Grabbing an apple, I considered leaving a note. The problem was, I didn’t know what I would write.
Sorry for being a clingy freak from the moment we kissed. I’ll be back once I’m not going to act like I’m stuck to you with superglue.
That wouldn’t be any more reassuring than no note at all. Surely Kit would hope, once he woke up to find me gone, that I’d left because I’d realised he would need space after I’d hurled myself at him yesterday and not let go.
I padded down the second set of stairs. He didn’t need to know where I was headed. I wasn’t invincible now, but I was much closer than I had been as a human. Even if it took a whole day to figure out my shit, Kit wouldn’t worry that I was hurt and needed help. He wouldn’t come to find me this time, even if another freak storm rolled in.
‘Stop it,’ I growled as I tugged on my boots. I grabbed a coat and yanked open the cottage door.
It was unhelpful to hope that Kit would run after me when he discovered I was gone. I needed distance from him. I couldn’t think beyond wanting to be close to him when he was around. I needed to find a way to bring my sexual and clingingly platonic urges under control.
Kit and I had been happy before, when we were friends. I needed to contain my desires now that being partners or boyfriends or whatever was on the table. Otherwise he would decide we needed to go back to that. I didn’t know how I would cope with knowing there was a whole other level of closeness that was denied because of my inability to feel attraction at a normal level.
‘I’ll be back,’ I whispered as I eased the door closed.
More than anything, I wanted to retrace my steps and snuggle into Kit’s arms, but we both needed this. We couldn’t continue as we’d started. I needed Kit to want me to be his, so I had to offer a level of affection and closeness that he could handle.
Denying the wolf howling inside of me, I rushed along the backs of the cottages. I could do this. I could find a way to be normal. Then Kit would want to keep me around.
CHAPTER FORTY
KIT
I’d told members of my pack enough times that they could lay off drenching each other in their scents, so it was nothing other than hugely hypocritical to wake up smiling because my bedroom was saturated with Lucas’s earthy warmth. I wanted to wear his scent around like an extra scarf, dip my nose into it a thousand times a day.
Falling asleep with him tucked behind me had been perfect. His declaration rang in my head, bringing a sense of peace I hadn’t realised I’d been missing. My mother hadn’t been unaffectionate, but she’d worked hard to provide for us. As an adult, I’d had a string of partners who didn’t fulfil my need to be chosen and cherished.
Lucas would fulfil it. I’d not found the words last night to tell him how committed to this I was, but I’d search out the right ones today. I wanted him to feel this too. I wanted Lucas to know he was chosen even as he was choosing.
I hoped he’d return from the bathroom soon. It was Sunday, so we could enjoy a lazy morning in bed before we headed over to Joshua and Bonnie’s for the mandatory weekly pack lunch.
Stretching my foot back, I frowned when it met cold blankets. If Lucas had vacated the bed recently, they would have been warm.
I sat up, blankets falling from my bare chest. I concentrated on each room of the cottage. Only one heartbeat joined my own, far too small and rapid to be human. Or werewolf. Kat apparently hadn’t ditched us completely.
‘No.’
I hauled blankets out of my way and carelessly threw on a jumper, pyjama bottoms, and yesterday’s scarf before rushing from my bedroom. My hearing couldn’t be working properly. Lucas had to be somewhere in the cottage. Maybe he was having a shower or had gotten up to make breakfast.
I dashed into the bathroom. Empty. Threw open his bedroom door. Empty. Ran downstairs. Empty.
As one last act of faith, I descended to the ground floor and searched the bookshop. It would have been strange for Lucas to come down here, but maybe he’d wanted something to read while we cosied up in bed together.
The foolish hope that my ears were malfunctioning and Lucas was somewhere close faded.
I dashed back upstairs. If Lucas wasn’t here, he would have left a note. Like he always did. I searched the kitchen counters and the table tucked under the back window. Scrabbling through our assorted clutter on the coffee table, I didn’t find anything.
I made myself stop checking under the thick pillar candles and think logically. Lucas would be back soon. Maybe he’d thought the bakery would be open today or maybe he’d needed to burn off the new energy that came with being a wolf. He would crash through the door downstairs and everything would be fine.
In a daze, I tidied the kitchen from our dinner yesterday. Kat yowled at me, so I filled her food bowl with disgusting jellified meat. I drifted upstairs and found only my clothes littering thebathroom floor. Confirmation that Lucas had left, rather than being carried off by aliens sometime in the night. Mechanically, I carried them to the wash basket in my room.
The thick fog cleared as I tripped downstairs into the living room. I’d filled enough time that if Lucas had tried to get us steaming pastries for breakfast before realising the bakery was closed on Sundays or if he’d gone out for a quick run, he should have been back.
Cold realisation washed through me, leaving me shivering and numb. I stumbled to the sofa and collapsed onto the cushion unoccupied by a glaring Kat.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and hid my face in my folded arms.
I had been so monumentally stupid.
