to contain all my wants.
Air punched out of my lungs when Aster launched himself at me. His arms wound around my neck and his legs squeezed my waist.
As brilliant as it was to have my best friend in my arms, there was a bit of me crying out for Kit. I wanted him here too. He would make it better.
‘Aster,’ I whispered into his freckled neck. ‘I need your help.’
‘Then you shall have it, old bestie of mine.’ Aster wiggled backwards until he was sat cross-legged on the loch’s shore in front of me, his knees knocking mine. He took my hands in his and pressed them together. ‘What’s wrong?’
I swallowed and looked beyond him at the water glittering in the bright August sunshine. No way was I going to figure out how to be around Kit without wanting to ravage him at alltimes unless I had help, but that required sharing something I’d managed to keep to myself for a long time. I’d thought telling Kit yesterday was the only time I’d have to air this, that if I liked kissing him then my problems would be solved.
All actually liking physical intimacy with someone had done was cause a whole load of other problems.
‘There’s something I’ve had going on that I’ve not told you,’ I started, then bit my lip.
Aster rubbed my hands between his. ‘Is it something to do with being a wolf? If I can’t help you, Callum will. I promise he’ll be super nice about it.’
‘I know he would be.’ As always, even a hint at complimenting his boyfriend made Aster beam. I veered away from blaming my current issues on being a wolf, as tempting as that might be. ‘It’s not a wolf thing though. It’s been a problem for way longer than that. Or, at least part of it has.’
‘Tell me from the start, Lukey,’ Aster encouraged. Anyone who ever tried to tell me he was a bad listener could do one.
I took a deep breath. ‘I’ve never felt attracted to anyone before Kit.’
I wasn’t looking at Aster directly, too embarrassed or ashamed or simply unwilling to watch pity and confusion play out on his face, but I couldn’t miss the way his brown eyes widened.
‘Never?’ He tilted his head to the side. ‘But you’ve had sex, yeah?’
I nodded, and Aster clasped my hands between his.
‘Why did you do that if you weren’t attracted to them?’ Even without looking right at him, I couldn’t mistake the panic lacing his words. It sparked in the air, popping with acid.
I closed my eyes. ‘I consented. I promise. I just maybe didn’t want to do it for the same reasons other people might.’
Aster bounced, the motion rocking my hands. ‘I can see you don’t like talking about this, but can you try to explain it to me?’
I wished I didn’t have to, but if Aster didn’t understand everything, then he wouldn’t be able to help me with the mess I’d gotten into with Kit.
I opened my eyes, and immediately swung my gaze down to our hands. ‘You told me how you started noticing people when we were younger. Feeling attracted to them. You talked about this pull towards them. How you loved all these little things about them. You noticed their hair and hands and a thousand other things.’ My shoulders slumped. ‘Before Kit, I’d never had that.’
Aster’s fingers tapped across my knuckles. ‘You didn’t tell me.’
I tried to pretend his voice wasn’t small and hurt, that the air between us wasn’t swirling with the salt of my sadness and his combined. ‘I didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t understand why everyone else seemed to feel this thing that didn’t happen for me.’ I frowned. ‘I wondered if maybe I was a late bloomer. If maybe I needed to kiss people or have sex to make it happen. But it didn’t work.’
I screwed up my face and barrelled on. ‘You talked about asexuality once, but it didn’t feel right for me. Everything you said fit; I didn’t feel what apparently so many other people did, but the label didn’t feel right. I could sense it, somehow, that I could do it. I could feel all that stuff. I just didn’t know how though, or when it would happen.’
‘It happened with Kit?’ Aster nudged.
‘Yeah.’ I bit my lip. ‘It’s not right though.’
The salty edge to the air had faded, the truths I was laying bare before Aster healing any hurt that I’d kept this from him for so long. He bounced again. When I finally looked at his face, his expression was similar to all the times I’d admitted I’d sentmy dad money again. Like Aster wanted to fight me, but only because he didn’t want to see me hurt.
‘What do you mean, that it’s not right?’ His thin eyebrows lowered. ‘Does Kit not like you back? Because I can explain to him that he’s lucky to have you crushing on him. That you’re a freaking ten. That he should–’
